Disclaimer: Yes, I know you've seen at least one of these somewhere before. This is a Slayers adaptation of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I've personally seen two, myself. The first one made no sense and barely bore any resemblance to RHPS. I mean, Rezo as Frank and Noonsa as Rocky? Those people were smoking something. Then the second one almost got who I wanted for a cast. Almost. But I didn't read that one all the way through, partly on protest that they made it alt-shippy, and partly because they cast Filia as "Columbus". There was no discovering of America in RHPS, goddammit! Anyway, this is my version. Enjoy!
Feedback: Ah, the things we come up with on the boat... ~ sailorn1@aol.com

The Slayers Horror Picture Show
by Crystal Dawn Phoenix

*The scene is nothing but blackness, as if it were made out of a black velvet dropcloth or crape paper. The only thing visible in the darkness is... a pair of lips. Big, red lips. With big, shiny, white teeth. Then, the lips begin to sing...*
Amelia:

Fanny Conner was ill
the day her site stood still
With a shovel, in her hand

And Sel was there
without his underwear
WP-kun was his right hand man

And Coyote met Zel
in a desert Hell
When he'd been bit by a poisonous bird

And then Rudy and Zane
said Lina was insane,
She blew up their car when she heard

A Slayers fiction double feature
Doctor Xellos will build a creature
see fishmen fighting Gourry and Lina
Zangulus and his wife Martina
Oh, whoa-oh-ohh
At the Slayers double feature
fanfiction show

*As the lips sing, the title and credits flash over the screen...*

The Slayers Horror Picture Show
Starring...
Xellos (a scientist)
Lina Inverse (a heroine)
Gourry Gabriev (a hero)
Zangulus (a handyman)
Martina Mel Xoana Navratalova (a domestic)
Filia ul Copt (a groupie... under protest)
Gaav (a rival scientist)
Zelgadis Greyweres (a creation)
Valgaav (ex delivery boy)
and Nagha (an expert... on what, we're not quite sure...)

*Finally, the lips stop singing and fade from view. They are replaced with a lovely scene of a temple on an overcast afternoon. There are several dozen people milling about, enjoying various finger foods as the wedding march plays in the background. A group of women gather around a woman with long, black hair, dressed in white, obviously a bride, as she tosses her bouquet. The flowers fly over all of the women's heads and into the plate of a red headed young lady who is eating nearby. The blonde man sitting beside her looks up from his plate for a second before returning to his food*

Lina: *picks flowers out of food as she continues to stuff her face* What the hell are these? I don't want these, they aren't edible! *puts them in her lap as the other women sigh sadly and turn to leave. Lina goes back to eating*
Gourry: *looks up* Hey, Lina, isn't that the bride's bouquet?
Lina: *blinks, looks at flowers* Huh, whaddaya know. *picks them up and turns them about* I guess they are, Gourry. *shrugs, goes back to eating*
Gourry: *pokes at flowers* Isn't it supposed to mean something when you catch one of those? Like you'll be married next or something?
Lina: *looks bored* I guess so. *gets an idea* Hey, if I get married next, that means I get to have all this great food for my wedding!
Gourry: Yeah! You might even get Sylphiel to cook for you! She did such a great job here, even though it was her own wedding...
Lina: *plays with flowers* Sylphiel's a really good cook... She could make enough to feed an army!
Gourry: That's right! Hey... don't you need someone to get married to, Lina?
Lina: Aww, damn, that's right! But I don't wanna share all that food... I wonder if I couldn't get married by myself?
Gourry: Well, I was kinda thinking... I mean... I like the skillful way you beat bandits to a pulp everyday...
Lina: Huh? Are you trying to horn in on my food?!
Gourry:  I guess what I'm trying to say is...

*music starts playing as Gourry jumps up from his seat and produces a little ring box from his armor. Lina stays seated, looking at him with a look of disaffected, general disbelief, and continues eating as he begins to sing.*

Gourry:

Out of all the girls that I've seen-a
(Lina)
I can't think of any who're meaner
(Lina)
And none of 'em that could be keener
(Lina)
I've got one thing to say
and that's shimatta, Lina...
*Gourry pauses as the music continues to go without him*
Ummmm...
I can't remember the words....

*Lina rolls her eyes and snatches the box from him. She opens it to find a nice little engagement ring. Before he has a chance to try and put it on her, though, she's already got it on, appraising it*

Lina: Whatever, Gourry. I'll marry you. Just don't sing anymore, for Cephied's sake! And don't expect me to share the wedding food with you, either!
Gourry: Hey, what am I supposed to get out of this wedding thing if you won't even let me share the wedding food?
Lina: You get me for a wife! You couldn't get any luckier! *Gourry sweatdrops and doesn't really look like he's in total agreement on this, but (wisely) chooses not to say anything* So, what do we do next for this wedding thing?
Gourry: Maybe I could go meet your parents or something?
Lina: Hey, that sounds like a good idea! I can take you home to meet Mom and Dad, avoid my sister for a little while, and then we can get them to cook for us when we get married!
Gourry: Alright! That sounds like a great idea!
Lina: It's settled, then! Zephilia or bust!

*The scene suddenly changes to that of a study. The tall walls are lined with books and globes and maps and charts. Seated, looking at a projector showing a slide from the wedding, is a woman in a long black cape, with spiked shoulder pads and long black hair. She turns around in her chair to face the audience and then stands up*

Nagha: I, Nagha, the lovely and talented White Serpent, would like to take you on a strange journey... *picks up a large book full of mugshots of Gourry and Lina from the wedding they were just at* It seemed like just another ordinary night when Gourry Gabriev, and my diminutive former junior business partner, Lina Inverse left Sairaag to travel back to Lina's home in Zephilia.
Even though they could see there were dark storm clouds on the horizon... *leans in toward the viewer* heavy... *breasts bounce* black... *breasts bounce* and pendulous... *breasts bounce* I guess Lina was just too short-sighted to think it might rain! *laughing* Short-sighted! Get it? Short, Lina? *laughing* *clears throat* Ahem, right...
Anyway, even though it was obvious it was going to rain, Lina insisted they start out right away. So they went out into the night... a night they were going to remember for a very... very long time...

*there is the sound of thunder as the scene changes from Nagha's study to a road in a forest outside of Sairaag. Lina is brushing her hands off as she has just finished fireballing her fifth lesser Mazoku for the evening. Gourry is looking kinda nervous at all the lightning and thunder*

Lina: *brushing hands off* Geez, what is it with these damned monsters tonight? You'd think they were having a party out here or something! At this rate, we'll never get to Zephilia!
Gourry: I'd just settle for getting somewhere that has a roof to keep the rain off our heads!
Lina: Gourry, you dunce! It's not raining yet! *as if on cue, a giant bolt of lightning cuts through the sky and it begins to pour* Look what you did! You jinxed us!
Gourry: Me?! You were the one who said it wasn't raining!
Lina: *pummels him* If I didn't need you to get that food, I would... *blinks, looks up* Hey! What's that over there? *points off into the woods at a forested hill with a small light shining on the top of it*
Gourry: *recovering from being pummeled* It kinda looks like a big house... maybe a castle.
Lina: Well, what are you waiting for? Get up from there and let's go! We can get out of the rain up there, and maybe the owner will even let us stay for the night!

*Lina drags Gourry up out of the mud she knocked him into and drags him along by his collar behind her. They pass between several trees as they climb the hill. Along the way, they notice a few more random Mazoku cavorting here and there, but the Mazoku seem to ignore them completely. Finally, they reach the gates of the house, which they now know is actually a large, gothic castle*

Lina: *reading sign on castle gate* "Enter at your own risk", huh? Sounds like a real cheerful, friendly place. Bet they're real hospitable.
Gourry: Maybe we should find someplace else?
Lina: Like hell! I've already walked all the way up here! They're either going to let me in, or I'm going to Mega Brand that house to the ground! *enters gate with Gourry following behind her. They make their way up toward the door, not noticing the strange, black-haired figure watching them from one of the windows up near the top floor...*

*the scene changes again, back to Nagha's study. She closes a folder with a map inside detailing Gourry and Lina's journey from Sairaag to the castle and then turns to face the viewer again*

Nagha: It seemed as though Gourry and Lina had found exactly what they were looking for in the well-lighted castle....

*Gourry and Lina walk up to the door of the great castle, Lina looking a little less than thrilled about being soaking wet*

Lina: *pounds on door* Whoever lives here had better open this damned door right now!
Gourry: But how do you know they'll let us stay? They might not even let us in the house!
Lina: I know, because I'll ask them very nicely and use all my charm on them. And then if they say no, I'll... *the door swings open with a loud creak to reveal a man with long, wavy black hair tied loosely back into a ponytail, a floppy straw hat, and a sword hanging at his side* *sweetly* Oh, hello, there! My name's Lina Inverse, and this is my companion, Gourry Gabriev...
Gourry: Hey, I thought we were getting married... doesn't that make me your... fence? Fancy? What was that word again?
Lina: *ignoring him* ...and we were wondering if you wouldn't mind letting us come in for a little while to get out of the rain?
Zangulus: *bored* You're wet.
Gourry: Ummm... yeah. It's raining.
Lina: So, can we come in or what?
Zangulus: I think you'd better step inside... *steps aside, allowing Lina and Gourry to walk through the door. They follow him inside, noticing the gilded staircases, odd furnishings, and the muffled music that's playing from somewhere inside the house*
Gourry: Oh, are you all having a party here tonight?
Zangulus: You could say that...
Lina: You're having a party? Alright! Where there's a party, there's food! Wow, we must be really  lucky, Gourry! *a woman with green hair in sausage curls in a french maid's outfit slides down the banister of one of the staircases behind them, unnoticed*
Martina: You're lucky... He's lucky... I'm lucky... We're all lucky! *jumps off the banister and lands behind them*
Lina: *blinks at the looney maid* Uhh, whatever. *blink* Let's go find that food, Gourry! *makes a run toward the sounds of the party as a large clock chimes in the background*
Gourry: I'm right behind you! *takes off running after Lina*
Martina: Hey, you can't just barge in there like that! Get back here!

*Zangulus grabs Gourry by the back of his collar and yanks him back. Gourry spins around to face him as he draws his sword*

Gourry: Hey, what're you doing? *draws his own sword to defend himself*
Zangulus:

Don't go just yet...
It's no time for fleeing...
Or your cowardice will surely show...

*Zangulus takes a strike at Gourry, who deflects it with ease. Lina makes a break for the buffet table in the next room as Martina climbs back onto her perch atop the staircase banister. Zangulus continues singing as he and Gourry continue their swordfight*

So listen here, boy...
(Martina: *starstruck* This one could be stronger...)
This duel is under my control!

How I hunger!
For the feel of a real strike...
That will cause my blade to bend...

A swordsman worthy of me...
*Gourry forces him onto the ground and holds him prone with the tip of his sword. Zangulus grins madly at him for a moment before springing back up and starting the fight all over*
(with Martina) And how he'd be begging...
Let's duel each other again!
Let's duel each other again!

*Gourry and Zangulus continue their duel into the room Lina's already ran into. There are several strange looking 'people' dancing around, and Lina has already scored a large tray full of hors d'ovres. She's seated on the sidelines, quickly making her way through the tray sitting in her lap. The dancers scatter as the swordfight moves toward the center of the room. Martina follows behind them, leaning on the doorframe as she enters the room. The scene suddenly switches to Nagha's study again as she pulls down a wall chart with footsteps printed on it...*

Nagha:

It's just a swipe to the left....
(Mazoku: And a jab to the ri-i-ight!)
Get your hands on your hilt...
(Mazoku: And hold on ti-i-ight!)

*the scene goes back to Gourry and Zangulus' duel across the banquet hall*

Zangulus:

But it's the final thrust...
That let's me win agai-i-n!
Let's duel each other again!
Let's duel each other again!

Martina:

Oh, they're so dreamy!
*Gourry strikes Zangulus' arm and he yelps in pain*
Just listen to that screaming!
I'm glad they don't see me!
No, not at all...

Look at the action!
Fighting with such passion...
I can't wait to
see one of them fall...

Zangulus:

*grinning madly* Don't loose your grip...
(Martina: Or let your guard slip!)
'Cause losing is the ultimate shame!

(Martina: Oh, the anticipation!)
Like my highest expectations!
Let's duel each other again!

*the duel moves further into the room, past a table with a leggy blonde in a glittery gold showgirl outfit sitting on it. Her long hair is pulled back into a french twist on the back of her head, and she's got a shiny gold top hat thrown on top of it*

Filia:

Well, I was livin' at a temple,
Oh, my life was simple
When a snake of a guy sent my life in circles!

He shook-a me up,
the elders were surprised
he smirked at them, gave them the evil eye!

He stared at me, and I glared at him
Time meant nothin', never would again!
(Mazoku: Let's duel each other again!)

*Filia launches into something resembling a tap routine while Gourry and Zangulus continue dueling. She taps around them for a few steps until she falls flat on her back. Lina watches all of this with bored indifference while finishing off her snack tray. Finally, Gourry knocks Zangulus down for the count as the dancers start to fall out, having danced themselves into exhaustion*

Lina: Well, that was relatively pointless. *munch*
Gourry: *exhausted* Now that I've bested you, does this mean we get a place to stay for the night?

*Zangulus does not respond. Instead, everyone in the room turns to look at a service elevator that is slowly lowering behind Gourry and Lina. Lina largely ignores all of them and continues eating. Gourry, on the other hand, is a bit curious and turns to see what everyone else is looking at. All he can really make out is a pair of large platform shoes and a long black cape hanging off of someone with straight, dark purple hair, who has their back turned to them. The shoes tap as the elevator lowers*

Lina: What's everyone *munch* staring at?
Gourry: Ummm, Lina...? *taps on her shoulder and points to the person coming down in the service elevator*
Lina: What the--?! *almost chokes on her hors d'ovres*

*Gourry and Lina stare in shock as the elevator comes to a stop and the person inside turns around. It appears to be a man, but they're not really sure. Lina actually -does- begin to choke when he opens his eyes, however, as they're slanted, purple, and largely cat-like. Gourry smacks her on the back in an attempt to dislodge whatever's stuck in her throat as the music starts up, the elevator door opens, and the newcomer begins to sing*

Xellos:

How d'ya do, I
see you've met my
resident tactician...

He's just a little put out
because when you knocked
he thought you weren't an
excellent swordsman...

Zangulus: *snort**glares at Gourry*
Xellos:

Don't get strung out
by the way I act...
*Xellos marches to the far side of the room towards a large chair situated on a dais that Zangulus and Gourry hadn't gone near during their duel. Behind the chair is a large banner proclaiming "3rd Annual Wolf Pack Island Convention". Xellos parts the Mazoku still milling about the room as he walks, and continues singing*
It's a fact, you'll soon discover...
I'm not much of a man
by the light of day
but by night I'm one helluva monster!
*Xellos reaches the chair and turns around to throw off his cloak. The cloak lands on the chair, shiny purple lining side up. Underneath, Xellos is wearing a black merry widow embroidered with black and purple sequins, complete with fishnet stockings. Lina's face turns blue. Gourry begins to join her in choking*

I'm just a trickster priest...
from Mazoku Wolf Pack Island....

*Xellos motions for Filia to come up to the dais with him and she glares at him. He opens one eye at her and she pales and rushes up beside him. They dance a bit as the music plays and Lina and Gourry stare blankly at the bizarre spectacle. Martina and Zangulus come around to the dais as Xellos flops into the large chair he threw his cloak onto. They each crouch around the chair*

Xellos:

So why don't you
stay for the night?
(Zangulus: Night!)
Or maybe a bite?
(Filia: Bite! *licks lips*)

Lina: Bite? *hopeful* You've got something to eat here besides these little party favors? *music screeches to a dead halt*
Xellos: Do you mind? I'm trying to make my dramatic musical entrance here...
Lina: Oh. Whatever. Go on.
Xellos: *sarcastically* Thank you. *music starts back up again*

I could show you
my severed hand collection...
*Lina and Gourry give each other a look that pretty much says "No, don't elaborate on that."*
And I been makin' a man
with wire hair and rocks in his skin
and he's good for causin' some
frustration...
*Xellos rather conspicuously uncrosses and recrosses his legs. Filia, who is seated on the side of the chair his feet are hanging over, feigns a look of disinterest... but sneaks a peek when she thinks no one else is looking*

I'm just a trickster priest...
from Mazoku Wolf Pack Island...
*Xellos stands and heads back toward the service elevator as the entire room watches him go. Filia and Zangulus each sit on one of the armrests of the chair and lean against one another as Xellos reaches the elevator and turns around*

So, come up to the lab...
and see what's on the slab...
I see you shiver with antici....

Lina: We're shivering because we're soaking-freakin'-wet, you moron!
Xellos: *glare* Well, fine then! Be that way! *vanishes*

*the Mazoku begin to file past Lina and Gourry as they head toward the lab. Martina and Zangulus each throw a towel onto Lina and Gourry's heads and dry their hair off. A few seconds later, Zangulus takes off Lina's cape and Martina takes off Gourry's shoulder armor*

Lina: Well, ummm... that's hospitable of you... *Zangulus begins to undo Lina's belts, too* Hey! What the hell!?
Gourry: Ummm, Lina? *Martina has taken all of his armor off and is going for his pants next*
Lina: *trying to divide her attention between Martina and Zangulus* Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing!? *sees Martina pull Gourry's pants down around his ankles to reveal his boxers**stops to stare for a second* Ummmm... *Zangulus takes the opportunity to get Lina's shirt off* Hey! Stop that! I'm an innocent maiden here! *smacks him upside the head repeatedly*
Filia: *collecting the discarded clothing* Oh, quit whining... If I have to wear this ridiculous get up, then you can settle for being in your underwear. Besides, your clothes are wet...
Lina: *trying to keep Zangulus from taking off her pants, with little luck* I can wear wet clothes, goddammit! *gets distracted by Gourry again, who is now in nothing but his boxers, sweatdropping* Geez, at least let me keep the pants! *Zangulus finally succeeds in getting her pants off, revealing a little pink one-piece bathing suit underneath it all*
Gourry: *looking at Lina* Wow, Lina....
Lina: *blushing profusely and folding her arms* What?
Gourry: *still looking* They really *are* small!
Lina: *forgets all modesty and smacks him upside the head* Well, quit looking, then, you big pervert! *continues to fume as Gourry rubs his head and they're herded toward the elevator. Filia discards the wet clothing into a bin and Zangulus slams the door shut once they're all inside* So is that fruitcake your husband, blondie?
Filia: *insulted* No!
Zangulus: Ummm... the Master isn't married...
Lina: Oh. Is he gay, then?
Filia: You know, everyone asks that... *thoughtfully* Wonder why?
Lina: *sarcastically* I have no clue.

*the elevator rises, taking them a few floors up. As it ascends, Lina keeps her arms folded over her chest indignantly, and every so often smacks Gourry for good measure... just in case he was thinking about looking at her again. Finally, the rickety old elevator comes to a halt and opens onto a floor filled with odd-looking magical equipment that seems to have come from the latest Sorcerer's Guild convention. There are statues of winged wolves surrounding the equipment, and a large table covered with a purple drop cloth. There's a large ramp surrounding all of this, which is where the Mazoku from the party are now standing. At the front of it all stands Xellos, now clad in a lovely, red Chinese-style party dress with slits up the thighs, holding a pair of white cloths*

Xellos: *watching as everyone steps out of the elevator. Zangulus walks by and begins to adjust knobs and switches on the equipment behind him* Martina, Filia... go assist Zangulus... *looks at Gourry and Lina, who are standing there by themselves now. Lina looks back toward the elevator, and turns around toward it, as if she's attempting to sneak out* I'll entertain... what were your names again?
Lina: *freezes* Oh, umm... Y'know, I think we were just leaving, err...
Gourry: I'm Gourry Gabriev, and this is my fence, Lina Inverse!
Lina: *hissing* That's 'fiancee', you idiot!
Xellos: Well, it certainly is a pleasure to meet you, then! We've heard all about how you defeated the Dark Lord Gaav a few months back! *Mazoku in the background mumble their ascent* Why, you're practically celebrities here! *hands them each one of the white pieces of cloth, which turn out to be lab coats* Why don't you put these on? All that pink is blinding me, Miss Inverse.
Lina: *glares, but puts on the coat anyway*
Xellos: It's so rare that we get visitors out here. And even rarer when we offer them hospitality...
Lina: Hospitality my ass! Your... butler over there *points at Zangulus* or whatever he is attacked Gourry when we walked through the door, then stripped us! How the hell is that hospitality!?
Xellos: *largely ignoring Lina's ranting* Wow, she's so... dominant! She must be a lot of fun, Gourry...
Gourry: Well, most of the time... although it's not that much fun when she starts hitting me on the head... *gives Lina a semi-glare*
Xellos: That's... not really what I meant... *sweatdrop*
Zangulus: *stepping up behind Xellos* Everything is ready, Master... *slips Gourry a glare when he thinks no one else is looking*
Xellos: *turns and walks onto a platform on the other side of the room, flanked on either side by Filia and Martina, and situated in front of a large pair of curtains* Ladies, gentlemen, Mazoku... ...dragons... *receives a snort and a glare from Filia* You're here tonight to witness a breakthrough in the field of biochemical magical research... *Mazoku clap and make sounds of general appreciation*
Lina: *thoughtful* Hey, it might be worth sticking around to watch, after all...
Xellos: *continuing unabated* Sometimes, a little thing will fall into place, and make all of the other pieces of a puzzle seem to fit! An accident... A small accident gave me the inspiration to complete this project! *aside* Well, that and a large deal of research I stole from a certain Red Priest as well as the magical book of Xoana, but that's neither here nor there... *normally* But with that accident, I discovered... the very spark of life! The root of the dark emotions within everyone! I... have that knowledge!

*the Mazoku make wild noises of appreciation and gratitude. Lina herself is impressed enough to start clapping while Gourry simply looks on, sure that whatever is going on is significantly important... and totally lost on him*

Xellos: You are all very fortunate... for tonight, you will witness the birth of the most beautiful, desperately depressed, and pitiful creature in the world! Mazoku need never fear hunger again with the likes of him around!

*the Mazoku really seem to appreciate this, and respond in kind. Lina's look of interest has faded to a general look of disbelief and boredom. Xellos walks over to the drop-cloth covered table, followed by Martina and Filia, waving to the adoring Mazoku as he goes. Filia and Martina each take one side of the drop cloth and throw it back, revealing that the table is, in fact, an arcane-looking tank filled with fluid with a man wrapped in bandages floating in the middle. Xellos points at Zangulus, who has manned a large switch on one of the walls behind the tank*

Xellos: Throw open the switch on the Astral Oscillator! *Zangulus does so* Step up the Shamanic Power Input!

*Zangulus hits a few buttons on the control panel, then begins to open a large valve handwheel, grumbling about the indignity of it all, all the while. Lightening and electricity fly around behind him, almost as if someone were casting a Digger Bolt. Xellos watches in abject anticipation as a large, multi-globed device descends from the high-domed ceiling of the room to the top of the tank. He takes hold of it as it reaches the top of the tank and begins adjusting various knobs and pushing buttons on it. After a few seconds, Filia and Martina begin trying to help him figure out how to use it, to no avail*

Xellos: Oh, to hell with you! *smacks the device, causing it to short and arcs of electricity to jump across its surface before shoving it into the water*

*Martina and Filia jump back as the bandaged creature in the tank is electrocuted and the panel Zangulus is standing by explodes from an excess of current. The shorting stops and Xellos peeks over the top of the tank. Suddenly, the creature inside bursts out, sputtering and swearing, and rips off the bandages covering his face. His hair is made out of shiny, pointy wire and his stone face is embedded with pebbles at odd, random places. Lina and Gourry blink, mildly interested at this point*

Xellos: Rocky!
Zelgadis: My name's not Rocky. It's Zelgadis. What the hell just happened to me!?
Xellos: Rocky, you talk!
Zelgadis: Yeah, and I can dance, too. So? *is helped out of the tank by Filia and Martina* And it's not Rocky, it's... *stops as Martina and Filia cut the bandages off of his arms and hands* What the hell is this!? *looks at hands, then looks around at everyone else... who are decidedly less stony than himself* I'm a freak!
Xellos: Now, now, don't think of it that way... You're not a freak, you're just... unique. And all the more cause for you to be angsty, hmmm? *pats him on the back as Filia and Martina continue to cut away bandages*

*music begins to play again as Zelgadis' bandages are cut away to reveal a shiny, gold pair of bikini briefs. Zelgadis looks down in disgust, glares at Xellos, looks around the room at all the Mazoku, glares at Xellos, then notices the music... and glares at Xellos again, just for good measure. Martina, Filia, and Zangulus -who has recovered from his nice little explosion- gather around Xellos to get a good look at their 'Rocky'*

Zelgadis: *as music continues to play* If you think I'm singing, you've got another thing coming. *music screeches to a halt*
Xellos: Isn't he just wonderful? He's so... bitter!
Zangulus: He's a regular depression factory!
Martina: A credit to your genius, Master Xellos!
Filia: *folding her arms and turning away* I bet you only made him so you could have him for a sex slave... *snort*
Xellos: *glares at Filia* What does this look like to you? One of those fics where I sleep with everything that walks?! *grins sweetly* Besides... that's what I have you for, Filia. *receives a vicious glare and a 'hmph' from Filia. Gourry and Lina just look at each other and shake their heads* Well, what do you two think?
Lina: Us? Ummm... *looks at Zel, thinking very hard about it* I guess he's okay, but... why did you make him with all those rocks in his skin?
Zelgadis: *mumbling* See, I -am- a freak...
Xellos: Are you really that ignorant? Can't you see the beauty in this? *the music starts again as Xellos shows off his prize creation*

A Superman, with a body of steel
won't shed a tear
if his lover is killed...

But... a flawed man...
with limitations can
be more interesting 'cause
he has that pain... and those scars...
*Xellos cups Zel's chin in his hand and turns his face this way and that, for Lina and Gourry to see. Zel gets irritated with him and jerks his face away, folding his arms and walking over to sit by his tank and sulk*

And his fans will listen...
and lean...
*as if on cue, the Mazoku lean over the banister on their ramp to get a better view of the proceedings*
out of their seats
for a better view of the screen...
They'll be cheering
and how they'll scream!
*the Mazoku clap and cheer for Zel. Zel simply glares at them in return*

Their hero's not a strong man...
but he'll have so many fans!
*the Mazoku rush down the ramp and begin to crowd around a startled Zelgadis, begging him for autographs. Zel backs away, trying to evade the pushy Mazoku, only to find himself pinned against his tank. He begins to sweatdrop as they hang all over him*

Even though Supes is ambitious,
strong and vicious,
he just can't compete.
My man won't beat him at anything,
but he's still complete...

They'd give such an effort,
but if they only knew of my plans...
In just seven days, Rocky,
(Zel: *from underneath pile of Mazoku fangirls* It's not Rocky! It's Zelgadis!)
I can have you some fans!

*Xellos has pranced around while he's been singing. He is now on the other side of the room, standing in front of a large door marked "Van Rail Deep Freeze". Zelgadis finally digs his way out from underneath the pile of fangirl Mazoku and goes over to stare down Xellos. Lina and Gourry watch all of this from the sidelines, impressed by the sheer strangeness of it all*

Xellos: *ignoring Zelgadis, who looks like he's ready to kill him**to Lina and Gourry* Now do you understand why his flaws are so important?
Gourry: Something about... his flaws will make him popular?
Lina: Not really. *shrug*
Zelgadis: *staring Xellos down* I don't *want* to be flawed! I don't want a flock of fangirls following me around! I just want to be a normal man! *grabs Xellos by the collar* You made me, didn't you? So you can turn me into a normal human being! I just want...

*Zel is cut off by the door behind him making a strange beeping noise. He puts Xellos down as they both stare at the beeping door. A few seconds later, the door cracks open from the top, emitting a small wisp of frozen fog from the other side, before falling flat on its face. Luckily for them, Zel and Xellos both manage to jump out of the way before the door lands on them*

Filia: *clasping hands over chest* Mister Valgaav!

*a wall of ice from the inside of the freezer bursts forward, sending shards and flakes of ice falling over all in attendance. Lina simply stares boredly while Gourry draws his sword (which has miraculously been spared Martina's thorough stripping) to defend himself. Zangulus, getting the wrong message, begins to draw his sword in response to Gourry, but is stopped by Martina... who simply rolls her eyes at him.
A figure walks out of the cloud of ice and fog. He is tall, with spiky hair and a horn atop his head. He's holding a spear that's emitting a light beam of some kind, and he has a long gash across his forehead, as though he's been cut open. The blood from the gash has run down the side of his face and splattered in places on his white pants. His blue shirt and short cape, however, are covered in frost. As he walks out of the freezer, Filia runs over to him. He glares at her harshly, then looks up and glares at Xellos*

Filia: Mister Valgaav, you're alright! I was so worried about you! How do you feel?
Valgaav: *ignoring her* So, Xellos... thought you could get rid of my by throwing me in that freezer, did you? *grabs Filia and holds the Ragun D'Mezegis' light blade near her throat, menacingly, causing the Mazoku to gasp* I won't be disposed of so easily...
Filia: *nervously* Heh... do you think you could hold that thing a little further away from me...? Please? *trying feebly to push the light blade away at the hilt*
Gourry: *taking stance with his sword* Hey, leave that lady alone! *receives a glare from Valgaav*
Lina: *pokes him* Don'tcha think his weapon calls for something a little stronger than a normal sword? Hint, hint!
Gourry: *as if struck with a revelation* Hey, you're right! *takes a pin from somewhere in his shorts and pricks the hilt of the sword, causing the blade to fall right out* This should do just fine! *takes stance with the empty hilt*
Valgaav: Moron. *takes a defensive stance with Ragun D'Mezegis*
Gourry: Light come forth! *a light blade springs from Gourry's hilt, causing Valgaav to blink at him in disbelief*
Valgaav: Gorn Nova? *Gourry looks startled and looks at Lina, as if she might have an explanation. Lina just shrugs and looks back to Valgaav*
Gourry: I don't know what a "Gorn Nova" is, but I won't let you hurt that lady!
Valgaav: *tosses Filia aside, causing her to fall right on her rump, and faces Gourry down with Ragun D'Mezegis. The music starts up again as he lunges toward Gourry*

"Whatever happened to the sword of light?"
An Overworlder asked me late one night

*the Mazoku on the surrounding ramp begin dancing along with the music as Gourry fights Valgaav. Xellos looks a little put out by all the attention the green-haired Mazoku is receiving. Filia is sitting on the sidelines looking nervous over the outcome of the fight*

I've not been the same since this cosmic light
came into my life, and I touched the divine...

He used to look around for a sword that'd glow
until he met me one day, and said "Hello",

*Martina and Zangulus begin dancing along with the music while the fight continues. They twirl off toward the freezer while Xellos watches, getting more and more irritated. Zelgadis looks on boredly, as does Lina. Zelgadis folds his arms and leans against his tank again, sulking*

Told him I'd find it for him, told him it'd show,
Then I came here, now I know where to go-o!

Gorn Nova, bless my soul!
I really love that Overwo'ld

*finally having had enough, Xellos walks quietly over to a corner and grabs a familiar ruby-tipped staff. He starts walking toward Valgaav and Gourry, grinning sinisterly. He stops briefly to motion to Martina and Zangulus to quit dancing and get out of the freezer*

Gorn Nova, bless my soul!
I really love that Overwo'ld!

*Xellos interrupts the fight by simply grabbing Valgaav by his short cape, nearly choking him in the process, and dragging him over to the freezer. He throws him inside and follows, grinning madly. He can be seen to be making vicious stabbing motions with his staff through the fog. Valgaav begins to scream, inciting Filia to do the same. Martina and Zangulus look on indifferently, as do Lina and Gourry. Zelgadis simply continues sulking. The Mazoku stop dancing and look on with interest*

Xellos: *muffled, from the freezer* How dare you upstage me!? This is supposed to be *my* big moment, dammit! *muffled cursing and stabbing noises**finally, Xellos stomps out of the now-bloodied freezer, with an irritated look on his face**to Filia* Oh, would you quit whining? It's not like he's going to do anything else now...
Filia: *crying and angry* How could you do that!? He was the last of his kind!
Xellos: *snorts**throws the staff aside, causing Martina to look at it blandly for a moment before deciding to pick it up and put it back in its corner* Just shut up, you ingrate! He was upstaging me again! *sigh* Anyway, at least you agree with me, right, Rocky?
Zelgadis: *still sulking* It's Zelgadis, not Rocky, and you can go to hell!
Xellos: *mumbling* I knew I shouldn't have used that half of Valgaav's brain in making him... he's just as disagreeable as that little bastard... *sigh* Well, come along, then, Rocky... We'll be going to bed now...
Zelgadis: I'm not going anywhere *near* a bed with you around. I can find my own place to sleep, thank you very much. *sulks as he stomps out of the lab, slamming the door behind him*
Xellos: *looks at Filia, who is still sitting in the floor, sniffling and wiping her face* Oh, Miss Filia... *evil grin* Martina, Zangulus, do you mind? *the servants scurry over to the pair of curtains and draw them aside, revealing an elaborate bedroom, looking something like a 'honeymoon hotel'. Filia ignores them, continuing to sniffle and sob. Lina and Gourry continue to look on in disbelief* Come along, Miss Filia... *grabs Filia by the back of her jacket and drags her off to curtains and throws her inside of them. Zangulus and Martina give each other a 'look' and drop the curtains again. The Mazoku in the background begin to cheer and clap again as the curtains fall*

*the scene shifts back to Nagha's study, where she is leaning back in a chair, her arms behind her head and her feet propped up on a table. Several books lay open, scattered around her*

Nagha: I've heard that some philosopher's say that life is all a subjective illusion... that reality exists only in the mind... *sits up, knocking several of the books off the table with her feet* Not that I would know anything about that existentialist garbage, though! *laughing*
Anyway, as for the rest of us, in the *real* world... The sudden disappearance of their host left Lina and Gourry feeling apprehensive, nervous, and uneasy. In short, it was pretty damned scary! But it got even scarier when the other guests left and they were shown to their own separate rooms for the night!

*the scene switches to a lavishly furnished guest bedroom. Lina is pushed roughly through the door of it by Zangulus, who throws in a night robe and slams the door shut behind her. She glares as he leaves, but throws on the robe anyway. The same thing happens to Gourry, as he is thrown into a similar bedroom and thrown a robe by Martina. He shrugs as the slams the door and puts on the robe as well.
A little later, Lina is shown laying in her curtained bed. Her silhouette is shown to sit up as someone knocks on her bedroom door...*

Lina: *sleepy* Huh? Who the hell would be knocking at this hour?
Gourry: It's only me, Lina...
Lina: *rubbing eyes* Oh. Should've known. Come on in, Gourry. *the door opens and Gourry's silhouette is seen to walk in* What's your problem?
Gourry: There's no problem, Lina. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. *sits on the bed and grabs Lina up in a big hug*
Lina: Ack! What the hell are you doing, you pervert?! You're not supposed to touch innocent young maidens there! *slugs him, sending him flying across the room and into the wall. 'Gourry's' hair slips sideways off his head and falls to the floor*
Xellos: Aww, no fair! You're too fast for me, Lina! How did you know it was me?
Lina: *blinking* How did I-- I mean... Ummm, yeah! You have to get up pretty early in the morning to trick Lina Inverse! Now get the hell outta my room, Xellos! *sulking, Xellos disappears, and Lina rolls back over and tries to go back to sleep*

*meanwhile, Martina and Zangulus are cleaning up from the night's festivities. Martina is mopping the floor of the lab and Zangulus is dusting off the machinery. Martina picks up her bucket and takes it out of the room to empty it. A few seconds later, she runs back to get Zangulus and drags him back out of the room with her. She takes him to the water closet, where she has left her mop bucket. Zelgadis is laying, curled up, in a corner of the small room, asleep*

Martina: *smirks* Well, well... Look what I found...
Zangulus: *draws his sword and pokes Zel with it* Hey, wake up, Rocky...
Zelgadis: *mumbling sleepily* It's not Rocky... It's... *lifts his head up and notices Zangulus is pointing his sword at him*
Zangulus: *poking him again* Get up, and I'll teach you how to fight!
Zelgadis: *pushes the sword away, gets up and takes off running* The hell with you! I'm getting out of here! *Martina and Zangulus watch him run, laughing loudly at him as he goes*

*Gourry is shown to be sleeping in his curtained bed. There is a knock at his door, but his silhouette doesn't move. The knock comes again, but he still doesn't budge*

Lina: Gourry? *knocking* Gourry, are you awake? *knocking again, before coming in the door* Can I come in, Gourry? *Gourry starts to snore in answer to her question* Gourry, I'm scared! Wake up, Gourry! *runs over to the bed and throws herself across Gourry* Gourry? Gourry?!
Xellos: *yanks his 'Lina' wig off and throws it onto the floor* Dammit, Gourry, wake up! How the hell are we supposed to have a massive, hot yaoi scene if you're asleep!? *Gourry rolls away from him and mumbles something before going back to snoring* Oh, to hell with it. *sighs**vanishes*

*Lina sighs and throws the covers off of her bed. She throws her legs over the side and stands up. A few seconds later, she walks out of the room, grumbling*

Lina: *grumbling* Well, when I'm up, I'm up... Might as well go find a midnight snack...

*Lina shuffles over to the rickety old elevator, rubbing her eyes as she goes. She yawns once or twice and shuts the elevator door before hitting the lever to go up. She passes a few floors, yawning and scratching her head as she goes, before the elevator finally stops in Xellos' lab. She hits the switch to open the door and steps out, looking around*

Lina: Well, hell. I was looking for the kitchen, not this creepy place. *sighs* Well, I might as well see if the kitchen is on this floor... *wanders off into the room, trying very hard to avoid that curtained area from before. As she walks around, Lina notices that the tank Zelgadis had been held in is once again covered with the drop cloth. Curious, Lina walks over and takes a peek underneath the cloth*
Zelgadis: *from underneath the covers, whispering* Go away! *yanks the drop cloth away from Lina* Do you want them to find me?!
Lina: Huh? You're hiding in there? Isn't that the first place they'd look?
Zelgadis: Well, they're leaving me alone now, aren't they? Now get out of here before you get their attention again!
Lina: Tell ya what, Rocky...
Zelgadis: It's not Rocky...
Lina: Whatever. Look, why don't you come with me? I'm looking for the kitchen. Maybe we could find a better place for you to hide?
Zelgadis: Fine, fine... *throws the cloth off the tank and climbs out, still wearing his gold briefs. Lina sweatdrops at him**suspicious* But what do you get out of helping me out?
Lina: Well, you've already been around this floor, so I figured if there was a kitchen up here, you could take me right to it! *Zelgadis sighs, frustrated* But, umm, first?
Zelgadis: *impatient* What now? They're going to see us!

*the music starts up again, Lina massaging her temples as it does. She shakes her head and sighs*

Lina: Great... I guess it's my turn to sing now... *sigh*

When they let me in,
I couldn't win...
They had me undressed before I reached the door...
*Zelgadis rolls his eyes and throws his hands in the air. Great, another singing looney*

I said "That's no way of treating
a fair maid just after meeting!"
*Zelgadis sighs and slumps against his tank again, putting his head in his hands. There's just no end to the singing idiots around here*
I wanted to cause some trouble
And give them all... a sound beating.
*Lina pounds one fist into the other and cracks her knuckles*

But now you have to go-o-o
God, Zel put on some clothes!
*Lina shoves Zel forward, causing him to jerk away from his tank. She throws the drop cloth on him, effectively covering him in the purple plastic cloth. Zel stumbles underneath the added, cumbersome weight of the cloth and falls right on his stony hind end*
briefs aren't enough,
I think you  need more...

And if you had one small fraction
of any sense of fashion
you'd know what you're wearing
is a horrible distraction!
*Lina makes a gagging motion with her fingers and mouth. Zel, who has slung the cover back from his head, looks rather non-plussed and irritated, and doesn't bother getting up. Instead, he continues glaring at Lina*

Don'tcha, don'tcha, don'tcha touch me!
Or your nose'll be bloody!
*Zelgadis rises and taps Lina on the shoulder. Lina turns around to notice that Zel has wrapped the drop cloth around his waist and is now at least covered from his waist to his knees. Lina folds her arms*

Zelgadis: Are you happy now? Will you quit that awful singing now?
Lina: Hey! ...I kinda like my singing... But I guess that'll have to do until you can find some pants. So! How about that kitchen? *Lina attempts to push Zel towards the direction of the exit of the lab. Zel, however, is ready for her shoving this time, and is braced against it. Lina looks a little startled*
Zelgadis: *sigh* *walks off, leaving Lina stumbling a little before running off after him*

*immediately after Zelgadis and Lina leave the lab, Martina and Zangulus come running in. They charge right up to the curtains and stop*

Martina: You've really done it now, Zangulus! We can't find that walking statue anywhere! You just had to have your dumb swordfight, didn't you? *Zangulus snorts as Martina pulls back the curtains* Master! uhhh....

*there is a sound distinctly like 'bink' as Zangulus and Martina see what's going on behind the curtain. Xellos is dressed in his merry widow again, holding a whip. He's facing Filia, who is chained to a wall, looking terribly uncomfortable and sweatdropping, as well as whimpering. Martina and Zangulus also get enormous sweatdrops, as well*

Zangulus: Ummm... *scratches cheek* So sorry to disturb you, Master... But we found Rocky...
Xellos: *completely ignoring Filia as she tries to struggle out of her shackles**cheerfully* Oh, that's wonderful!
Zangulus: Well, actually, Master... He kinda got away again...
Xellos: *sigh* I guess that's what I get for leaving things to you two... Well, I guess I'm coming... *shrugs and tosses his whip aside, leaving Filia chained to the wall. He walks out of the little enclave, between Martina and Zangulus, who each watch him go, then sweatdrop some more at his last comment. Zangulus follows him, but Martina stays behind, watching Filia. She turns to leave*
Filia: Hey! *sniffle* Martina! Help me off this wall!
Martina: *turns back around* Oh, oh, right! *laughs nervously and unchains Filia from the wall. Filia falls flat on her butt as Martina watches*
Filia: *stands up and rubs her rear end* Owwww... *sighs and trudges out from between the curtains. Martina begins to follow her, stops for a second to make sure that Filia's already gone and not watching, and stuffs the whip and a few spiky wrist cuffs down her dress. She then follows along, humming to herself as she goes*

*Martina follows Filia back out into the lab, and then wanders out of the room. Xellos and Zangulus are watching a large bowl, which happens to be a scrying pool. As they watch, Gourry wanders into the lab, yawning and scratching his head. He wanders over to the scrying pool and looks over everyone else's shoulders. He sees a gruff-looking, red-haired man in a yellow trenchcoat sitting in a wheel-chair, out in the rain*

Gourry: *surprising everyone else watching the pool* Oh, isn't that the fellow me and Lina fought a few months ago? What was his name? Gary? Gall? Huh... *everyone else stares at him for a second*
Xellos: That's Gaav, you idiot! The Demon Dragon King! I thought you and Lina killed him!? *glares at Gourry* I bet you two were in league with him and only pretended to kill him to infiltrate our ranks!
Gourry: *blinks* Huh? I just got up to get a midnight snack...
Xellos: *sighs* Well... Maybe not...

*they watch as Gaav enters the mansion and looks around. He wheels off further into the house, winding up in a room filled with teapots and cups and large, white Italian leather couches*

Xellos: It looks like he's entered... the Akio room!
Zangulus: Shouldn't we bring the intruder here, Master? To see what he wants?
Xellos: Excellent idea, Zangulus!

*Xellos throws a few switches, which causes a panel on the wall to slide open and a large magnet to emerge from the wall. The horseshoe-shaped magnet begins to spin, creating a magnetic field. As it does, they can see Gaav's wheelchair pulled forward by the magnetic force. The wheelchair enters the house and travels up stairs, hallways, and through many, gaudy, flashily decorated rooms. Finally, Gaav's chair wheels up a ramp and through the wall of the lab onto the ramp there. He coughs and sputters indignantly as he is covered with plaster and wheels down the ramp*

Gourry: Great Scott!
Gaav: My name's Gaav, you moron! Not Scott! *his wheelchair rolls right up to the magnet and sticks to it*
Gourry: Oh, *that* was his name! Hello, again, Mr. Gaav!
Gaav: You're that idiot swordsman who put me in this wheelchair three months ago!
Gourry: *blink**blink* ummm... Oh! Oh, yeah! I remember that now! How have you been?
Gaav: I'm not here for you, you moron. I'm here looking for my servant, Valgaav. *Filia looks as if she might cry, but Xellos gives her a nasty glare*
Xellos: Valgaav, huh? *deactivates magnet, causing Gaav's wheelchair to roll backwards*
Gaav: *glares at him* That's right, fruitcake. *turns back to Gourry* What the hell are you doing here, anyway? Where's that little bitch girlfriend of yours? *as if on cue, Lina walks back into the lab, a turkey leg in one hand, and a large mug of ale in the other. Zelgadis is beside her, grumbling*
Zelgadis: I thought you were going to help me find a hiding place! What are we doing back here? *notices everyone else in the room and stops walking* hurk!
Lina: *ignoring them* Well, yeah, *chew**chew* but we have to walk back through here to get to the elevator, right? *gulp*
Gaav: Lina Inverse! *Lina looks up, blinks, gulps again, and looks around the room*
Lina: Gaav!
Gourry: Lina!
Lina: Gourry!
Xellos: Rocky!
Zelgadis: *fuming* It's not Rocky! It's Zelgadis!
Xellos: Look, Rocky... I made you, and I can name you, too!
Zelgadis: Like hell!

*suddenly, a strange laughter comes from the multi-globed mechanism that Xellos had used to electrocute Zel with earlier. The entire room looks up to see Martina perched there, laughing. She somersaults down and lands right on her face. She gets up, shakes herself off, and dusts her bottom off*

Xellos: *boredly* What do you want, Martina?
Martina: *posing dramatically* Master, dinner is served!

*the scene switches back to Nagha's study, where she is reclining in her chair again*

Nagha: Food has always been very important in life's rituals. I mean, you might even say it's vital, or something! There's the breaking of bread, the last meal of a condemned man... anytime Lina's around food... *the banquet hall of Xellos' estate is shown. He, Lina, Gourry, Filia, Zel, and Gaav are sitting around the large dinner table*
But this was a meal that was guaranteed to have very little... *reading from a book on the desk* Bon Homie.... No.... Bonnie Home? Ummmm...  Nice feelings, how about that?

*Martina brings out a large tray with a huge slab of meat situated on it and throws it down on the table in front of Xellos. Zangulus walks around the table, pouring everyone's wine (making sure to throw Gourry a glare when he thinks no one else is watching). Martina hands Xellos a tiny chainsaw, and he starts carving the meat with it. Once Zangulus gets everyone's wine poured, Xellos sits down the chainsaw and raises his glass*

Xellos: *ahem* A toast... to... absent friends... *aside* and dragons... *receives a glare from Filia. The others reiterate his sentiments and drink a toast* Now, Rocky...
Zelgadis: *nasty glare**growl*
Xellos: *takes a birthday hat from underneath the table and snaps it on. Everyone else at the table looks at him flatly, with a sweatdrop* Happy birthday to you... Happy birthday to you...
Zelgadis: Oh, just shut up... *massaging temples*
Xellos: *hmph* Well, now. That's not very grateful of you!
Zelgadis: *folds arms over chest* Blow me. *Xellos looks a tiny bit mischievous* ...and no, that's not an invitation. *Xellos hmph's and goes back to carving the meat. He finally finishes and sits down and begins to eat. Everyone else takes the cue and begins eating, as well, Lina and Gourry digging in with fervor*
Lina: *chomp* It's about time *munch* we got some real *chomp* food around here! I was *munch**munch**chew* starving!
Gourry: Yeah, *chew* me too! *gulp**chew* Hey, this is really *chomp* great food!
Gaav: *glaring* I came here to discuss Valgaav... *Filia drops her fork and almost begins choking, looking as if she's going to cry. Xellos glares at her and starts his little chainsaw back up for a second. She goes back to eating without a word*
Xellos: Valgaav? Well, that's a rather tender subject... *continues eating. Filia's eyes get very, very large, but Lina and Gourry continue to eat. Filia covers her mouth as if she's sick, and rises from the table*
Filia: *weakly* ...excuse me... *takes a few steps away before breaking into a dead run towards the door. She gets on the other side and slams it shut. The sounds of vomiting are heard from the hall**muffled sobbing* He made me a cannibal! *wailing*
Xellos: *blink* Huh. Wonder what her problem is? *takes another bite. Martina and Zangulus shrug and look at each other. Zelgadis gets the message, as does Gaav, and pushes his plate away. Lina and Gourry have thus far totally ignored the entire spectacle and are continuing to eat*
Lina: I don't know *chomp* what's wrong with her! *gulp**chew* This food is great!
Gaav: *snort* I knew Valgaav was in with a bad crowd... damned Mazoku...
Gourry: *munch* But aren't you *chew* a Mazoku? *receives a vicious glare from Gaav*
Xellos: *grinning* Oh, do go on, Gaav... *continues eating*
Gaav: *grumble* I should've seen this coming... *the music starts back up again*

From the day he was hatched
He was trouble
He was a thorn
in the Golden Dragons' side...

*Zelgadis puts his head in his hands and almost appears to be sobbing. Damn these singing losers!*

From the day he was hatched
all Valgaav wanted
was shrine maiden snatch
*Xellos looks a little non-plussed at this, but only raises an eyebrow. Lina and Gourry almost choke right there, but fortunately for them, recover quickly and go back to eating*
and a knife of light...

He was kind of a punk...
(Nagha: I still kinda think he was a hunk!)
Killing every Gold he could find!
*Gaav's chest swells with pride as he sings about his favorite servant's vicious streak and penchant for killing things*

When little Valgaav told
he didn't like those Golds,
you knew he was a no-good kid...
*Gaav has clasped his hands in front of his chest, looking for all the world like a proud mother at a PTA meeting*

But when he threatened your life
with a Ragun D'Mezegis knife...

(Xellos: *grins* Oh, the pride!)
(Lina: *still eating* Makes *chomp* ya cry...)
And I did. *sniffles and wipes a tear from his eye*

*Xellos sighs, getting just a little fed up with all the attention Valgaav's been getting lately. He rises quietly and walks around the side of the table. He gently picks up the side of the tablecloth... and then yanks it off of the table, carrying dishes, utensils, cups, and food with it. What's underneath, however, is a glass-lidded coffin, and inside is Valgaav... with several pieces missing. Everyone but Lina jumps back from the table in horror*

Lina: *lunges for the retreating tablecloth and her plate* Hey, my food! *looks in the table* Oh, wow! No wonder the food was so good... it was dragon cuisine! *everyone else turns blue*
Xellos: *grabs Lina by the collar* Would you quit paying attention to him!? I'm sick of getting upstaged by that little brat!
Lina: *pushes Xellos away* Hey! Get your hands off of me, weirdo! *Xellos looks a tiny bit offended for a second* It's not my fault everyone likes him better because he's better looking! *Xellos looks a -large- bit offended. He's so offended, as a matter of fact, that he slaps Lina, flat-handed, across the face.*
Xellos: He is *not* better looking than me, dammit! *Lina recovers and smiles sinisterly at him for a moment before slapping him across the face.... once with the back of her hand, and then again with the palm as she brings the hand back around*
Lina: You've got a lotta nerve, buddy! No one hits innocent, defenseless young maidens and gets away with it around Lina Inverse! *starts firing up a fireball. Xellos sees this and grins... before breaking out into a run. He dashes out of the room, leaving Lina to chase him, and the rest of the occupants of the room to follow her. Martina and Zangulus, however, stay behind to laugh at the rest of them*

*Lina chases Xellos back to the lab, followed by Zelgadis and Gourry pushing Gaav in his wheelchair. As she runs, Lina tosses spells left and right, causing several explosions to resound throughout the halls and rooms*

Lina: I've got you now, you little bastard! *runs down the ramp of the lab onto a large white circle, then lunges for his neck, but misses as Xellos throws himself out of the way and jumps for a switch on the wall. He jerks it down as he falls. Lina has recovered, and is about to lunge toward him again, but finds that her lunge has been pre-empted, as her feet can no longer leave the floor* The hell!?
Gourry: *running in with Gaav and Zelgadis* Lina, are you alright? *runs up onto the circle that Lina ran onto earlier and is promptly stuck fast. Zelgadis follows him, along with Gaav*
Lina: I can't move my feet! What the hell happened!?
Gaav: Gabriev, you moron! I didn't want to come in here! *tries to roll away* The hell--?! My goddamned wheels are stuck!
Gourry: *attempts to move his feet and finds they are stuck fast as well* Huh.
Xellos: That's right! So quake with fear, you puny humans!
Gaav: *sneer* This... device of yours... Is this something else you stole from Rezo?
Xellos: ...well, actually... I mean, no! I engineered this myself from the golem technology of the kingdom of Xoana! *as if on cue, Martina, Zangulus, and Filia enter the room from the hole that Gaav made earlier*
Gaav: *glare* This Xoana device... I suppose it's some kind of physiomolecular astral powered transport device?
Xellos: Well, actually, no. It just turns people into statues and back again. But that was a good guess!
Zelgadis: Look, fruitcake, why don't you just get over yourself and let us go? *crosses arms*
Xellos: *scowl* I think I'll use this on you first, Rocky! *throws the switch. However, instead of turning Zelgadis into a statue like it's supposed to, the ray removes all the rocks from his body and the wire from his hair - in short, making Zelgadis a normal human man*
Zelgadis: *shocked, looking at hands**gasping* My Gods! I'm... I'm...
Xellos: *blinks**looks at switch* Oh, dear. I suppose I threw the switch the wrong way. *throws it back the other way, turning Zelgadis back into a chimera*
Zelgadis: *blinks**glares at Xellos* I... I... I'll kill you, you... *lunges at Xellos, but freezes as he throws the switch all the way back, turning Zelgadis into a full-fledged statue... minus the drop cloth*
Gourry: You're a fruitcake... but you'd better not try to hurt us, Xellos! *Xellos cheerfully throws the switch again, turning Gourry into a statue... whose clothes have all fallen off*
Gaav: You're a fruitcake... but you'd better not try to hurt us, Xellos! *Xellos once again throws the switch, smiling smugly, and turning Gaav into a statue as well. His clothes have also fallen off, except for, thankfully, the blanket that was thrown across his lap*
Lina: You just wait'll I get my hands on you, you... *Xellos throws the switch again, turning Lina into a statue as well. She, too, is a nude statue. Xellos smiles in mild satisfaction at the gallery of statues standing before him*
Filia: *walking down the ramp of the lab* I'm so sick of this! *gets a glare from Xellos and stops for a second before continuing* First you ignore me so you can torment poor Mister Valgaav... Then you throw him in a deep freezer so you can annoy Zelgadis! But I shouldn't have expected anything less from a filthy Mazoku! *Xellos twitches* I loved you... well... okay, maybe I just said that because you were threatening me with a branding iron at the time, but...
Xellos: *leaning on the switch, yawning* Does this have a point, Miss Filia?
Filia: *hauls mace off of her garter and holds it out menacingly towards him* I'll show you a point, you... you... garbage!
Xellos: *twitch**twitch**throws switch, turning Filia into a statue who's holding a mace... and whose clothing has all fallen off* Why is it so difficult to have a good time? All I ask is for a little negativity... Is that so wrong? And then everyone turns against me... *sigh*
Martina: *having descended the ramp with Zangulus, unnoticed, walking over to Xellos* Master Xellos! *Xellos jumps and cringes* I'm getting bored of this place! When are we going to leave so we can rebuild my kingdom!?
Xellos: Oh, I did promise I'd help you with that, didn't I? Well, you two won't go unrewarded for your service to me...
Martina: I don't want *your* help... Master Zangulus and I can do it by ourselves!
Xellos: *twitches**places hand on switch*
Martina: *nervous laughter* Ummm... what I mean is... Master Zangulus, why don't we get these fools ready for the Floor Show? *Xellos' hand eases off the switch and he turns to go. Zangulus gives Martina a "look" as the two of them walk back toward the ramp*

*the scene switches back to Nagha's study, where she is sitting in her leather chair, upright this time*

Nagha: Well, it seems as though Lina and Gourry are getting further and further away from their trip to Zephilia. Worse yet, it seems that their host is a man of little morals and some... well, okay... little persuasion, too. *laughing*
What further indignities could Lina and Gourry be subjected to? *leans forward in chair, clearly anxious* And what about the Floor Show that Martina mentioned? *leans further forward* What insane plan had taken hold of Xellos' mind? *leans further forward, until her face almost covers the entire screen* Isn't the suspense just killing you?! *leans back again, laughing. The scene changes again, to that of a small theater situated inside Xellos' mansion. The red velvet curtain rises as music begins to play*

*the curtain rises to reveal the statues of Filia, Zelgadis, Gourry, and Lina, lined up left to right. They're no longer nude, but now clad in trashy, black merry widows, much like Xellos had been wearing earlier. Their faces are painted up something like a bad drag queen's, and they each have a fluffy, red feather boa around their necks. From somewhere off in the theater, a switch is thrown, turning Filia from a statue to a (somewhat) normal woman again*

Filia:

*glaring and attempting to cover up with her feather boa*
It was bad when it all began,
being tormented by a Mazoku man...
*barely attempting a strut around the stage, as she realizes Xellos is probably watching from somewhere and will probably do some rather unpleasant things to her if she doesn't comply with this silly floor show thing*
but it got worse when he found the plans
to make a chimera man...

And now the only thing that gives me hope
is the thought that Xellos might croak...
*attempts a half-hearted shimmy as she sings flatly*
Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain...

*Filia poses and remains stock still. The switch is thrown again, causing Zelgadis to turn from a statue into his regular statue-y chimera form. He looks none too happy about this development*

Zelgadis:

*Zelgadis sings flatly, obviously not overjoyed to be there*
I'm just seven hours old
truly freakish... to behold...
*doesn't even bother to attempt to dance to this. Simply stands there like a lamppost and sings boredly*
and somebody should be told
that my destrudo hasn't been controlled.

Now the only thing I've come to trust
is an homicidal rush of bloodlust....
Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain...
*snorts, folds his arms, and continues to stand stock still*

*the switch is thrown again, turning Gourry from a statue into a regular man*

Gourry: *blinks, looks down at what he's wearing. Begins sobbing* Oh my Gods! Not again! I've been dressed in drag again! *sobbing as music continues without him. Zelgadis and Filia sweatdrop* I hate my life! This is so humiliating! *sobbing like a little girl as he sinks to his knees*

*the switch is thrown again, turning Lina from a statue into a normal woman*

Lina: *looks down at what she's wearing, ignoring the music* What the hell...? *face turns bright red* If I'm wearing this... then... someone had to have undressed me! *screaming* I'll kill them! *runs over to Zelgadis and shakes him, then runs over to Filia, roughing her up a bit, too* Who the hell did this!? Was it one of you two?! When I find out who dressed me like this, I'll make him eat his own balls! I'll...

*the music stops and a fanfare starts up as the curtain behind the four former statues begins to rise. It reveals a large soundstage, complete with gilded staircase and swimming pool. At the top of the staircase stands Xellos, resplendent in a floor-length purple satin sheath dress. Lina sees this and glares*

Lina: *growling, battle aura lighting up* You.... *the fanfare turns into a piano solo as Xellos steps down the staircase*
Xellos:

Whatever happened...
to Mimi and Nene?
Their delicate...
*is cut off as Lina lunges up the stairs at him and catches his neck. They both tumble down the stairs as Lina attempts to cut off his air supply*

Lina: I'll kill you, you little bastard! No one touches Lina Inverse without her permission! *chokes Xellos, rolling with him towards the pool. She reaches the edge, where Xellos' head is hanging over the edge. She grabs him by the hair and pushes his head under. Flailing, Xellos grabs Lina's hair and they both lose their balance and fall in*
Zelgadis: *watching* Get that little bastard! *runs over to the pool and jumps in, expertly aiming so as to push Xellos further under the water*
Filia: Die, Mazoku scum! *tosses mace aside and dives in as well*
Gourry: I'm going to get him for this! I hate being in drag! *throws four and a half inch spiked heels off and cannonballs into the pool*

*as the pool turns into a chaotic jumble of water and body parts, Gaav is shown, sitting by the de-Xoana switch, in his wheelchair, with a blanket thrown over his lap and his yellow trenchcoat thrown over his shoulders and buttoned loosely in the front. The switch falls down, turning him back into a normal person, as opposed to a statue*

Gaav: *snort* What the hell. *begins to roll himself away* I'm getting out of this loony bin before their fruitiness infects me, and... *blinks and stops wheeling. Slowly, and clearly dreading what he's about to do, Gaav lifts the edge of his blanket. He grimaces as he sees the pointy toe and heel of one black, spiked, patent leather stiletto heeled shoe. He lets out a scream worthy of Miaka Yuuki herself as he sees that it's attached to a leg clad only in black fishnet stockings* That little son of a... *angrily wheels himself over to the pool, ignoring the music, and wheels himself right off the diving board onto Xellos' head*

*the tussle in the pool continues until Xellos finally manages to swim his way underneath all of them and climb out as they continue to attempt to dogpile where they think he is. Panting, he hauls himself out with his arms*

Lina: *noticing Xellos is no longer in the pool* Hey! *points at him* He's getting away!
Zelgadis: Oh, no you don't... *jumps out after him, chasing him off the stage. Zelgadis pushes him off the edge, landing on top of him, as everyone else, minus Gaav, follows*
Gaav: *attempting to tread water with his hands* Ummm... wait a minute... *glub*

*the tussle continues until the door of the theater flies open. Smoke and light pour out of it as Zangulus steps through, dressed in his customary poncho and holding the Howling Sword in an offensive position. Martina follows after him, now clad in her traveling outfit, spiky shoulder-guard and all. Everyone on the floor of the theater stops to stare*

Lina: *blink* What's up with you?
Zangulus: *singing in time with the music that everyone seems to have forgotten was playing*

Now we've found him
Xellos Metallium,
Your mission is a failure,
Beastmaster is displeased!

I'm the new commander,
you now are my prisoner,
We'll return to lovely Xoana
and rule as King and Queen!
*he and Martina share a bout of psychotic laughter as everyone else stares and sweatdrops*

Xellos: *noticing that Zangulus is pointing the sword at him rather menacingly* Wait! I can explain!
Lina: *tackles him to the floor and begins pummeling him again* We'd rather you didn't! *Martina yawns as everyone else begins dogpiling on him again*
Zangulus: You know, we're flattered that you all would go to the trouble of getting rid of him for us... *is completely ignored by everyone and begins to sweatdrop*
Martina: Really, it's very flattering, but... *is completely ignored and gets a matching sweatdrop*
Zangulus: *fed up with being ignored* Hey! *yelling* That's our job! *is completely ignored*
Gaav: *still trying to float in the pool, also being completely ignored* He has *glub* the Howling Sword! *glub*
Zangulus: That's right, Mister Gaav. This sword is capable of... *notices he's still being ignored by the pile of people attempting to pulverize Xellos* Awww, damn you all to Hell! Howling Sword! *slashes with the sword, creating a beam of energy. Unfortunately, it misses Xellos and hits Filia* *blink* Whoops... *the tussling stops as Filia falls off the pile and fails to move when she hits the floor*
Xellos: *wincing* That had to have hurt... and not in a good way, either...
Martina: *rolling eyes* Oh, for Cephied's sake, Master Zangulus! Do I have to do it for you?
Zangulus: *defensive* No! I can hit him! Say goodbye, Xellos... and hello to oblivion! *slashes again as everyone stands still and watches. He actually does hit Xellos this time, knocking him back into the pool*
Lina: *looks back at pool, then back at Zangulus* You killed him! *glaring**fuming* You idiot! That was supposed to be my job!
Gaav: *still attempting to tread water* Can someone *glub* get me out of here? I don't want to be in the pool *glub* with this fruity loser... *glub*
Gourry: *looks over at Zelgadis* Hey, shouldn't you be upset about this? He was your creator, after all...
Zelgadis: *shrugs* Do I really look like I was that attached to him? *begins to stalk out of theater* I'm leaving. There's a cure for my wretched body out there somewhere, waiting for me... *begins to trail off as he opens the door* not to mention a beautiful, busty princess, but I suppose that's another matter altogether... *walks out door and slams it*
Zangulus: *grinning smugly at Gourry* Well, Gourry... I hope this proves to you who the superior swordsman is... *Gourry, however, is not paying attention to Zangulus. Instead, he's watching Lina and cowering in fear*
Lina: *mumbling, forming a spell in her hands* Let the fools who stand before me be destroyed...
Martina: *gasping* She wouldn't!
Zangulus: She's mad! *makes a run for it, with Martina in tow*
Lina: *screaming* That's not the half of it, buddy! I'm downright pissed! Dragon Slave!

*the mansion explodes upward, rocketing toward the moon for a second before splintering into approximately forty billion different pieces. The only thing left in its wake is a fuming Lina Inverse, her fiance, Gourry Gabriev (who is still cowering, covering his head), and Gaav... who no longer has to worry about treading water, as the pool has been obliterated around him. They look upward as the mansion disintegrates and Lina continues to growl. The scene switches back to Nagha's study, where she stops a spinning globe with her hand*

Nagha: And crawling... on the planet's face...
Lina: *screaming from the wreckage of the mansion* Nagha, I know you had something to do with this! You'd better not let me catch you!
Nagha: *turns pale* Ummm... goodnight! *edging for the door* It's been fun! *runs for it, slamming the door shut as she goes*



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