Disclaimer: WHAT!?! This isn't ANGST!? This is my strange attempt at humor, believe it or not. And, no, I'm not feeling feverish, or delusional. Hey, even a drama queen has to take a break sometime, right? But, uh, none of these characters belong to me. Or something. And I'm not turning a profit from this. Although it would be nice, huh?
Feedback: It rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain! SailorN1@aol.com
by Crystal Dawn
Once upon a time, there lived a man and his wife.
They were a poor couple, but they were happy. They were happy because for a very long time, they'd been trying to have a child, and now one was on the way. And of course, with a child on the way, that mean all sorts of fun things, like mood swings a mile wide and all sorts of cravings for odd food at all hours of the night.
"HONEY!", the wife shouted one night, shaking the whole house. She stomped across the kitchen, making her green sausage curls bounce around her face. Her husband shrunk from behind the sink, where he was doing the dishes.
"Yes, dear?", he said meekly, trying to hide underneath his big, floppy hat. He put a clean dish in the drainer, turning to face her.
"I'm hungry!", she wailed, "I want radishes! Get me some radishes right now!" Her husband cringed underneath his huge, floppy hat.
"But we don't have any," he meekly replied, deathly afraid of her retribution, "And we don't have the money to buy any radishes..." She cut him off rather abruptly.
"I don't care!", she screamed, "I have a craving for radishes! The guy next door has a big garden, I'm sure there's some in there! Go sneak over there and get me some!" The poor carpetbagged husband quaked.
"B-b-but," he stammered, "The next door neighbor is a creepy old man with weird hair and... and... He's just scary!" His wife didn't budge. She pointed out the door and tapped her foot.
A minute later, the husband flew out the door of his house, sword and floppy hat following close behind him. The door slammed loudly, and from inside he could hear his wife scream, "And don't come back without some radishes!!!" The husband sighed and dusted his posterior off and picked up his sword.
He walked over to his neighbor's large stone garden wall. That was the only way to get into the garden. He shrugged and started to climb the wall. He almost fell about ten times, but eventually, he made it over. He wandered around the dark garden, hoping the old guy didn't come out and catch him. He was entirely too creepy, and there were even rumors going around that he was a sorcerer of some sort. He knew he didn't want to be caught stealing from someone that frightening, even if it was for his wife. He finally found some radishes, and with his blade, dug them out of the ground. Alright! Now for the getaway!
The husband dashed for the wall he'd came in over. Behind him, he suddenly heard the sounds of metal clinking together. Nervously, he turned slowly around to see what had made the racket. Sure enough, there was the old man, although he didn't look very old, holding a staff with several clanging rings on it, with his eyes closed, and wearing a long, red cloak. He didn't look too happy.
'He's blind,' the husband thought, noticing his closed eyes, 'Maybe I can get away from him.' He made a mad dash for the wall, but was abruptly halted as the old man caught him by the scruff of his shirt.
"Just what do you think you're doing?", the unhappy looking neighbor asked, "Are you trying to steal my radishes?" The husband smiled sheepishly and tried to think of a way out of this. Well, the old guy was blind, so what difference could he tell...?
"Oh, no, sir!", he said, using his best 'girly voice', "Just Avon calling!" The old man with the pointy hair looked no happier.
"You're not Avon, you're a thief trying to steal my radishes," he said flatly, "Now give me one good reason I shouldn't kill you in exchange for my radishes." The husband blanched. That was a little harsh just for taking some overgrown tubers, wasn't it? He decided to fall back on the only thing he had left.
"Well, y'see, sir," he said meekly, "M-m-m-my wife, she's pregnant and she wanted radishes, and since we're broke..." He trailed off, ceasing his mumbling. This, however, seemed to make the old guy a little happier.
"Oh, have a child on the way, huh?", he asked, releasing his hold on the husband's shirt, "Well, in that case, I'll let you go... on one condition." The husband hoped it wasn't anything too bad, especially since there was no way he could go back home without bringing his wife those damned radishes.
"Uh, what's that?", he asked hopefully.
"When the child is born," the creepy old man replied, "You will give it to me." The husband sighed. It wasn't so much the old man he was afraid of as his wife, and after a few minutes of brain frying deliberation, he finally decided to take the loss and give the woman her radishes.
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
The wife, of course, was none too thrilled about having to give her first child away, but there was nothing that really could be done about it. So, when the baby, a boy, was born, the couple begrudgingly gave it to the creepy old man next door. The old man, who they found out was called Rezo, took the little boy *who had pointy hair which bore a remarkable resemblance to his own*, and moved far into the woods with him. They lived in a high tower, with no doors or windows, only a single balcony at the very top. This wasn't a problem for Rezo, because he was indeed a sorcerer and could easily fly out of the tower. But the boy was a different story altogether. He couldn't get out of the tower and never really saw anyone but Rezo. And that weird woman who wore the funky leather outfits, but he only saw her once or twice, and that's another story all together. The point is, he grew up to be very lonely and very maladjusted and very grumpy.
By the time the boy was a teenager, Rezo had done several magical experiments on him, turning his body to stone and his hair to wire. The poor kid, who Rezo had decided to call RepunZel for some ungodly reason, spent most of his days sitting Indian-style with his arms crossed and looking unhappy, or practicing his swordplay and chanting something about wanting to be strong. He even learned a little magic from reading Rezo's books, but not enough to get himself out of the tower. This naturally got old for RepunZel pretty fast. But, alas, what was he going to do about it?
It happened one day that a RepunZel heard someone with a very pretty voice singing out in the woods that surrounded Rezo's tower. Naturally curious as to where the pretty voice was coming from, and who would be such a moron as to be wandering around in these woods, RepunZel looked off the balcony of his tower. He saw a girl with black hair, wearing a tan tunic and pants with pink trim, riding a tall white horse. Naturally, since she was quite pretty, he assumed she was a princess. There was always a princess in these type of stories. The princess was singing at the top of her lungs, scaring several birds out of the nearby trees.
"A girl who has justice, there on her side, never has to fe-e-e-e-a-a-r!", she sang, to the tune of "Otome no Inori", "With my hammer of justice..." She stopped abruptly when she came to the rather large tower, noticing the large briar thicket surrounding it, and looked up. "Wow," she said in awe, "Wonder who lives there?" Momentarily, RepunZel stuck his head over the side of the balcony.
"Hey, you down there!", he yelled, "Yeah, you! Think you can get me outta this god-forsaken tower?" The princess looked up, blinking. She hopped off her horse and onto the ground. Looking up, she said, "Ray Wing!", and flew up to the balcony of the tower.
"Sure I can get you down," she said chiperly, "But how did you get up there?" At this point, RepunZel invited the princess, whose name he found out was Amelia, onto his balcony so he could tell her his whole, sad, life story. After hearing it, Amelia's eyes were full of sympathy tears.
"That's just horrible!", she exclaimed, "I, Amelia Wil Tesla Sairuun, cannot allow this injustice to continue! We will smite the villain who keeps you here with the Hammer of Justice! And in the name of justice, I shall be the one to set you free!" She struck a dramatic pose, lightening flashing in the background, while RepunZel looked nonplused.
"Sure, whatever," he remarked dully, "Can you just hurry up and fly me out of here?" However, before Amelia could say anything, a familiar jingling noise came from behind RepunZel.
"You won't be taking him anywhere," Rezo remarked, looking rather unhappy. RepunZel sighed. It looked like he'd never get out of this damned tower now. "Diam Wing!", Rezo said, flinging a well-aimed *well, for a blind guy, at least* spell at Amelia, knocking her off the balcony.
"Ai-i-i-i-e-e-e-e-e-e!", Amelia shrieked, falling. She landed in the thicket of briars, which wasn't really that big at all. "Oww!", she remarked, "That hurt!" From the balcony, she could hear Rezo laughing.
"And now, my briars have gouged your eyes out, and you shall roam the world blind for the rest of your days!", Rezo crowed. Amelia blinked.
"But my eyes are just fine," she called back, "I can still see quite well." Rezo stopped laughing and glowered down at her.
"No, you're quite blind," he replied, "I say you're blind, so you're blind! My thorny briars gouged your eyes out!" Amelia shrugged.
"Well, if you say so, sir," she said, taking a black blindfold from the folds of her clothing. She tied it around her eyes. "Oh no!", she said, "Now I'm blind!" Rezo laughed triumphantly from his place atop the balcony. RepunZel just sighed.
"Of all the stupid-", he remarked. Rezo turned to him.
"I suppose I'll have to punish you for this, too," he said, "So I'll send you to the most Hellish place on Earth... Disneyland!" RepunZel's eyes grew wide with fear.
"No, it's too... too... HAPPY!", he said, frightened. But it was too late. Rezo had already cast the spell, and RepunZel was soon riding the "It's a Small World" ride, much to his chagrin.
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Amelia, meanwhile, wandered the world, looking for her lost RepunZel. She kept getting weird looks from people, who just couldn't understand WHY exactly she complained about her blindness, but just didn't take the damned blindfold off. She wandered far and wide, from deserts to the seashore. One fateful day, she met up with two people in an inn, who were fellow travelers. They were a red haired woman, who more closely resembled a little girl, and a tall blond man, who looked like he had about the IQ of a jar of jelly. The woman was supposed to be a great sorceress, and the man a great swordsman. Amelia decided that since she was blind now, she needed bodyguards while she traveled, and these two would do just fine. Of course, the sorceress and the swordsman couldn't figure out just why Amelia didn't take the blindfold off, either. But they agreed to accompany her anyway.
They traveled far and wide and met all sorts of strange people, including a several thousand year old man who thought he was eight years old and a purple haired woman who was a pretty sorry sorceress. They met a woman who wore an outfit that looked like it consisted of two postage stamps and a piece of twine whose huge breasts made sound effects when they bounced, and a tea-swilling dragon that thought she was human. But none of these people had seen RepunZel, so they kept traveling.
One day, the trio found themselves in front of a huge, happy land. It was Disneyland. After paying an outrageous fee, the three travelers found themselves inside, where they were made to spend even more money. After wandering around the giant tourist trap for five days and asking several people with out of proportion felt and plastic heads, they finally discovered RepunZel. He was still trapped in the "It's a Small World" ride, chained to the seat. The sorceress and the swordsman pointed him out to Amelia, who happily glomped him. Well, actually she glomped two old women and a few kids before actually hitting RepunZel, but the point is, she glomped him.
"RepunZel!", she exclaimed, "At long last, we are reunited! I may be blind, but one does not need sight to keep a burning love of justice in their heart!" RepunZel sighed and took the blindfold off, causing Amelia to blink repeatedly. "I can see!", she exclaimed, "The power of our love brought my sight back!" RepunZel got a really irritated look on his face.
"The power of - Wait just a minute!", he said angrily, "You were never blind to begin with! I just took off the stupid blindfold!" Alas, though, it was too late and Amelia couldn't be persuaded otherwise. And since RepunZel didn't have a crowbar, he couldn't un-glomp Amelia, and they lived happily ever after.