File Case Number Two
Gourrigan's Island: Four Chapters
by Crystal Dawn Phoenix
Fanfic by Micheal the Red Priest
The Swordbreaker was peacefully docked, awaiting repairs and new ammunition. A girl with long, purple hair was sitting in front of one of the main computers in the cockpit. She was supposed to be figuring out the finances of the ship and how much could be allotted to repairs and the things Canal wanted most ~ namely, new guns. Instead, she was watching a show that looked surprising like your run of the mill mech show on Cartoon Network. A Chinese boy with a ponytail flew across the screen as he tussled with a man with long, white hair and a bucket on his head. The purple haired girl was doing nothing with the accounting. Instead, she was fully engrossed in the mech action.
The Chinese boy screamed something about justice and the purple haired girl followed suit.
"Jewel!?", CD yelled from behind her, startling her, "What are you doing? I thought you were figuring up finances?" Jewel turned around to face CD, blushing. CD didn't look mad, just a little curious. All the better. Jewel pointed at the screen.
"Well, Tes had this turned to Bishounen TV," she said, "So I just sorta got engrossed in it. Isn't the Chinese one just dreamy?"
CD looked at the TV screen for a second. "Ohhh, but what about that one!" she said, pointing to a boy with short blonde hair, "He looks like a Haunter-sama, only innocent and cute!" Jewel looked for a second.
"Ohh, I think you're right!", she remarked. Suddenly, there was the swoosh of doors opening behind them. CD and Jewel turned around to see Tes, Auryn, and Canal walking into the room together.
"I was just showing these two on a tour of the ship," Canal said, "Now they can be more than just dead cargo weight and actually help out around here!" Tes glared at her and Auryn looked uninterested and continued eating the Pocky she had with her.
"Now, look here, you smart-assed computer chip," Tes remarked, glaring sideways at the ship's computer, "Chances are, I know more about space ships than you do." Canal fumed silently for a moment before huffing and turning away.
"Anyway," CD said, not wanting a fight to start, "Where is everyone?" Auryn stopped eating her Pocky for a second to look at CD.
"Well, Matise and Millie went out to buy food," she said, "Gott only knows how long they'll be. I think Kane and Haunter mumbled something about new lightsaber batteries and capes, so that's probably where they are. I haven't the slightest clue where anyone else is." Tes shrugged and took a Diet Pepsi out of her trenchcoat.
"They'll be back," she said confidently, "I think I saw Cerulite in the kitchen cooking soup." Suddenly, as if she had spoken of the devil, Cerulite came stumbling through the doors, bowl of hot, Matzoh ball soup in hand.
"Oh, I see someone's already watching the monitor," he said, sounding sad, "I wanted to watch the Cat Gir- I mean..." He gave Canal a sideways glance as he stuttered, remembering the last time she'd caught someone watching Cat Girls on the ship. "Uhhh, that is," he continued, "I wanted to watch a made-for-TV-movie on Lifetime." That seemed to work, as Canal quit glaring at him.
"Sorry, Ceri," CD said, not taking her eyes off the monitor, "Jewel's got dibs on it so far. Her favorite show's on."
Jewel was paying attention to none of this, however. Instead, she was focused on the hot mech action going on in front of her. Suddenly, the announcer came over the speakers.
"Next time on Gun Damn Wing," the announcer said, sounding not at all unlike the DragonBallZ announcer, "Heero Yui, mack daddy of mech warriors, goes up against Zechs's TallGeese! Watch out, Heero! That monster lets his fingers do the talking! Hey, Trowa! Care to dance? Go up against him and it'll be your last! Next time on Gun Damn Wing! Episode 35, Hero in Darkness..." Everyone else had stopped to look at the announcement. Jewel was oblivious to it, however.
"Yeah!", she said enthusiastically, "Alright! I've been waiting to see that fight!" Suddenly, she realized that everyone was watching her and smiled sheepishly. "Oh, I mean...", she began.
"Hi, there, kids!", a sudden, eerily cheerful voice came over the speakers of the monitor. CD jumped about two feet into the air, Jewel got a puzzled look on her face, Cerulite almost spilled his soup, Auryn swore in German, and Tes just glared.
"What do you want, Rail?", CD asked, when she finally composed herself enough to ask. He seemed unfazed, however.
"Well, actually, I'm just calling to see if some of your new add-ons work," he said, sounding entirely too devious, "Like that fanfic sign I gave you guys. Or what about those speakers that pump music into the viewing room that I had put on? Have you tried them out?" CD grinned sheepishly.
"Well, no," she said slowly, "We've not really had the urge..." Rail's grin got more devious.
"Ohhh, I see," he said slowly, "Well, I think now would be a nice time to, don't you?"
CD and the others, however, weren't listening at this point. Jewel had a sourcebook open and everyone else was staring at it.
"Oh, no, I'd definitely say it's not considered bishounen anymore," Auryn said. CD nodded her head in agreement.
"Aren't guys considered biseinen after they're of age?", she asked seriously. Jewel shook her head.
"I heard 25," she amended. CD shruged.
"Well, in any case," Tes said, "I'd say he's definitely over the hill." Rail listened to the women talk, sweatdropping all the while.
"Say, who are you talking about over there?", he asked nervously, trying to crane in the monitor screen to see who they were referring to. Jewel happily held the Lost Universe sourcebook up.
"Why, you, silly," she said, "I guess you're over the hill. You are 27, right? That's pretty old for an anime guy, you know." CD laughed .
"Y'know, you might as well just retire now, Rail!", she said, laughing happily, "You'll be Yosho here in a few more years!" This brought a good bout of laughter from everyone. Everyone except Rail.
Rail was glaring at all of them, the characteristic vein bulging out of his forehead.
"I may not be as young as Kane," he said crossly, "But I'm the one sending you guys fanfics..." Everyone stopped laughing.
"Uhh, c'mon, Rail," CD said sweetly, "We didn't really mean it!" Rail grinned sadistically.
"Oh, it's too late for that," he said cruelly, "You know, I was only going to send you guys a fluffy little Xellia piece today. But now that you've gone and insulted me like that, I think you deserve something a little worse." Everyone in front of the monitor began to sweat as Rail rummaged through his paperwork. "Ah, here it is," he finally said coldly, "A nice little Gourrigan's Island guest author self-insertion fic from someone named Micheal the Red Priest. I think this is more than enough to make you sorry for your little comments earlier." Everyone in front of the monitor looked back and forth at each other. This was going to be bad.
Rail grinned sadistically as he slid the paper into the fax machine that would beam it up to the Swordbreaker. "Enjoy," he said smartly, shutting off the communications.
Tes looked at CD. A few seconds later, everyone else followed suit. "I am going to kill you," Tes said flatly. Suddenly, a few klaxons sounded and the lights that Rail had installed began to flash in time with them.
"Oh, crap!", CD said, "We've got... Self-Insertion sign!?! What the?!"
*all enter theater, Cerulite's still got his soup, Tes has Diet Pepsi, and Auryn has her Pocky. Rail's image song is playing over the loudspeakers he's had installed. Strains of "I wasn't born to walking in the rain!" fade away as the lights go down. They take their seats in the front row.*
CD: Awww, this isn't fair! I didn't get to bring anything to eat! Oh well... *pulls tea out of thin air* I can still do this! *everyone glares at her* Oh, come on, guys, it won't be THAT bad.
Tes: CD, it's SI. Of course it's going to be bad!
Auryn: You know, if you'd have said "It won't be THAT bad" 19 chapters of Slayers Return Again ago, I'd have believed you.
CD: Well, at least this one's not long, I don't think.
Accidents Will Happen
Jewel: What, accidents like Self Insertion fanfics?
CD: You guys are really pissed at me, aren't you?
by Michael the Red Priest
It was a normal day on the island for our castaways.
Auryn: Gilligan almost got ate by a crocodile and the Skipper failed to make his new boat out of coconuts and drowned!
Tes: Geez, bitter already?
Rezo and Xellos were getting their daily dose of UV's. Gourrigan was busy shining up his Sword of Light (as if light needs cleaning)
Jewel: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Gourry's just THAT stupid.
Tes: *scoff* Like he's gonna clean it while the light's on, anyway.
while Zangulus was brushing up on his sword skills.
CD: And boy, does he ever need it.
Zel was wandering around the island as usual, and the girls, well the girls figured they needed to relax in the island's hot springs,
Auryn: *announcer* "Next time on Shin Slayers Evangelion: More Fan Service!"
which is where this little fan fic begins:
Jewel: And our sanity ends, apparently.
Martina: Man o' man! I forgot how relaxing these hot springs are. Zangulus and I should really should get out of that hut more often.
Tes: Martina/Zangulus Sex Joke # 38.
CD: *impressed* You've been keeping count?
Lina: Say Martina, what made you guys leave the hut anyway?
Martina: Eh, we were tired of making out.
Tes: Martina/Zangulus Sex Joke #39.
Jewel: *Martina* Badda bing! I'll be here all night, folks! Tip your waitress!
Naga: OH HO HO! There's a first!
Martina nails Naga on her head with a rock that was laying near the edge of the hot springs.
Auryn: Good, maybe it'll make her bleed and she'll pass out at the sight of blood. Then we wouldn't have to listen to her anymore.
Everyone (except Naga) started laughing,
CD: *announcer* ...because Nagha had a concussion from being hit in the head with a rock.
that is of course, till they heard the distinct noise of rustling bushes.
Firia: Did you hear that?
Lina: Yeah, it's probably a cat or something.
Tes: *as Lina* Yeah, it's some bushes rustling. What's it sound like?
Firia: Since when have you seen a cat on the island?
Lina: Hmm... Good point.
Another rustling sound is then heard, along with what sounds like a voice.
Unknown Voice: I think this is the right place. It should be right behind these bushes I think.
Amelia: ACK! It's a peeping tom!
Cerulite: Ack! It's Jerry in drag!
All: OP! ORK! UAHAH!
Lina lunges the fireball in the general direction of the noise blasting a hole through the thick foliage.
CD: And hopefully frying any horny SI authors who might have been in the bushes trying to get some Fan Service.
Auryn: You couldn't get that lucky.
Martina sees a figure dashing away through the smoke.
Martina: Hey there he goes!
Lina (making another fireball): I see him, I see him!
Tes: Good, try not to miss this time, Lina.
Sylphiel: Hey, isn't that a red cloak?
Amelia: You know, I think you're right, Slyphiel. Was that Rezo?
Cerulite: I don't know, who else on this DESERT ISLAND wears big, red robes?
Jewel: And who's Slyphiel?
Tes: I guess she's Sylphiel's 'more experienced' older sister.
Lina: Why that demented, red-clad pervert! What the hell was he doing spying on us?
Sylphiel: Um, Lina?
Lina (still very much annoyed): What!?
CD: *Sylphiel* Miss Lina, it just occurred to me that right now would be a great time to make a "Rezo is blind" joke!
Sylphiel: Rezo can't spy on us, he's blind, remember?
Jewel: *Sylphiel* Badda bing! Bad Fanfic Cliche # 2 for the evening, ladies and gentlemen!
Martina: And for crying out loud, power down that fireball before it overloads and you end up roasting us all!
Lina: Whoops. Sorry. ^_^
Tes: Just for the record, folks, being Lina Inverse means never having to say you're sorry.
Lina powers down the fireball, and gets back to thinking of what he was doing back there in the foliage.
Cerulite: *taps forehead**as Winnie the Pooh* Think... Think.... Think....
Lina: He may be blind... but he can still listen in on our little girl chats, and use anything he hears to hurt us later on.
Auryn: How does that work? Everyone already knows Lina's got little knockers, Amelia and Nagha have big ones, Martina's there for sex jokes and Filia and Sylphiel are just considered useless clerics and no better than cardboard! *pant**pant*
CD: Geez. It's okay. *pats her on the back*
And just for trying to do that, he's gonna get his ass whooped. Are you with me girls?
Jewel: Wow, it' just like Village of the Damned.
Auryn: Buncha drones.
And so the girls start heading for the village, chanting as they march along.
All: KILL THE PRIEST! DRINK HIS BLOOD! KILL THE PRIEST! DRINK HIS BLOOD!
Tes: Hey, isn't the author supposed to be a priest, too?
Cerulite: Now I can agree with this part!
All: KILL THE PRIEST! DRINK HIS BLOOD!
Meanwhile, at the village, the guys are wondering what the hell that explosion was all about.
CD: Why would they HAVE to wonder? Lina's always blowing stuff up.
Rezo: So which one of them do you think threw the fireball?
Jewel: *snort* You have to ask?
Xellos: I'd put my money on Lina.
Gourrigan: Same here.
Zangulus: Hey I'll take that bet. Five funky fruits says she didn't throw the fireball.
Cerulite: *singing* "My father... was a gamblin' man... way down on Gourrigan's Isle!"
The other guys look at each other, then smile wickedly.
Rezo, Xellos, Gourrigan: Okay.
Tes: No. I refuse to believe that Zangulus, who has been on the receiving end of more fireballs than these other guys combined, would be stupid enough to take that bet.
Zelgadis came running into the village at demon speed to find out what was going on.
CD: Johnny Confident! *WHOOSH!*
Zelgadis: I heard an explosion. Did Lina just throw a fireball?
Auryn: No, Zel. The author's ego just exploded. Damn those overinflated SI author egos. *all glare at CD, who shrugs*
Gourrigan: Yeah, but the sword slinger here doesn't believe it.
Jewel: Which sword slinger was that, Gourry? Oh, you mean the OTHER one.
In fact, he's betting 5 funky fruits it wasn't her.
Zelgadis: Really? I want in on this bet. Put me down for Lina.
Tes: More people take advantage of Zangulus.
Cerulite: Well, at least he's not just there for meaningless sex jokes with Martina.
Others: *snort* Whatever.
The guys then start hearing the death chants of the girls.
CD: *narrator* ...and join in.
Girls: KILL THE PRIEST! DRINK HIS BLOOD!
Rezo: Hmm... They sound rather pissed off.
Jewel: *as Rezo* They've gotta be talking about you, Xellos.
Zelgadis: That's obvious. But about what?
Rezo: I guess we'll find out now.
Auryn: *as Rezo* Let me just walk blindly into this death trap over here. "Blindly", get it? Get it?! Hah!
The group of angry girls come into the village, and stop right in front of Rezo.
Auryn: *claps, ala episode 26 of Evangelion* Congratulations!
CD: *claps* Congratulations!
Tes: *claps* Congratulations!
Jewel: *claps* Congratulations!
Cerulite: *claps* Congratulations!
All have looks of hate and rage on their faces. Their weapons have been drawn,
Tes: That would be Lina's dagger and Nagha's breasts, right?
not a good a sign. Rezo started to shudder once he noticed Firia had her mace in hand.
CD: *as Rezo* Mmmmm.... kinky!
Auryn: How'd he notice if he's blind?
Tes: Oh, for the love of....
Lina is the first to speak (as always).
Lina: What the hell were you doing spying on us?!?!
Jewel: Here comes another blind joke...
Rezo: I beg your pardon? Spying on you? Oh please Lina, I wouldn't spy on you. I'm blind remember?
Cerulite: That's three.
Lina: Oh stop with the innocent blind man bit and tell us all the truth!
Rezo: I AM. Besides , I wouldn't spy on you even if I could see. There really is nothing attractive attached to that body of yours that is worth looking at.
CD: Now how would he know?
Lina: WHAT? YOU BASTARD!
Auryn: Yes, Bastard!! was a good anime. Thank you for bringing it up.
After the smoke clears, Rezo is still standing, but he's quite dazed and rather charred.
Cerulite: As opposed to the just plain DEAD he'd be if this were a D&D campaign.
Lina doesn't stop with just the fireball. She then jumps on him and starts pummeling him to a pulp.
Rezo: Someone get this crazy bitch off me!
CD: Bow wow.
Zel! Zel! Help your old grandfather/great-grandfather and get her off me!
Zelgadis: You expect me to get between you and a bloodthirsty Lina Inverse? HAH! Don't hold your breath gramps.
Jewel: I wanna go to their family reunions.
The commotion was halted by a rather eerie laugh.
Tes: *Racheal Lillis laugh* "Prepare for Trouble!"
Cerulite: *Eric Stuart voice* "And make it Double!"
Tes: "To protect the world from awful SI..."
A laugh that made even Naga and Xellos' hair stand on end.
Cerulite: Of course, it didn't faze Martina, as she had the coolest laugh of all...
Xellos: What was that?
CD: Trust us, Xel, you really don't wanna know.
Naga: I don't know, but that was creepy.
Auryn: SI is always creepy, Nagha. *all glare at CD again, who shrugs*
Lina looks around to see where it was coming from. Nothing. She was just getting ready to continue her pummeling on a now unconscious Rezo,
Tes: Now, where's the sport in that?
when a small flare arrow whizzed past her and made her stop what she was doing.
Jewel: The dreaded... Flare Carrot!
CD: Sylphiel's gone mercenary! Cool!
She then heard an unfamiliar voice that was directed to her.
Man in Red: I wouldn't try to beat him up again Ms. Inverse,
Cerulite: Hey, isn't that guy from one of CTR's Rocket Princess fics?
otherwise I will make sure that the next flare arrow is on target.
Auryn: Ohhhh, them Flare Carrots are scary! Better watch out!
Lina gets up and turns around to face the newcomer.
Lina: Listen bud, I don't know who you think your dealing with here, so I suggest you--
Jewel: Bite me!
Cerulite: Blow me!
CD: Fall on your own sword!
Auryn: Jump in front of a bus!
Tes: SI yourself into an Oscar lemon!
Others: Ohhhhh, that's low.
Lina stops speaking when she notices what our unknown friend in wearing.
Lina: Hey wait a sec, you're wearing red too!
Tes: *as Lina* But are you sure a frilly red thong is your style?
Man in Red: That's a rather astute observation Ms. Inverse. Would you care to make another?
Auryn: How about SI sucks? *all glare at CD again*
Lina: It wasn't Rezo who was spying on us, it was you!
CD: *as Asuka* Shinji! I said no peeking!
Man in Red: Spying? I wasn't spying, I assure you. If you just give me a minute to-
Jewel: Cop a feel....
Lina: This will teach you not to spy on girls, you pervert!
Cerulite: Isn't that sort of thing illegal?
Gourrigan: There she goes again, shooting first and asking questions later.
Tes: Did that line come straight out of the show?
Lina: FIREBALL! HA HA HA!
The fireball was right on target when it struck the mysterious man in red.
Cerulite: Unfortunately, the SI author failed his Dodge roll and was burned to a crisp. The end.
CD: You couldn't get that lucky.
The flames engulfed his general area completely.
Zelgadis: Holy shit!
Jewel: Isn't that more of a Valgaav line?
Xellos: There's no way that he could cast that spell so quickly, she's too close for him to pull that off.
Lina: What the hell are you guys--huh?
Auryn: What, there's more than one of them? I think I'm gonna get a headache.
All stand in awe as the see the mysterious man in red still standing, unharmed, with a protective barrier encircling him.
Tes: Gee, the SI author is all powerful. Imagine that.
Jewel: Plot twist after stunning plot twist.
Lina: Gods! How did he manage to do that so quickly?
CD: Ahhh, the miracles of SI.
What are you, some kind of Dark Lord?
Cerulite: Worse. He's an SI author.
Xellos: He isn't. I would have recognized him.
Everyone now had a good view of what he looked like now that the dust cleared. He was about as tall as Rezo, and his complexion was slightly dark.
CD: As long as he's not voiced by Takehito Koyasu like Rezo, I'll be fine... Mmmmmm... Takehito Koyasu....
His hair was jet black and cut short,
Jewel: So, basically, he's Tuxedo Mask in a red dress.
and he had mismatched eyes which were brown and gold, kinda like copy Rezo.
Jewel: Okay, so it's Tuxedo Mask on crack.
It looked like he wore the same clothes as well, but the staff was different. The staff itself appeared to be made of wood,
Tes: *snicker* That's just not right.
and the head of it had a bluish orb encased between strips of gold.
Tes: Okay, so not only does he have a big woodie for a staff, he's also got a blue ball?
Firia leaned over and whispered into Martina's ear.
Auryn: *as Filia* Hey, wanna go off for a little girl time behind those rustling bushes when Zangy and Xel aren't watchin'?
Firia: Hey, he looks kinda cute.
Cerulite: *as Filia* In an SI sorta way...
Martina: I'll say.
Xellos: Eh, he's so-so. I like Alex a lot more.
CD: Alex from A Clockwork Orange!? Okay, this fic just reached new levels of screwed up-ness.
Tes: I always said he was a lot like Alex...
Jewel: But would that make Filia the cat woman?
CD: Yes, Blink was a sorry excuse for an X-Man. Thanks for dredging that particularly painful memory up.
Everyone including the Man in Red look at Xellos. Xellos simply smiles and giggles like a schoolgirl.
Auryn: *as narrator* ...as his ankles are shattered, his spleen is ruptured, and he's left alone with a horde of Smurfs armed to the teeth with the world's sharpest meat cleaver...
Cerulite: Wow, brutal.
Tes: Damn, man! Save that stuff for the SI author. We LIKE Xellos, remember?
Man in Red: Fruitcake.
CD: Okay, so Filia's just expressed romantic interest in this guy and he's called Xellos a fruitcake. You know, if this were a Xellia-shippy fic, he would automatically be the bad guy.
The Man in Red redirects his attention back to Lina,
Jewel: ...before Xellos whoops his ass...
who still seems to be upset.
Man in Red: Look Ms. Inverse, I'm terribly sorry about that mishap earlier. I got lost trying to find this village.
Auryn: That's what they all say.
Jewel: He must be related to Ryoga.
The directions that the Queen gave me were terrible.
Cerulite: So, Tira Misu whipped him and gave him directions?
Tes: Carrot must've been on vacation.
I thought I had found it that time. Boy, was I wrong.
Lina: Wait a sec, are you telling me that you're the one writing this fan fic?
CD: We've got.... SI!
Man in Red: You got it.
The Man in Red takes a polite bow.
Auryn: He's... proud of his SI...
Man in Red: Michael the Red Priest, at your service.
Jewel: Do us all a service and end this fic.
Lina: How do you know the Queen? I've never known her to hire perverts.
Michael: I'll let that one slide.
Cerulite: *as Lina* Oh, I feel so honored.
The answer to your question is I met her through a contact.
Lina: Who exactly is this contact?
Michael: My contact was the one you so kindly fireballed. (gesuring to Rezo)
CD: Rezo IS to blame for this!
All: KILL THE PRIEST! DRINK HIS BLOOD!
Rezo here is a friend of mine.
Auryn: That poor guy. Hounded by an SI author.
He introduced me to the Queen. Which reminds me, aren't you going to heal him?
Michael: I would have healed him already, but my specialties are black and shamanist magic, not white.
Jewel: Ohh, wow. Nothing better than an SI author with an agenda.
Lina: Oh yeah! Almost forgot about him. ^_^
Lina puts her magic to work until the priest starts to moan and stir a little bit,
Tes: Baow chika bawwoaw! Chika bowwaow!
CD: You wish.
which was a good sign that Lina hadn't killed him (again).
Lina: Well, he should come to any minute now. Now about that barrier.... I thought you couldn't do white magic spells. How could you project that?
Auryn: Maybe because barriers are Air Shamanist magic?
Michael: This? This thing emits from my orb here which can be activated by this switch. See?
Jewel: Good, now someone fireball him so we can get the hell outta here.
The blue barrier disappears.
Lina: That is an interesting device.
Gourrigan: I could sure use one of those.
Zangulus: Why? So you can protect yourself when my blade finally hits a vulnerable spot?
CD: Like that'll happen.
Gourrigan: I'm not really worried about that. It's so I can protect myself from Lina.
Cerulite: HA! HAHAHA! Ah! Ha! Huuuuh.
Lina: Protect this you numbskull!
Lina pounces Gourrigan and starts pummeling him.
Tes: Wow, she's pretty good at that, huh?
Michael: ahem Could we stop goofing around here! I've got a fan fic to write!
Jewel: *eyes widen in horror* You mean... the fic's not even started yet!?
Sylphiel: Hey Mike, Rezo is waking up!
Rezo gets up, stretches, and starts looking around. Then he starts laughing like madman.
Sylphiel: Rezo what's wrong?
Auryn: *as Sylphiel* Is it time to make another blind joke?
Rezo: Omigosh! I can see!!
CD: *as Lina* Quick, Gourry, gimme the Sword of Light, I'm castin' the Giga Slave. Remember what happened last time he said that....
Rezo: Naw, just kidding. Bwah Ha Ha!
Auryn: Blind joke #4!
Sylphiel: FLARE CARROT!
Rezo gets stunned by Sylphiel's dreaded flare carrot. He continues to laugh.
Tes: Damn, glad to know he LIKES being blind all of a sudden. I almost felt sorry for him for a minute.
Firia: Playing jokes on those who are emotionally sensitive. Well, at least we know he's still his normal self.
CD: Oh, look the cardboard cutout of Filia spoke!
Rezo then stops laughing. In fact, he gets rather angry.
Rezo: That....that power....where have I sensed it before?
CD: *as Rezo* ...the power... of SI!
Lina, is there someone else on the island that I'm not aware of yet?
Lina: Well actually, yes. Our guest writer is here. Says his name is Michael the Red Priest, and that he's your buddy. I didn't know you had friends Rezo.
Jewel: He doesn't. The SI author is a liar.
Cerulite: Aren't they all?
Rezo: I had one, but he betrayed me. This is no friend of mine.
Lina: Are you sure? He said you introduced him to the Queen of Swords.
Tes: Hell, no wonder they're not friends anymore. I don't think I'd like him after that.
Auryn: An SI author in a fic about another SI author by an SI author... ARGH! My head hurts!
Rezo: I did. But then he got Eris to make a copy of me, and have it try to discredit me further with Queenie.
CD: *gak* "Queenie"? Here I was just assuming he was talking about Tira Misu....
What's worse, it's the same copy that absorbed Zanifar.
Jewel: *bored* Oh, look. The SI author set about a bunch of events that happened in normal Slayers continuity.
Lina: Is that true?
Michael (grinning wickedly): I won't deny it.
Lina: You're kidding! Why would you do something like that?
Cerulite: Because he is a bad, bad boy. He's badder than Xellos. Why, given a few more paragraphs, I bet he'll start slaughtering Golden Dragons.
Tes: You couldn't get that lucky.
Michael: It was just a joke. Is it a crime to be funny once in a while?
Auryn: In your case, yes.
Rezo: What the hell kinda joke was that?! I almost lost my job because of you!
Michael: Well if you had stopped making me look bad around girls, I wouldn't have done it.
Jewel: Dude, I don't think you needed any help from him.
Rezo: You screwed up on your own.
Michael: Oh don't give me that! You were always using that blasted seduction spell on anything with a skirt.
Tes: So, is that stronger than SI to get cute girls in bed?
CD: Now, come on, it's not THAT bad yet.
Auryn: Thank you, CD, you've just doomed us all.
You were always afraid to pick them up the old fashioned way.
Rezo: Oh yeah right, and like you didn't use that prostrate enhancement spell to pick that chick Sally up?
All: O.o *bink*
Michael: Oh Gods that's disgusting!
Jewel: For once, I agree with the SI author.
I never needed any those damn spells to begin with! I've just about had enough of this shit! FLARE ARROW!
Michael let loose a flare arrow, but Rezo was able to out-maneuver it.
Rezo: Still a little slow I see? DIL BRANDO!
Tes: Y'know, maybe if they blow the island up, this fic will end and it'll all be over?
The protective barrier came up around Michael in an instant to deflect the spell.
Michael: And to think that I was going to apologize to you. What the hell was I thinking?
CD: I dunno, what WERE you thinking with this fic?
Both drop to the ground and start muttering under their breath. Lina strains to listen to what they were saying, then her eyes grew wide and the expression on her face changes drastically.
Cerulite: *as Lina* Oh, crap, guys! It's gratuitous SI!
Lina: OH SHIT!!! EVERY ONE DROP!
Auryn: Why is everyone suddenly swearing like Valgaav in this thing?
Zelgadis: What's going on?
Lina: They're both gonna do the Dragon Slave!
Jewel: Then whey'd they drop to the ground?! I thought they were gonna do a Bu Brimer!
Zelgadis: Are they mad? They'll kill us all!
Tes: It'd be a mercy killing.
The two were poised to finish themselves and the castaways once and for all. The crimson balls of energy were just begging to be fired. The moment of truth was at hand.
CD: The truth was, this fic sucked.
Michael, Rezo: DRAGON--
All: *as Xellos* BI-YOTCH!
Queen of Swords: HOLD IT!
Auryn: Oh, Gods.... So, now there are two SI authors in one fic, but only one of them's writing it? Head.... hurt...
Tes: Feel the power of SI!
Both stop the spells instantly, and stare at the Queen of Swords. They try to cast their "Who me?" faces on themselves as best as they can.
Queen of Swords: What the hell are you trying to do!
Cerulite: You should just leave them alone.
Jewel: Yeah, they were gonna end this stupid fic!
Rezo (grinning): Oh, nothing. We're just trying to settle our little differences, that's all.
Queen of Swords: Settling your differences does not include blowing up my island and cast!
All: Yes, it does! Yes, it does!
I don't want either of you Dragon Slaving anything on this island to oblivion, do you understand me??? And that goes for Giga Slaves too!
CD: *as QOS* And twice on Sundays!
Tes: *as QOS* And call me Mistress!
Michael, Rezo: Yes ma'am.
Queen of Swords (pointing at Michael): Now apologize to Rezo for being such an ass.
Auryn: Hell, I think he owes US an apology for being such an ass.
Queen of Swords: DO IT!
CD: *as QOS* On your knees! Lick my boots!
Michael: Okay. Grr...Rezo...I'm...I'm...Damn, this is harder than I thought.
Tes: *snicker* Damn, he's really getting off on this SI stuff, huh?
Cerulite: *makes 'fapp, fapp, fapp' noises with his cheeks*
Others: *burst into giggles*
Rezo: Apology accepted.
Auryn: *as Rezo* I'm sorry, too.... sorry you're such an ASS!
Queen of Swords: There now. I assume you feel a lot better now?
Jewel: I think it's safe to say that NONE of us feel better about this.
Michael: Not really. Say Queenie...
Queen of Swords: Yes?
Michael: There are absolutely no Dragon or Giga Slaves allowed on the island, right?
CD: *getteaux fabulous* Ohhh, he schemin'.
Queen of Swords: That's right.
Michael: But everything else is fine?
Cerulite: No! Nothing about this fic is fine!
Queen of Swords: Yep.
Michael (grinning wickedly): Okay.
Michael reaches into his robe and pulls out a small black cylinder with a red button on top of it.
Tes: Like... a BOMB, maybe?
Auryn: Ohhh, he's bad. Badder than bad. Badder than Xellos.
He pushes the button.
Lina: What was that you just did?
Michael (still grinning): Oh, nothing.
A blue ball of photon energy goes flying by and nails Rezo dead on.
Michael: this doo-hickey is the trigger mechanism for a photon cannon. Rezo knows what it is. Isn't that right Rezo?
Jewel: Of course he does! Everyone knows you need to study photon cannons to cure your own blindness!
Rezo (now roasted again): All *cough* too well unfortunately. *cough* Where did you *choke* get that?
Cerulite: From a convenient plot hole, perhaps?
Michael: I bought it off of Queenie's Protoss friend Dathon. He was rather eager to sell it. He said something about needing money to buy troops to fight the Terran onslaught or something,
Tes: What the f-?
CD: It's times like these I REALLY wish Haunter-sama was here.
so I took it off his hands. I didn't really think I would need it.
Auryn: Nooo, he's not gonna need a photon cannon to fight an onslaught! Don't be silly!
I was actually planning to give it away.
Cerulite: Just what the Salvation Army needs.
[Dathon: No, it was for repairs to my ship after that damn party!]
Gourrigan: I'll take it!
All: O.o *bink*
Jewel: What the hell would HE do with it!?
Lina: The hell you will!
Lina pounces Gourrigan again and starts pummeling him.
CD: Gee, does anyone else here think that Lina's character is, I dunno, missing some characterization or something? *all raise hands* Thought so.
Michael: You know, pushing this button is pretty fun. I think I'll do it again. Tee Hee!
Rezo: Oh shit.....
Jewel: What is this guy's obsession with feces? Is he a fecalphile or something?
Another photon ball comes flying in, but it misses Rezo. Michael's giddy expression changes to sour displeasure, then his eyes get as big as saucers when the photon ball finally hits a target-- which was unfortunately the Queen.
All: *snicker, then full-fledged laughter*
Michael: Oh shit, I'm f***ed
Jewel: See, there goes that fecal obsession again...
Queen of Swords: *cough* Damn straight you are! When I get my hands on you......
Michael darts off in the other direction, with the Queen close behind him, carrying Firia's mace in her hand.
CD: Yeah, right. Like she'd dirty herself by touching anything of Filia's.
Auryn: *winces* You're a little bitter about this, aren't you?
Cerulite: Could she really LIFT something that heavy?
Tes: Through the power of SI, anything's possible!
Zangulus: Well, that's over. So what do we do now?
Martina: Hey Zangulus. Why don't you come with me to the hot springs? We'll have REALLY good time.
Jewel: Who saw this co-*all raise hands* Thought so.
Auryn: Martina/Zangulus Sex joke #40!
The married couple rushes off to the hot springs, giggling as they went along.
Lina: Aw shit!
Jewel: There he goes with the fecal fascination again...
Now we'll never get to go back to the hot springs again.
Zelgadis: Who'd want to after the two of them have been in it?
Lina: Good point.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the island....
Michael: C'mon Queenie, give me a break! It was an accident! I'm sorry, really I am!
Auryn: Don't buy it!
Jewel: Yeah! Orv wiv 'is 'ead!
All: *chanting* Orv wiv 'is 'ead! Orv wiv 'is 'ead! Orv wiv 'is 'ead!
Queen of Swords: Apologizing isn't gonna solve this one Mike. The only thing that will satisfy me is my foot standing triumphantly on top of your head!!!
CD: I swear to the Gods, that is Tira Misu in a really, really bad disguise.
NOW HOLD STILL!!!
Tes: *as QOS* ON YOUR KNEES! LICK MY BOOTS! CALL ME MISTRESS!
Tes: Oh, look, it's over, I guess that means we can leave now.
*all get up to go to the theater doors, but find them locked*
CD: Hey, what's the big idea?
Auryn: Yeah, the SI fic is over! We can go now!
*suddenly, the screen flashes Rail's picture on it*
Rail: Oh, sorry, kiddos. I must've forgotten to tell you. This fanfic has four parts. That was only the first one. *everyone stares, stunned* Oh, don't worry. He's only getting started. The real fun begins in the next chapter. Hope you enjoy it! Especially you, CD! *evil cackling fades off into the background as the fanfic screen comes back up and Rail disappears*
*all begrudgingly return to their seats*
CD: Dammit! SI sucks! Death to SI!
Jewel: CD... you're writing an SI fic right now....
CD: Exactly! If it wasn't for SI, I wouldn't be writing this, and we wouldn't be suffering through this stupid fic right now!
Others: *look at each other for a moment* DEATH TO SI!
Xellos' Tech Support
by Michael the Red Priest
The Queen of Swords has yet to get her obnoxiousness back,
Tes: What, I was never under the impression she'd LOST it.
Auryn: SI is always obnoxious.
so she continues to find guest writers who fill in for her until it does. Our fan fic begins in the office of the Queen herself...
Queen of Swords: I like this. I really do. But it's too cute for a site like mine.
CD: *as QOS* I mean, Micheal the Red Priest being run over by a Mack truck is just too cute, don't you think? We need something grittier.
I also fear that Rezo and Xellos would try and take advantage of you or something,
Jewel: I think that's QOS-ese for "You're better looking than me and I don't need the competition."
or even put you in danger. I'm sorry, I can't give you the job. You do understand don't you?
Chibi-Chibi Usa: *sniffle* Yes ma'am.
Cerulite: *throws a white flag in the air* Okay, I'm throwing the BS flag on that one. All Chibi-Chibi can say is "Chibi"!
Queen of Swords: Okay. NEXT!
CD: Was a very good series, but not as good as Try.
The door to the office opens, and we a silhouette of a tall figure holding a staff.
CD: *massaging temples* If it's that "Xellos is sleeping with the author" thing that's so common in these fics, I'm gonna break the screen...
The silhouette walks over and sits down in the empty chair in front of the Queen. The figure has a bandage wrapped around their head.
CD: Oh. It's just him.
Queen of Swords: You again???
Michael the Red Priest: Hello my queen. I understand you have a position open for scriptwriters?
Jewel: *as QOS* Yes, it's right here in this dumpster...
Queen of Swords: For scriptwriters yes, for you, HELL NO.
Tes: Finally, someone shows some sense.
Michael: C'mon Queen. You can't possibly still be mad at me for last time.
Queen of Swords: Yes, I'm still very mad. Let's recap and see why.
Cerulite: Noooo, let's not.
You nearly destroyed my cast and island, you shot me with a photon cannon--
Auryn: I don't see either of those as such a bad thing, actually...
Michael: I explained that to you already--
Queen of Swords: I'm not finished! Besides all that, you never finished writing the fan fic.
CD: I thought she DIDN'T want him to write anymore?
Tes: Whatever sense she WAS showing is gone since she's asking him to write MORE.
Michael: I most certainly did finish it!
Jewel: Liar. We wouldn't still be here if he did.
Queen of Swords: You forgot to edit it.
Queen of Swords: Whoops is right.. I'm not giving you the job Michael, and there's nothing you can do that can convince me otherwise.
CD: Now maybe we can leave!
Michael: What if I bribe you with a Xellos plushie?
Queen of Swords: You have a Xellos plushie?
Michael reaches into his robes and pulls out the plushie. It's about twelve inches high, and is in SD form.
Tes: As most plushies do tend to be.
The Queen reaches for it, but Michael pulls the plushie away from the Queen's reach, and waves his index finger.
Michael: Not so fast. You give me the job, and I give you the plushie.
Queen of Swords: That's low.
Auryn: You mean that's stupid. I hate this fic.
Michael: Hey, I do what I must.
Queen of Swords: Yes I know. You know what Michael? You've got skills that can get you through this business, I can see that clearly. All right, I'll give you the job.
CD: Gods, how pathetic. What an obsessive, drooling fangirl...
Jewel: *hands her a Valgaav plushie* Here, now shut up.
CD: *brightens and grabs it and begins to cuddle it*
You have two weeks to get this thing done. I'm sure the castaways won't mind letting you borrow a hut or something
Cerulite: *as QOS* I'm sure the girls won't mind letting you sleep in their hut with them or something.
for the time being. NOW GIMME THAT PLUSHIE!
Tes: *as QOS* AND LICK MY BOOTS!
She snatches the plushie away from Michael.
Michael: Really? I got the job? Oh, thank you Queen! You won't regret this, I promise!
Cerulite: No, we're gonna regret this.
Michael runs out of the room, leaving the Queen alone to cuddle with her precious little plushie.
Auryn: *covering eyes* I do not want to see this.
Queen of Swords (to the plushie): You are soooo cute.
We change scenes to the Island where the castaways dwell.
Jewel: I never thought I'd say this, but with what we just watched, I'm almost grateful for these morons.
The sun is rising, as well as one of our cast members.
Tes: *as Lina* Ohhh, Gourry.... You're up early this morning...
Lina Inverse gets up, rubs the sleep out of her eyes and--
All: *unenthused* Ahhhhhhhhh.
CD: Thank you, Lina, I'm deaf now.
Firia: Lina what's wrong?
Auryn: You want the list in alphabetical order? Or do you just want me to start by saying "This fic"?
Lina: What's wrong? Just look around you!
Firia looks around.
Jewel: *as Filia* Oh, no! We're in an SI fic! One of us is going to have to sleep with the author!
Firia: All I see is the beach. Wait a sec, what are we doing out here? We didn't have funky fruit last night did we?
Lina: No. The guys have all that's left of the harvest after winning their bet against Zangulus.
CD: Ohhh! *points* Important plot point! Important plot point!
Firia: So then how did we end up here?
Lina: That's what we're going to find out.
Lina starts waking up the rest of the girls, who catch on to the situation immediately.
Tes: Exactly how long would it take a person to catch onto the fact that they're on a sandy beach instead of their bed?
They then wake up the guys, and soon all are assembled in front of the girls' hut.
Rezo: You think you guys were thrown out of the hut?
Cerulite: Gods, I was right, he IS in their hut. *smacks self* Me and my big mouth.
Lina: It looks like that. But the real question here is who and why?
Gourrigan: Why don't we just open the door and find out?
Jewel: Oh, come on, how could they NOT know it's the SI author?
Lina charges up a fireball and Gourrigan kicks the door down.
CD: Ohh, action, action, and more action.
The room has been stripped completely.
Tes: Oh, what a naughty room.
All that's left is a Queen-sized bed, a coat hanger, and desk, which was occupied at the moment. The person at the desk is working at a laptop.
Auryn: He is an SI author. Fear him.
All he has on are red boxers and a pair of socks.
CD: *cries* I'm blind! I'm blind!
His staff is leaning next to him. Lina recognizes the face.
Lina: Michael the Red Priest!
Jewel: What, the staff and the red boxers didn't give you a clue?
Cerulite: *covering eyes* Is SI Author in Skivvies gone yet?
Tes: Sure, Ceri.
Michael: Hello Ms. Inverse.
Cerulite: *uncovers eyes* ARRRRGH! *whimpering* I'm impure now...
Lina: What did you do to our room? Furthermore, what did you do with our stuff?!
Michael: I'm sorry about the temporary inconvenience Ms. Inverse,
Auryn: This has been a little more than temporary, buddy.
but I was in a rush to set up shop, and I did not wish to disturb you girls. I assure though, your stuff is safe.
CD: *as Micheal* I guess. Not that I can be bothered with you lowly, non-SI types.
In fact, if you follow me, I'll show it to you.
Michael walks out of the hut, and all follow.
Michael: The Queen was nice enough to give me a second chance,
Tes: Damn her.
as well as an office. I knew some of you would not be happy with the fact that
Auryn: *as Micheal* ...I'm still breathing.
Cerulite: *as Micheal* ...I'm still running around in my damned underwear.
I'd be throwing fellow members out of the hut, so I stopped over in Japan. I talked to renowned mad scientist, Washuu,
CD: *Mihoshi-like wailing* He's defiled Washu now, too! *WAILING*
Jewel: *as Washu* Using excess energy from psuedospace, this device destroys the intended SI author...
Tes: Gods, he's not just in this anime, he's in ALL the anime.
and she was nice enough to build you girls a dimensional gateway to your own personal suites.
He stops in front of a pentagram-shaped hoop. A pinkish energy filled the middle of it.
CD: Oh, look. It's just like Tenchi in Tokyo.
Cerulite: Oh, look. It sucks just as bad, too.
Michael: All your stuff is in there. Do not be afraid to step through the hoop. I assure you, it's safe.
Auryn: Coming from you, that's reaaaaal assuring.
Lina shows a sign of doubt, but goes through the hoop anyway.
Jewel: *as Sasaki* Shina, get in the glowing green square.
Lina: WOW! This place is awesome!
Tes: *as Lina* Wow! Lookit all those naked Tenchi girls bathing and trying to drown each other over there!
Gourrigan's curiosity get the best of him, and he starts running to the hoop.
Gourrigan: Hey Lina, wait up for me!
Michael: Gourrigan, I wouldn't do--
CD: *as Micheal* You're not exactly Tenchi, Gourry...
Gourrigan runs through the hoop, but instead of being transported, he gets a jolt of electricity from the hoop.
Cerulite: And much like any of Washu's other inventions, it blows up and destroys the universe. The end. Can we go now?
Auryn: Getting pretty dark over there, aren't we, Ceri?
He passes out and falls to the floor.
Michael: I tried to warn him. Washuu installed a security system to keep boys out. I never wanted her to, but I couldn't reason with her once she installed it.
Tes: Why couldn't she have installed something to keep SI authors from writing?
CD: *whining* Washu, why hast thou forsaken us?
The guys have looks of sorrow on their faces, but Xellos' expression changes to a goofy grin, and he starts laughing like mad.
Xellos: HA HA HA! Yes! I'm the only guy who can get through the gateway!
Jewel: Why do I get the feeling there's about to be some Xellos bashing?
Zelgadis: What makes you so sure of that?
Xellos: Because I'm the only one who can change genders! HA HA HA!
CD: Damn you, Blink!
CD: ACK! Now they bring Morph into this! This is too much like Age of Apocalypse!
into his feminine form and makes a run for the hoop. He too gets shocked.
All: *make shocking sounds* Bzzzzzzz!
Xellos: Ow. What the hell gives? I'm a girl now, I should be through.
Auryn: Okay, this guy's been reading way too much "Zelgadis on the Couch".
CD: Don't remind me of that, okay? *rubs temples*
Michael: I did however, ask Washuu to install a system that would react to a certain Mazoku Trickster Priest.
Tes: *suggestively* And Washu knows ALL about Xellos... hehehehe.
CD and Auryn: *look at each other, then at Tes* We love you, CTR! *cackling*
Xellos: Why on earth would you do that?
Michael: I didn't want you putting you filthy hands on the girls' stuff. You have a knack for ruining people's lives and property.
Cerulite: Oh, and you, as an SI author, are better?
Jewel: He's such a considerate, gentlemanly bad ass.
Xellos: Thanks for recognizing my handy work. *snicker*
Firia pulls out her mace and bashes the trickster on the head, knocking him out this time.
CD: Awww, now they're just ganging up on him.
Tes: And since when can Filia actually HIT Xellos with her mace?
Sylphiel: Um, gee, thanks Mike.
Auryn: *as Sylphiel* ...thanks for nothing!
Michael: No sweat. Well, I gotta get back to writing. You girls enjoy your new rooms.
Cerulite: *as Micheal* At the Masaki house. Oh, and watch out for Nobiyuki. He's a bit of a hentai.
Jewel: "When Animes Collide, next on Fox..."
Lina: Thanks Michael.
Guys: Thanks a lot.
All: For nothing!
Michael: I almost forgot. I know you guys have been begging for half-naked gyrating dancing girls,
Tes: Is this over yet?
but this is the best I could do on such short notice.
He points to a crate near the hoop. Zelgadis opens it. Its full of Frederick's of Hollywood and Victoria's Secret catalogs,
CD: Oh, baby, oh baby.
Jewel: Women in slips. How enticing.
Tes: *as guys* Where's the Hustler? Or Cherry? Or High Society?
and a twelve-pack of Corona beer.
Auryn: So, what, that's about *counts* two beers apiece?
Cerulite: Party down.
Zelgadis: I'm in heaven.
CD: Good for you. We're in fanfiction hell. Thanks for asking.
The guys begin to gather around the crate, and Michael heads back to the hut.
A couple of hours later, Firia goes to Michael's hut.
Tes: Don't tell me... Filia's the one the SI author has decided he wants to sleep with.
CD: *sudden migrane**as Sarah* Oh, please, GOD, don't let the horse speak to me in words so trite...
She opens the door quietly. His red robes and shoulder armor are still hung up on the hanger. She sees him still typing at the laptop. He was wearing Tan pants and a red shirt, as well as a pair of glasses.
Cerulite: Well, at least he's clothed this time. *whew*
Hm, she thought, he looks even cuter with the glasses.
Auryn: And the Love Ribbon takes effect, ladies and gentlemen!
Michael senses that someone is in his room, and quickly turns around to see who it is.
Michael: Hi Firia, what can I do ya for?
Tes: *as Micheal* Or do ya just want me to do ya?
Firia: Um, oh nothing really. I just came by to thank you for the new rooms...And the security system.
CD: *as Filia* Goodness knows we wouldn't want any sexy, well-endowed Mazoku coming over to my room.
Jewel: You are intent on making this Xellia-shippy, aren't you?
CD: Damn skippy. Especially since I see where this is going.
Michael: You're welcome. I read up on what Xellos I capable of,
Cerulite: Hey, CD, he's been to your hentai page!
and I didn't want him to have you and the power of the gateway in his hands.
Firia: What did you say?
Tes: Apparently, he HAS been to CD's hentai page.
CD: Victory! ^-^v
Michael: Me? Um, I said, I said I didn't want him to have you girls and the power of the gateway in his hands. (nervous look)
Auryn: *as Filia* I'm sorry, Micheal, that last sentence destroyed any notion of believability you had going for you. Goodbye.
Yeah, that's what I said.
Firia (smirking): Oh, okay Mr. Red Priest. I'll see you at dinner.
Firia closes the door on the dumbstruck writer, sighs, and walks to the gateway. Meanwhile, Xellos was watching from a tree,
Jewel: As he is wont to do.
and watched everything that had happened. His fist is clenched tight enough to turn a lump of coal into a diamond.
Cerulite: Ohhh, that's pretty damned hard.
Xellos: I knew it. Trying to come between me and the dragon maiden?
Tes: Shouldn't that read "Dragon Bi-yotch"?
CD: *hopeful* See, Rail was just trying to scare us! This is turning Xellia-shippy already!
Auryn: Better be careful making statements like that....
(evil grin) Well, we'll just see about that.
Xellos waves his hand, and the laptop in Mike's room goes haywire.
Jewel: Destroying his harddrive, thus erasing his fanfic and ending our misery. Can we go now?
Michael: NO! Don't do this to me now! I gotta finish this fan fic!
All: NO! No you don't!
Xellos (still grinning): Having computer troubles Mike?
Michael: Um, yeah.
Xellos: You don't mind if I take a look at it?
Michael: You can fix it?
Xellos: The Queen taught me how to trouble-shoot computers.
CD: Wow, she's just so versatile. Does anyone else get the feeling this SI author is trying to suck up to that other SI author? *all raise hands* Thought so.
I might be able to find out what's wrong. [QOS: Heaven help ya if I taught him...]
Michael gets up and offers his seat to Xellos. Xellos sits down and examines the computer.
Jewel: ...before smashing it, thus ending the SI author's means of making this fic, thus ending our misery.
Xellos: Here's the problem.
Jewel: No? Damn.
The hard drive looks like it's been through the wringer. We need to replace it.
Michael: I don't carry spares with me.
Xellos: Not to worry my friend. I might have one in my collection of junk from previous cross-overs.
Tes: *snicker* Maybe he can go ask Washu for one?
Auryn & CD: *snicker*
I'll go check.
Xellos walks over to the guys hut and walks over to his hammock. Under it, there is a gothic-looking trunk. Xellos pulls it out. It reads "Xellos' Trunk o' Tricks" (how original).
Cerulite: So far, nothing I've seen in this fic has been original.
He opens it up and looks for a hard drive. He finds two.
CD: Give him the Windows 3.1 one with the blue screen of death!
Xellos: Wow, I've got a lot more junk than I thought. (Holds up both drives) Let's see, this one is the one that is working, and this is the one that will blast that laptop to the stone age.
Jewel: Another innovation from Washu Industries, folks!
Xellos grins. The plan is simple and fool-proof. He gives Mike the lousy hard drive, and the computer stops working.
Tes: And then he can't write this stupid fic, then we can go! Yes, yes, we understand! Just DO IT!
He won't be able to finish the fic, and the Queen will fire him. And Xellos will be a happy Mazoku again.
Auryn: And some semblance of joy can return to our lives again.
It isn't his best plan, but he cannot stand for this a minute longer. He then notices something in the trunk that sparks his interest.
Xellos: Well now, what have we here?
CD: *as Xellos* The Flaming Dildo of the Fire Dragon King! I told Filia to put this away...
Jewel: *as Xellos* Hmmmm, comes in three speeds... "Jackhammer", "Fiery Hot Love", and... "Die Smiling"?
Xellos pulls out two things from the trunk: The ACME plot device, and the Dimensional Distortion Device.
Xellos: This would be even more interesting.
Cerulite: I get the feeling this is going to get very, very bad, very, very soon.
He ditches the crappy hard drive and starts looking for a couple more things: A radar dish, a lawn-mower engine, and the other hard drive. He picks up all the junk and heads back to the hut.
Tes: Xellos is suddenly MacGuyver.
Xellos: This will be even more fun than funky fruit.
We change scenes over to the girls' new "hut". Each have their own room, which are double the size of their old hut. Their rooms all join at a large living area, with exercise equipment, hot tubs, and a bunch of bean bag chairs.
Auryn: Okay, so the SI author was all bad-assed last chapter, and now he's a big sensitive ladies' man? Was die Holle, Shinji.
We find the girls here (minus a lounging Naga), trying to console a distraught Firia.
Lina: Firia, we can't help you if you don't tell us what's wrong.
Firia: I just don't wish to talk about. It's kind of embarrassing.
CD: *as Filia* The SI author tried to pick me up! And now Xellos will surely kill him for his transgression, and I'll be stuck picking up his entrails, just like the last one!
Sylphiel: We promise not to laugh.
Firia: Oh, all right. I think Michael likes me.
Tes: Poor, poor Filia.
Jewel: Poor Filia? Poor stupid SI author! Everyone knows you don't mess with a Mazoku's bi-yotch!
Lina: You're kidding! Him?
Lina: So how are you planning to handle this? Are you gonna turn him down?
All: Please say yes.
Firia: Why, no.
Cerulite: *as Filia* I do whatever the nice SI author tells me to.
CD: *shudder* Who saw this co-*everyone raises their hands* Never mind.
(grinning) The thing is, I like him.
CD: I will not... go "Rachel Summers" over this fic... *twitch*
Amelia, Lina, Sylphiel: WHAT??!!
Firia: What's wrong with that?
Lina: Everything! You hardly even know this guy. All you know is that he likes red.
Auryn: Finally, someone talks sense here. Thank you, Lina. Knew we could count on you.
Do you even know his age?
CD: Didn't I once read something saying he was 15?
Cerulite: Ewwww, cradle robbing golden dragons...
Fira: No. But I can find it out, can't I?
Lina: True. But you also have to remember that he's a fan fic writer working for the Queen.
Tes: And that in itself is just plain evil.
You know she will not allow something like this to happen.
Firia: But she sleeps with Xellos all the time,
Jewel: *as Filia* And I don't get to! I'm jealous, dammit!
CD: *twitching* I... will not... go "Rachel Summers"... I will not...
and she's a writer too.
Auryn: *mumbling* Or what passes for one...
Lina: Point taken. sigh Firia, are you sure you wanna do this?
Cerulite: *as Filia* Because the SI author said so!
Lina: All right. C'mon girls, it's makeover time.
Tes: *sigh* Since when did LINA care about makeovers?
CD: This fanfic is cruel.
Meanwhile, back at Michael's office/room...
Xellos: There! It's finished. Hey Mike, come check out the computer.
Michael walks into the hut, and stops dead in his tracks.
Cerulite: We couldn't get that lucky, could we? Naaaaah.
Michael: What the hell is that?
Xellos: It's your computer. I know it looks a little different, but I had very little to work with.
Auryn: *as Xellos* Two pennies, a piece of duct tape, and bubblegum! I'm MacGuyver, after all!
He wasn't kidding. The computer is two times bigger, and has a bunch of junk hard-wired to it.
Michael: The purpose of it being a portable computer has lost all it's meaning.
Xellos: Quit complaining. At least it's working now.
Michael: You're right. Thanks Xellos.
Tes: *as Micheal* For not killing me yet for hitting on your bi-yotch... Oops, did I just give myself away? Damn.
Xellos: Don't mention it. It's the least I could do after you bestowed us with such grand entertainment.
Gourrigan: Hey guys! Dinner is ready.
Xellos: I'll be right on over, I just need to shut the computer down.
Cerulite: *as Xellos* ...Permanently...
Jewel: We couldn't get that lucky.
Michael slips on his robes, takes his staff, and leaves. The trickster waits a moment, then flashes the trademark evil grin again.
He sits down in front of the computer, cracks his knuckles, and starts typing.
Auryn: Granted, I'm all for the "destroy the bad SI author's comp, end the fic" stuff, but how die Holle is this going to keep him away from Filia?
CD: I'm mystified.
The dinner table is almost full. Naga, Amelia, Rezo, Gourrigan, and Zelgadis are already sitting down. Sylphiel is setting down the entrees when Firia and Lina walk over to the table. Gourrigan nearly chokes on a piece of coconut at the sight.
Gourrigan: *gag* F-Firia!
Tes: I think it's safe to say that giving makeovers is not Lina's specialty.
Zelgadis: Whoa. Firia you, you look so, so--
Lina: Different? Yep, thanks to me and the girls.
Firia is no longer wearing her usual pink dress with white cloak. Instead, she wears a pink mid-driff with white shorts.
Jewel: Filia has suddenly been made over into Britney Spears.
Amelia had cut her hair neck length, and her face glowed like the sun, thanks to the make-up Lina had applied.
Cerulite: So, basically, she's Celcia from Those Who Hunt Elves.
CD: That's low. Not only does the SI author write her into his bed, he also has to change her into whatever kind of woman he wants. *pause**weakly* I think I'm gonna be sick...
Michael enters, and is also stunned by Firia's new look.
Michael: Wow. Firia, you-you look gorgeous.
Tes: Why are you surprised? You wrote her that way!
Firia: You think so?
Michael: Yeah. (looks at Sylphiel) So Sylphiel, what's for dinner tonight?
Auryn: How romantic.
Sylphiel: Well, its--
Jewel: YES! Mechs! Now the mechs can come and destroy them all!
CD: Can we just Giga Slave this moron and be done with him? Lina? Luna? Anyone?
Gourrigan panics, and hides under the table.
Gourrigan: AHH!!! They're back! Keep those monsters away from me! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!
Naga: Where did they come from?
Tes: Where did *what* come from!? All we heard was a chorus!
Rezo: I have no clue, but they're REALLY starting to get on my nerves. Michael, would you care to join me in a little chorus smashing?
Auryn: Oh, so now they're suddenly buddies, huh?
Cerulite: I think now would be a good time for the SI author to show us just how wonderful and powerful he is by taking out the Escaflowne mechs so Filia can fawn all over him.
CD: *holds back a retch*
Michael: I'd be delighted.
Michael, Rezo: FIREBALL!!!
The chorus is reduced to ashes, and their is much rejoicing. The two priest in red sit down, and prepare to eat.
Zelgadis: That was weird.
Jewel: As SI fics are wont to be.
Michael: Not as weird as this.
He points to a little man climbing up his staff. He looks an awful lot like Gourrigan in a jogging suit. When he reaches the top of the staff, he tries to get his mouth around the orb so that he could swallow it.
Tes: What... the... frag...
Michael: HEY! Knock that off!
He prepares to backhand it, when Sylphiel pries the little thing off the orb. She then starts to cuddle it.
Cerulite: This fic isn't fair.
Jewel: There is noooo justice here.
Sylphiel (in a caring voice): Hello there little fella. How did you get here?
Lina: Sylphiel! We told you to get rid of that little pest!
Sylphiel: I did, I have no idea how he ended up back here.
Lina: Something funny is going on here.
Tes: No, Lina. There is nothing funny about SI.
Amelia: Hey, where's Xellos?
CD: Hopefully off plotting his vengeance against Micheal, the SI author. *still looking pale*
Everyone realizes that the Trickster Priest is nowhere to be found.
Michael: I saw him 5 minutes ago. He was fixing my computer, and he said he'd shut...it...down...for...me. Aw shit!
Jewel: There he goes again...
You don't think he's doing this with the computer?
Zelgadis: We'll have to find out. Either way, I'm gonna kick that piece of Mazoku garbage's ass in.
Auryn: Here I'd thought "bitchy superhero freak" and the bad pick up lines from Slayers Return Again were out of character for him, but this... This takes the cake, mein freunds.
Xellos: Tsk, tsk Zelgadis. Now you'll have to pay for that remark.
Cerulite: *as Xellos* ....with BLOOD! *everyone turns to look at him* Heh. *cheesy grin*
Xellos turns of the ACME plot device, and turns on the Dimensional Distortion Device.
Xellos: Let's see how you like this Chimera-boy.
Tes: I feel cheesy SI anime crossovers approaching...
CD: *brightens* Nah, I think Xellos is just gonna smite the non-believers. *unbelievably idealistic, i.e. trying to convince herself* That's it... Xellos is going to make them all pay for this travesty of justice! YAY!
Others: *uncertainly* ...yay...
The environment around the castaways begins to stretch and distort, then a popping noise heard. The group is now in the Chapel of Seyruun. The guys are wearing Black tuxes with carnations (except for the red priests who always wear red), and the girls are in white dresses. Zelgadis is standing in the center, next to a priest.
Auryn: Was die Holle...?
Jewel: I think this is a scene out of one of those Amelia/Zelgadis fics.
Cerulite: We couldn't get THAT lucky.
Zelgadis: What on earth is this all about?
Cue the organ, which is playing wedding music.
Zelgadis: Oh no.
The doors at the front of the Chapel open up,
Tes: Cue the Amelia bashing!
and Amelia and her father, Prince Phil, walk down the aisle, both with tears of joy.
Zelgadis: Someone shoot me.
All: US FIRST.
Back in Michael's hut, Xellos is on the floor, busting a gut at Zelgadis' misfortune.
CD: I wish he'd just bust Micheal's gut and end this wretched fic.
Xellos: Well, in couple of hours, at least one of us will know if what Martina says is true. BWAH HA HA!
Auryn: Martina/Zangulus sex joke #41!
Queen of Swords: Xellos what the hell are you doing?
Jewel: GODS, I wish they'd warn us before she did that!
Auryn: Gott, they're in the same room alone together... you know what this means...
CD: *turning green* *as Sarah* Please... GOD.... don't let the horse...
Xellos: Eep! Well hello, Queen. Um, Fancy meeting you here. Speaking of which, why are you here anyway?
Queen of Swords: I came to check up on Michael's progress. Funny how I should find all the cast members missing, and you here. Where are they?
Xellos: It's a secret.
CD: *still turning green* ...don't let the horse... speak to me... like this...
The Queen give Xellos a sour look.
Queen of Swords: The truth, Xellos.
Xellos: Um, I don't know really. I think he and the gang went out for Chinese or some--grk!
The Queen wraps her hand around Xellos' trachea and squeezes.
Cerulite: Oh, Gods, here it comes... brace for impact, guys...
Queen of Swords: Wrong answer honey. Now I'll ask this again: WHERE ARE THEY?
Xellos: gack! Okay! grk! I'll talk! Just let choke me go!
She lets go.
Xellos (annoyed): gasp You're certainly in a feisty mood today.
All: *cringe**prepare for worst*
I used the Dimensional Distortion Device that I attached to Michael's computer, and put all of them in a dimension where Zelgadis is about to marry the leech er, I mean Amelia.
Tes: Huh...? Is it over now?
CD: *whew* It was just Amelia bashing and not gratuitous "Xellos is sleeping with the SI author" jokes?
Auryn: Damn, that was a close one...
Queen of Swords: snicker That's a pretty good gag Xellos. But I have not decided to have Zel and Amelia get married....yet. Now turn that thing off.
Queen of Swords: DO IT.
Tes: *as QOS* DO IT NOW! LICK MY BOOTS!
Xellos turns of the machine, and everything returns to normal.
Amelia: WAHH!!! I was so close. Ooo, that Xellos is gonna pay for this.
Amelia pulls out a knife from her blouse
Cerulite: Since when has Amelia pulled a knife from ANYwhere?
Jewel: I thought Amelia didn't like knives since her mother was killed with one...
and run towards Michael's hut, but the guys tackle and restrain her.
CD: More Amelia bashing. Yay.
Then the Queen comes out of the hut, with a mallet in one hand, and an unconscious Xellos in the other.
CD: *sputtering indignantly* What!? He can't be out yet! He's still got to make the non-believers pay for their transgressions!
Michael: Well, at least that's over.
Queen of Swords: Not yet.
Queen of Swords: There is one more thing we must do.
Cerulite: Fall on your own swords and end your meaningless SI existences, thus negating this fanfic and freeing us from this Hell?
Tes: Whoa, he's getting darker! I like it!
The next day, we find all the cast members (except Martina and Zangulus) sitting down in chairs, and the Queen and Michael sitting in a raised platform. The Queen is in judicial robes, and Xellos is in a suit.
Xellos: Your honor, our friend Michael the Red Priest is brought her today by writ of all that legal bullshit I said last time. He has been charged with being an idiot, and allowing me to use plot devices that incited mass hysteria on the island.
All: *chanting* Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!
Jewel: ORV WIV 'IS 'EAD! ORV WIV 'IS 'EAD!
Michael: What the hell kinda court is this? How was I supposed to know that Xellos had attached dangerous equipment to my computer?
CD: *standing up* You're the one who freakin' wrote this fanfic! You SHOULD know!
He's the one that did it, he should be the one up here being punished.
Queen of Swords: He is being punished. He has to be the lawyer again.
Auryn: Wow, that's some punishment.
(redirects her attention to Xellos) Continue, Xellos dear.
Michael: Oh Gods this is a bunch of %$^@!
Jewel: Oh, NOW he decides to censor his swearing?
Cerulite: You do realize, this author considers himself the star, and he's not going to let himself get convicted, let alone punished, right?
CD: *eerily reminiscent of Rei Ayanami* Our suffering is only just beginning.
Queen of Swords: Oh my! Such language shall not be tolerated in this courtroom. Bailiff!
Rezo pulls his eyes away from the Victoria's Secret catalog he was reading.
Rezo: Yes Queen?
Auryn: *as Rezo* Is it time to make another blind joke?
Tes: I think they have Victoria's Secret in braille now.
Queen of Swords: Silenced the accused. Stuff his mouth with something.
Rezo pulls out a piece of funky fruit from his robes and stuffs it in Michael's mouth, which he ends up swallowing.
Jewel: Great, now let's see him give some to Filia to get her in bed with him.
CD: And now that you've said that....
Queen of Swords: You idiot!
Rezo: What? I did what you told me too. I stuffed his mouth.
Queen of Swords: But did you have to stuff narcotic fruit in it?
Firia stands up from her spot on the jury box. Her face is red with anger.
CD: *twitch* *as Sarah* Don't... let the horse... talk to me... this way...
Firia: Oops? All you can say is oops? You people make me sick! Sick, sick, sick!
Tes: SI authors make me sick, too!
How dare you mistreat him like this! He--
CD: *channeling Rei Ayanami* There is no hope for us now.
Rezo: Put a sock in it Firia.
He flings another piece of funky fruit at Firia's open mouth, and she too, ends up swallowing it.
Auryn: There is REALLY no hope for us now.
Jewel: Me and my big mouth...
Queen of Swords: Oh great! Now we have two stoned-out people.
Firia staggers out of the jury box and walks over to Michael. She grabs him and gives him a very passionate kiss.
CD: *hugging Cerulite, who happened to be nearest to her* My life is over. My entire existence has been invalidated by this fic. *tortured sob*
Cerulite: *twitching as well* There, there, have some soup, CD... *offers soup, twitching* Soup is good.... Knives are good, too.
Auryn: *blink* And they were such gentle souls...
Michael: Whoa. You have a tail?
Tes: YES, she has a tail! She's a fraggin' dragon for the Gods' sake!
Firia: Yeah. You wanna see what else I got?
CD: *shaking* Goddammit, I HATE Blink!
Zelgadis: Oh Gods, this is disgusting! We cannot possibly just sit here and watch them do this.
Auryn: I agree.
Jewel: Me, too.
Tes: Me, three.
Xellos: Speak for yourself Stony, I'm enjoying this.
Jewel: *numbly* There is no justice here. None.
Tes: How the hell is he enjoying watching his bi-yotch make out with that loser!?
CD: *weakly* Nooooo, not Xellos, too.... Canal! VOLPHIED! Why hast thou forsaken us!? Whyyyyyyy?! *collapses in fits of tears*
The Queen grabs Xellos by the ear.
Queen of Swords: Oh no you won't, and that goes for the rest of you too. Go back to the village and let's leave this two alone.
Cerulite: Okay, I used to simply dislike her. Now, I hate her.
(points at Xellos) And as for you--
Auryn: *wincing* Brace for impact, guys...
Jewel: Oh, Gods, hold CD down. *everyone does so*
Xellos: I'm going over to your place?
CD: *whines like a dog ready to be put to sleep*
Queen of Swords: as pleasing as that sounds, NO. I want you to rebuild that computer to the way it originally was.
Auryn: Dammit, these just keep getting closer and closer. I think next time, he's gonna hit us with one.
Xellos: Yes ma'am.
The two begin to walk away, but Xellos stops when he sees a transform Firia flying away with Michael on her back.
Xellos: I got a bad feeling about this...
CD: *weakly, everyone has quit holding her down now* That's funny, I'm feeling kinda sick right now... Kinda like I'm gonna - urp... *jumps up, sprints to corner, begins projectile vomiting*
Cerulite: Soup is good... Soup is good... ...Knives are good, too...
Jewel: It's going to take them at least a week of watching Try reruns and drinking tea before they'll have even any semblance of normality.
CD: *dry heaving in the corner*
Tes: Yeah, and we're only halfway through the damned thing.
Auryn: *morbidly* You know what that means, right?
Jewel: *hesitantly* What...?
Auryn: I don't think we'll be much better off than them by the end of this thing...
CD: *finishes dry heaving, returns to seat* Okay, I'm better. Is this thing over?
Part 2: You Are So Dead
You Are SO Dead
CD: GAH! I guess not...
Auryn: Gee, that's rather cryptic. We shouldn't get our hopes up, though.
by Michael the Red Priest
Jewel: SI pig that he is...
It's been nearly a week since a stoned-out Red Priest and dragon maiden
Tes: *ahem* ...dragon bi-yotch...
escaped the island and seemed to disappear off the face of the earth.
Cerulite: Dare to dream, huh?
Lina has now become worried, and goes to talk to her boss, the Queen of Swords. The office is dark, Lina thought.
Lina: I guess I should turn on a light.
All: NO! NO, DON'T DO IT!
Auryn: Brace for impact!
CD: *broken* Mommy, it tastes like burning....
She flicks on a light and facefaults.
Lina (in shock): QUEEN!
Cerulite: Freddy Mercury!
We see the Queen kissing and fondling her Xellos plushie.
Auryn: That was too damned close... Next time...
CD: *broken* Noooo, don't let the horse speak to me this way....
She sees Lina, panics, and tries to hide the plushie.
Queen of Swords: Ack! Um, hi Lina. Is there something I can do for you?
Jewel: You could kill yourself, thus ending this wretched excuse for a fanfic and allowing us to leave...
Is it something about the party we're planning?
Lina: Well, I wanted to talk. About Michael and Firia. They've been gone an awful long time.
Tes: Yes, and hopefully they'll stay gone and spare us his SI.
CD: *barely coming out of it* Why does Lina care, anyway?
Queen of Swords: Yes, Lina, I know. Which is why I've been asking our guest writers for a hand in finding them.
Auryn: Oh, great, SI authors on parade. Whoopie.
Lina: That's not what I'm worried about. He's a sorcerer, and she's a dragon maiden.
Tes: ...dragon bi-yotch...
Cerulite: He's a high backed rocking chair, she's a comfy recliner! CAN they make it in the big city?
They can take care of themselves.
Queen of Swords: Well if that's not the case, then what are you worried about?
CD: *as Lina* Well, Xellos hasn't been... 'well' since Filia left...
Jewel: You're still trying to make this Xellia-shippy, aren't you?
CD: Hey, if it keeps me from completely going insane, whatever works...
Lina: Well, it's--
Secretary: Sorry to interrupt you Queen, but I have managed to establish a transmission to Dathon.
Cerulite: Dare I even ask...? No, I don't want to know.
Shall I put it through?
Queen of Swords: Yes please. One moment Lina.
The Queen spins her chair around and the wall behind her opens up to reveal a video screen. The screen turns on, and Dathon's image is before her.
Tes: More SI goodness!
Dathon: You wished to speak with me Queen?
Queen of Swords: Yes Dathon. One of my cast members and a guest writer have gone missing.
Jewel: Darn the luck. Darn, darn the luck.
CD: Not like they ever did anything with Filia, anyway. She was just kinda like a piece of cardboard sitting there.
Auryn: Hell, she's been like a piece of cardboard for this entire fic, anyway.
I was figuring since you can see a lot more from up there than we can, you could help us spot them. I'll send you over some more data on the situation in a moment.
Dathon: Yes, my Queen. I will do my best to locate them.
Secretary: Queen, I have Bluefox on the other line. He says it's urgent.
Cerulite: *groan* Not another one....
Queen of Swords: Okay. Put him through.
The image changes and we see Bluefox standing before the monitor.
Queen of Swords: Yes Bluefox, what can I do for you?
Jewel: Kill yourself and end this fic? Maybe? Please?
Bluefox: Hey Queen. I got the APB you sent out for Michael and Firia. Relax. They were with me all week.
CD: That poor, poor SI author.
Queen of Swords: What?!
Bluefox: I found them passed out in front of my mall with a hangover. When they came to, they decided to stay and pick up supplies. Which reminds me, you'll see a statement on your credit card bill that reads $10,268.34.
Auryn: I don't think that can even make up for the torment we're going through right now.
Tes: Hey, I found it at least somewhat satisfying. She deserved it.
Cerulite: Now if we could only find a way to make Micheal pay for putting us through this hell....
Queen of Swords: What on earth for?
Bluefox: They put it on your charge card.
All: *point* HAH HAH!
Queen of Swords: Now how the hell did they--aw shit. I left my stuff with Firia when I changed into the robes for the trial.
Jewel: Plot twist after stunning plot twist.
CD: The action's a mile a minute 'round these parts.
I was wondering where that card went. What did they buy?
Tes: Well, they started with a double-ended...
CD: *turns blue* Oh, Gods.... *runs back to the corner and begins dry heaving again*
Bluefox: 8 TV's, 4 stereos, a PSX game console, 20 games, a new wardrobe for the castaways, a portable generator, a meat locker, and the rest is all food.
Jewel: *numbly* No justice... there is no justice...
Queen of Swords (rubbing her temples): Did they buy anything else?
Bluefox: Well, that's a secret.
Xellos burst out of the office bathroom door with a toothbrush in his mouth and a towel wrapped around him.
CD: *dry heaves harder, if that's possible* Oh, God... *heave* ...don't let... *heave* ...the horse... *heave*
Auryn: We have a hit! He got us!
Jewel: Stumbling out of the bathroom, grinning like a bear on crack... Why didn't I see it coming!?
Cerulite: Soup is good.... soup is good... *pause* ...Knives are good, too.... *takes one out of God-knows-where, begins licking it*
Tes: *shudder* *finishes Diet Pepsi, grabs a new one from coat*
Xellos: HEY! Stop using my lines you blue, pointy-eared twit!
Queen of Swords: XELLOS! I told you to stay in there until Lina was gone!
Auryn: I think we can all agree on that.
Xellos: Whoops. (looks at Lina) Lina, you saw nothing. Let this be our little secret.
Cerulite: He sounds just like one of those child molesters... Or someone from Chibi-Usa's Seventh Birthday... *CD heaves harder at mention of kiddie porn*
Lina: (eye twitching) Okay. But why bother? Everyone will know about it sooner or later.
CD: *from her corner* Noooo, Lina, everyone already DOES know about it. Ad nauseam.
Xellos: Good point. giggle
Lina: Well, I should go now. I'll leave you two alone.
Xellos: Okay then, bye.
Jewel: Oh, Gods, Lina, don't leave them alone again!
Auryn: Now I have to live with the knowledge of what they're doing in there. I am now impure. *shudder*
Tes: Gods, this guy is such a suck-up. Damned boot lickers.
Lina runs out as fast as her feet can carry her, leaving Xellos and a blushing Queen behind.
Back at the island, Lina has assembled what's left of the castaways for a group meeting.
Zelgadis: So that's where they've been all this time?
Lina: Yep. But something doesn't seem to be right.
Cerulite: No, Lina, nothing here is right. This is an SI fic. The entire world is wrong... *licks knife*
Zelgadis: What do you mean?
Lina: Bluefox was keeping something from the Queen. I can't help but wonder, could it have been something about Michael and Firia?
CD: *has finally quit heaving and has returned to her seat* Whatever it is, I think we're better off not knowing.
Zelgadis: Lina. Do us all a favor and don't get involved in this. Curiosity has gotten the better of you more times than one. It may be best that we didn't know. Okay?
Lina: Oh, all right.
Rezo: Hey wait a sec, where's Xellos?
Lina: shudder At the Queen's office.
Jewel: no justice... no justice...
CD: *whispering* don't let the horse talk to me this way... not in words this trite...
Cerulite: Erase the bad thoughts... Erase the bad thoughts...
Zelgadis: See what I mean. You were curious about how the progress of the search was going, and you end up learning that little nugget of joy.
Lina: Okay, okay. I see your point.
Tes: Just sit on your little island and continue with your meaningless existence, Lina. You're better off that way.
Amelia: So when will Mike and Firia be arriving?
Auryn: Hopefully they won't, and I'll be able to hold onto the last shreds of my fading sanity.
Jewel: You couldn't get that lucky.
Lina: I didn't stay long enough to hear that part. However, I do think we should post watch and keep an eye out for them.
CD: *as Lina* Shoot them on sight.
Sylphiel: I second.
Chibi-Chibi Gourrigan: Same here.
Everyone looks at Chibi-Chibi Gourrigan, then Sylphiel.
Tes: Well, as obnoxious as this fic is, I gotta admit, it's kinda cute.
Sylphiel: He didn't disappear when Xellos turned off the plot device.
Lina: Where did Xellos find that thing anyway? I thought it blew up?
Rezo: I can answer that. I went digging through his "Trunk o' Tricks".
Auryn: Ohhh, how conve-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-enient.
The bottom of the trunk is nothing but a giant plot hole.
Cerulite: I could've told you that. This whole fic is one giant plot hole.
Lina: Figures. All right, who's gonna take the first watch?
Zelgadis: I will. After what you just told me about Xellos, I know I won't be able to get much sleep tonight.
Jewel: I don't think I'm ever going to be able to sleep again after what we just saw.
Lina: All right. Rezo, you have the next shift.
The next day, we find an agitated Rezo standing out on the beach with a pair of binoculars.
Auryn: *as Rezo* Oh, look, it's time for another blind joke.
Rezo: Dammit! Why do I have to be the watchman? I'm blind dammit! It's not like I'm gonna spot them heading toward the island or something. I'm visually impaired, why do they not understand that?!
Auryn: Rezo blind joke #5!
Rezo stops his complaining when he hears what sounds like a boat coming toward the shore.
CD: Please, Gods, let it be the Coast Guard or some Nicaraguan drug dealers who will shoot all of them on sight.
Rezo: Omigosh. Can it be? We're going to be saved! Yes!!! Finally, I can get back to my laboratory and try to absorb another dark lord or something.
Tes: *rubs temples* He was BORN with Shaburanigdo inside his body...
Tes: Ohhhhh, yeah.
Woo hoo! I'm--
Michael the Red Priest: You're staying.
CD: *cries* They're back.
Jewel: There is no justice here.
Rezo: Huh? Michael, is that you?
Michael: Yep. Okay Bluefox, start unloading the boat.
Cerulite: *as Micheal* Careful with that cardboard cut out Filia! I'd have too much trouble actually writing her as an actual person.
Bluefox: I'm already working on it.
The castaways start running to the beach once they noticed the boat parked on the shoreline.
Auryn: ...with pitchforks and torches, intent on killing the horrible SI author.
Bluefox was bringing stuff down from the boat, and Michael was standing next to Rezo.
Tes: Leaving Filia to help unload the boat, like the male chauvinist pig he is.
Michael: Hey guys! How was life on the island without us?
CD: A helluva lot better than life WITH you on the island, that's for sure.
Lina: Boring. Hey Bluefox, long time no see.
Bluefox: Hey Lina! I got a present for you and Gourrigan, my treat.
He pulls out two crates full of stuff from the food court.
Lina, Gourrigan: Food!!!
Michael: Not so fast you two. We could really use your help unloading the boat.
Cerulite: He sure is lazy.
Lina: Oh, okay. Hey Michael, where's Firia?
Tes: Unloading the boat while this jackass yammers like an idiot.
Michael: She preferred to come to the island in her own way.
He points up to the sky, where we see the dragon maiden
Tes: ...dragon bi-yotch...
fly by and land in the village.
Michael: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's help Bluefox get this stuff unloaded.
With the help of magic and brute strength, the task is done in less than an hour.
Gourrigan, taking the last thing from the boat, picks up his food crate and bids farewell to Bluefox. As Gourrigan walks toward the village, he notices a glint of light coming from the sand.
Gourrigan: What's that?
Jewel: Why am I sure I don't even want to know?
He bends over and picks whatever it is, up. It looks like a diamond ring.
Auryn: Please, please tell me that's not what I think it is.
CD: *turns green* I'ma be sick again.
Gourrigan: I'd better show this to Lina.
Meanwhile, back at the village, Firia opens the door to Michael's hut.
Cerulite: Please say he's not in his boxers again.
She finds him on the floor, doing push-ups. She smirks.
Firia: Hey there, handsome.
Tes: And the Love Ribbon takes effect.
Michael: Hi Firia. Just keeping my body in shape.
Firia: That's good. After all, that is the reason I married you.
All: *stare**pause* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!
CD: *whimpers, holds head, falls to floor* Mommy, mommy... it tastes like burning! *tortured sobbing*
Cerulite: Soup is good.... soup is good.... *cracking, sounding even more psycho* ...Knives are good, too...
Jewel: There is no justice here! *cries* There is NO JUSTICE! ONNA! KISAMAAAA!
Auryn: *twitching* *as Asuka* Ohh, Gott... It's invading my mind...
Tes: Damn this SI crap. It's WORSE than those fraggin' Love Ribbons.
Michael: I thought it was my caring nature that attracted you to me? Or was it the fact that we were both intoxicated with funky fruit?
Auryn: *as Micheal**holding her head, ala Asuka* Or maybe it was the seduction spell. Or the prostrate enhancement spell. Or the Love Ribbon.
Tes: Nooo, it's only the power of SI!
CD: *sobbing, dry heaving from floor* *as Rei Ayanami* I dislike the color red... *heave**sob* ...it reminds me of blood... *heave**sob*
Firia: That too.
They kiss. Then Michael stops when he notices something.
Jewel: That this is making the viewing audience sick to their stomachs? *CD continues dry heaving**Cerulite continues licking his knife*
Michael: Firia, darling.
Michael: Where's your ring?
Firia: My ring?
Tes: *as Micheal* Damn, the brainwashing's wearing off!
She looks at her hands, only to notice that indeed, the ring is gone.
Firia: OH SHIT! The ring! Where is it?
Jewel: Did she just say...?
CD: *cries* This is not right! This is not decent!
Auryn: It's got to be a clone or a body snatcher or something! That can't be Filia!
Michael: You don't think it fell off on the beach do you?
Firia: I hope not. C'mon, let's go check.
The two run past Gourrigan, but Michael stops when he sees a glint of light flash off Gourrigan's hand. He tugs on Firia's arm
Cerulite: *licking knife* ...and tugs it right off...
so that she'd stop too.
Firia: What is it Mike?
Michael (whispering): Gourrigan has the ring.
Firia (now whispering): He does? Well why don't we take it from him?
Tes: Wow, this Filia is mercenary.
Michael: No, that would draw attention. Let's see what he does with it.
The two hide in a bush somewhere while they watch Gourrigan.
Tes: I have just lost the will to even make a dirty joke over that last line.
Gourrigan: Hey Lina, come over here.
Lina: What's up Gourrigan?
Tes: *as Gourry* The sky... Some planes... me...
Auryn: At least you still have the will to make dirty Gourry jokes.
Tes: I don't think death itself could tear me away from those.
Gourrigan holds up the ring.
Gourrigan: Well, I was bringing this crate here when--
Cerulite: *as Gourry* A horde of angry Slayers fans stormed the island looking for some awful SI author. Know where he went?
Lina's eyes widen at the sight of the ring. She snatches it from Gourrigan, and gives him a kiss.
Lina (crying): Oh yes Gourrigan, I will! I will marry you!
Gourrigan: Did I ask you that?
Lina: Of course you did silly. Now let's go make the arrangements. *giggle*
Jewel: And why is Lina still acting like a tittering schoolgirl?
CD: *queasy* First the makeover thing, now this...
Michael and Firia look at each other.
Michael: You know what I'm thinking right?
Firia: Do we have to? They're our friends.
Auryn: He has friends?
Tes: He has that body-snatcher imposter Filia.
Michael: I know that. But they know too much. You know what will happen if the Queen finds out.
Firia: All right. Is the coast clear?
Michael: No one around but those two.
Firia pulls out her mace, and Michael sets his staff for 'Beat Down' mode.
Jewel: This is not the Filia we know and love. This is ghetto Filia.
Cerulite: Ghetto crack whore Filia.
Michael: Okay, on the count of 3....3!
Gourrigan, Lina: Huh?
We see the Michael and Firia lunging at Gourrigan and Lina from Lina's perspective, and then everything goes dark. The darkness is slowly replaced by a steady flow of light, then sounds are reintroduced.
Auryn: Please say this has suddenly turned into an episode of Evangelion? Please?
CD: *blankly* I think I've just reached a new level of Destrudo.
Michael: Damn. His head is harder than I thought. He actually managed to put a dent in my orb.
Firia: Well then why didn't you use a rock or something?
CD: *cries* This fanfic doesn't stop. The wrongness just doesn't end.
Jewel: I'd like to use a rock to bash HIS head in with.
Michael: A Red Priest does not use a common object like a rock, when he can stop his opponent with the staff.
Firia: Hey look, Lina is starting to wake up.
Cerulite: Good, maybe she'll Dragon Slave you both and end this stupid fic.
Michael: Same with Gourrigan
Lina looks around to see where they are. It looks like Michael's room.
Lina: Ow. What the hell happened?
Firia: Just relax Lina. I hit you pretty hard.
Tes: *as Lina* Oh, you did!? Dragon Slave! The end.
Michael: Because we knew you wouldn't come quietly.
Tes: *sputtering indignantly* Dammit! It just won't work!
(he redirects his attention to Gourrigan) Gourrigan?
Gourrigan: Yeah Mike?
Michael (holds up the ring): Where did you find this?
Jewel: *as Gourry* It was in a plot hole. There seem to be lots of them in this fic.
Lina: He didn't find it, he gave it to me. We're getting married.
Gourrigan: Actually Lina, I...found it...in the sand. I was just going to show it to you, not propose.
Lina: WHAT?! (tearing up) You mean you don't love me?
Gourrigan: That's not what I said. Of course I love you.
Auryn: Was... die... Holle... Shinji...?
CD: I don't think that's Lina, either. It's Dark Twin Lina, or something.
Lina: So if the ring wasn't for me, than who was it for?
Firia: I can answer that.
Tes: No, please don't.
Firia slips on the ring, which fits perfectly.
Lina: You mean...you two...got gulp married?
Lina: You're kidding!
All: We wish.
How did that happen?
Michael: Well, it went down like this...
Michael pushes a button on his staff and the environment around them began to ripple.
Cerulite: *licking knife* Oh, look... Farm fresh plot device.
Jewel: *twitching* Oh, lookie, his staff can do the Lunar Mind Meld.
Michael: Flashback button. Man, I love this staff.
Tes: Glad to know SOMEone's getting off on this crap.
We see the Red Priest on a transformed Firia's back. Both are stoned out from funky fruit, and are laughing like hyenas.
Michael: Hey, can you dragons swim?
Firia: I don't know. Ya wanna find out?
Firia plunges down into the ocean, but does not resurface.
CD: *cries* I'm so glad! It's over! It's finally over! Let's go! Hurry, before they come back!
Tes: *sadly, pats CD's back* I don't think it's that easy, CD.
Lina: That was smart.
Michael: We washed up on a shoreline near Bluefox's mall about an hour later.
More rippling effects.
Auryn: This is beginning to make ME nauseous.
We see Bluefox walking down the beach in tropical clothing, with a CD player in his hand.
CD: *crying* Oh, Gods... they've defiled ME now, too! *wailing*
Bluefox: Oh yeah, we're jamming. The whole world's jamming with you. We're jamming, oh yeah, and I hope you like jamming too.
He stops when he sees Michael and Firia.
Bluefox: Oh good. Customers.
He douses both of them with cold water, which wakes them up.
Jewel: Even though they're both already soaking wet from swimming in the ocean.
Bluefox: Hello and welcome to my mall. What can I do for you?
Michael (slurring): Whoa, a blue fox. Is this some kinda marriage? (in case you are wondering, he meant to say mirage)
Bluefox: Marriage? You mean you want to get married? Oh that's sweet. Come with me you two lovebirds, I can get you two hitched in no time.
Cerulite: *licking knife* I hate this fox-guy already.
More rippling effects.
Michael: Because of my temporary speech impediment, we ended up a married couple.
CD: *sugary false happiness* You know, we can pretend this is a GOOD Slayers fanfic! Like Slayers Always, or Slayers Reprise, or Slayers Inverse! *shaking* We can! That's it! That's what we'll do!
Of course, we didn't know about it until the next day. But it didn't bother us, because we enjoyed each other's company. We also found out that I had paid for a ring with the Queen's charge card.
Tes: I still say she deserved that.
When I explained this to Bluefox, he started helping us pick out items that would equal up to the cost of the ring. After all, he didn't want the Queen getting on his case either. The food and electronics were free, the ring wasn't.
Jewel: Ohhh, look. Another stunning plot twist.
We had hoped that no one would find out about this, but Gourrigan found Firia's ring, and that could mean trouble. Lina, if it's not too much to ask, PLEASE don't tell anyone.
Cerulite: Like no one's going to notice their sugary sweetness?
Auryn: Fanfic, why? What'd we ever do to you?
Lina: What about Gourrigan?
Gourrigan: Yeah, what about me?
Michael: We don't need to worry about you. We know you'll forget the minute you walk out the door, especially after I do this.
Michael bonks Gourrigan on the head again with his staff, and he passes out again.
Tes: I'm really beginning to hate this guy. More than I already do.
Michael: Aw dammit. I put another dent in the orb. Lina, when he wakes up, tell him a coconut fell on him. And PLEASE don't tell a soul about this.
Jewel: Otherwise, some very angry Xellia friends of CDs will come and murder the SI author. Or is that a good reason TO tell people?
She looks at Firia, who has a look of despair on her face.
CD: I'd have that look on my face too if I got stoned and married to some loser like that.
She really loves this guy. To hurt him would be to hurt her, which is something Lina cannot bear to do.
CD: *twitch**twitch**twee-yatch* You know, if we pretend this is Slayers Always, we can pretend Wolfpack-kun is here and he could be all yaoi and he could kill all these losers and.... yeah... *twitch*
Auryn: That sounds sooooo good right about now. Well, the killing part, anyway.
Lina: All right.
Firia: Thank you Lina.
Tes: *as Filia* ...for nothing!
Lina starts to walk out of the hut, then stops at the door.
Lina: Oh guys I almost forgot. The Queen said she's having a small party on the island, so find something fun to wear.
Cerulite: I don't wanna know what he considers "fun".
The "small party" covered 10 acres of ground, minus the stage, which was empty. Anime characters as far as the eye could see, not to mention the Queen's armada of guest writers.
Auryn: Prepare for excessive, overblown anime crossover and gratuitous SI! I think I feel that migraine coming back...
Michael: Hey Queen! I thought you said this party was small?
Jewel: It IS small, compared to your egos.
The Queen is wearing nothing but a one-piece swimsuit with a shirt over it.
Auryn: We did NOT need that visual, thanks.
Queen of Swords: It is! I didn't ask the Gundam cast over this time.
Jewel: ONNA! BAKA NO ONNA! KISAMAAAA! *stands up* Nemesis... Assmaster... Declaration!
CD: Dude, Jewel just declared QOS an assmaster. *grins* Sweet!
Michael: Oh. That's a nice looking stage. Is anyone performing?
Tes: *flexing fingers* I'd like to perform a castration on him right about now...
Queen of Swords: No. The band had to cancel.
Michael: Now that's a shame. Say, what if I could get Marley over for a night?
Xellos: Could you do that?
Cerulite: Isn't Bob Marley kinda, y'know, DEAD?
Tes: Through the power of SI, he can even bring the dead back to life!
CD: What is QOS's obsession with drug humor? Between this and funky fruit, geez...
Auryn: Where's Cheech and Chong?
Xellos has his hair in dreadlocks again, and is wearing khakis and nothing else.
Queen of Swords: Oh c'mon Xellos. You of all people should know that Marley is dead.
Jewel: Just like all the rest of us. Unfortunately, this godsawful idiot has other plans.
Michael: True. But things can change. Can I see your cell phone?
Queen of Swords: Sure.
The Queen hands him the phone. He dials.
CD: Okay, I have to ask. Who's worse, this guy, or that hermaphroditic Sayan SI guy, Oscar, from Artemis's Lover?
Michael: Hey Goku, how's it going?
Tes: This guy. This guy wins.
CD: I had to bring up the monkey people, didn't I?
Have you found any dragonballs lately? Really? All seven? Cool. You wouldn't mind bringing those to me would you? I wanna make a wish. You will? Thanks a bundle man.
Goku teleports right in front of him.
All: Boooo! Hissssss! Boooo!
Goku: Here you go Mike, all seven dragonballs.
Michael: Thanks man, I really appreciate it. You know, you're welcome to stay if you want.
Jewel: *as Goku* No thanks, man. I hate you SI types.
Goku: Thanks Mike, but I must decline. Chi-Chi doesn't know I left the house.
CD: *brightens* ChiChi's in this?! Cool! She's gonna bitch slap QOS and tell her to lay offa her bitch!
Cerulite: *whispers* Not THAT ChiChi, the one from DBZ.
CD: *droop* Oh.
I gotta get back before she comes a'looking.
Michael: Oh, okay. See you Goku.
Michael shows Xellos one of the dragonballs.
Auryn: *as Micheal, imitating Freeza* Holding these balls gives me such a feeling of joy! I want to caress these balls...
Tes: *singing* He's got big balls, she's got big balls, but *others join in* we've got the biggest... balls of them all!
Michael: This is how we get Marley.
Xellos: From these balls? snicker You're kidding right?
Michael: Just wait and see.
Michael runs to the stage and sets the balls into proper arrangement.
Tes: *singing* These balls are always bouncing, to the left and to the right... It's my belief that my big balls should be held every night....
Michael: Shenron! Come forth and grant me my wish!
The balls suddenly begin to glow, and a massive dragon comes forth from them.
Jewel: Oh, look. The amazing SI author just showed Xellos up again.
Cerulite: What is his problem with trying to prove he's better than Xellos constantly? He must have Mazoku penis envy or something. *licks knife*
Lina panics at the sight and tries to Dragon Slave it, but the Queen stops her from finishing the spell.
Shenron: WHAT DO YOU WISH, MORTAL?
Auryn: For you to freakin' stop screaming at us and end this godsawful excuse for a fanfic!
CD: At least it's not been that bad lately. *nervous smile*
Auryn: And now that you've said that, we're doomed.
Michael: I wish that Bob Marley can return and play his music for tonight. Hell, while I'm at it, add the Grateful Dead too.
Tes: Showoff. Godsdamned bootlicking QOS toadie SHOWOFF.
Jewel: *as Micheal* Hey, this is Barry Garcia, Jerry Garcia's cousin! I've been ripped off!
Cerulite: Ahhh, the magic of SI.
Shenron: VERY WELL, YOUR WISH WILL BE GRANTED.
Michael: Before you go, do you want a beer or something?
Shenron: UM, OKAY.
Auryn: *as Shenron* Whatever.
Michael hands him a Dos Equis.
CD: Ohhh, party down.
Cerulite: Okay, so he just summoned up the Eternal Dragon of Chinese mythology, got it to summon up this stupid party's entertainment, then offered to get it DRUNK!? ARRRRGH! *grasps head before taking knife and gutting the empty chair beside him*
The dragon disappears, and the dragonballs scatter. In its place, Bob Marley is at center stage, while Jerry Garcia
Jewel: ...Barry Garcia...
and his group warm up in back.
Queen of Swords: Why didn't I think of that sooner?
Tes: Because you're not THAT bad of an SI writer... yet?
CD: Oh, you'd be surprised.
Xellos: Because you're an Independent.
Queen of Swords (glaring): Don't bring up politics now Monster-Boy, otherwise you'll be spending your time doing a yaoi with Zelgadis.
Cerulite: *chuckles**licks knife* Actually, from what I'm to understand, the yaoi community hates QOS with a passion...
Jewel: ...I'm not even asking how you know that...
Zelgadis: NO!!! Please Queen, anything but that!
Queen of Swords: Oh, I'm sorry Zel. I forgot about you.
Auryn: As this fic has tended to do for everyone EXCEPT those two Godsawful SI authors.
Michael and Firia decide to leave behind the quarreling Queen and Xellos and start looking for the other cast members.
Tes: ...to disgust with their cutesy, Love Ribboned couple-ness.
Firia: Hey look, there's Rezo.
CD: *as Filia* Oh, look, Micheal, maybe you can show off by beating him up some more?
Rezo is also wearing khakis, but he also has a red shirt and a straw hat to go with it. He is talking to a scruffy looking guy
Auryn: *hopeful* Kaji!?
Jewel: C'mon, Auryn, do you REALLY want them to go for the Eva references?
Auryn: *sigh* Guess not... No, I'd rather keep them from defiling Eva.
with a circlet on his head.
Michael: Hey Rezo.
Rezo: Hello Mike. I'd like you to meet Karla.
Michael: Hello Karla. It's a pleasure to meet you.
The man speaks, but with a girl's voice.
Cerulite: Oscar, the hermaphroditic Sayin makes an appearance!
Karla: The pleasure is all mine.
Michael bends over and whispers into Rezo's ear.
CD: *as Micheal* Hey, Rezo, if I can distract Filia long enough by letting Xellos grope her, what say we go and occupy a conveniently placed clump of bushes?
Jewel: You are going to end up very, very sorry for trying to Xelliafy this...
Michael (whispering): Don't look now Rezo, but you girlfriend here is a guy.
Michael: The voice is Karla, but Karla is the circlet this guy is wearing. She needs to merge with a host to use her powers.
Rezo: You're kidding right?
Tes: Of course not! He's the SI author! He knows all!
Michael: I'm serious. Hasn't the Queen explained Lodoss War to you yet?
Rezo: Well, not exactly.
Auryn: *rubbing temples* And I hope she doesn't intend to start now...
Michael (grinning): Well, I gotta split Rezo. snicker Have fun with your girlfriend.
Cerulite: *as Rezo* Blow me, imposter.
A couple of yards over, we see Lina talking to Ai.
CD: Wow, I'm impressed with how many stupid anime crossovers the SI author is able to fit in this party. He has such limitless knowledge of random anime characters.
Jewel: Too bad he seems to know nothing about any of these characters.
Lina: No way! You're a video?
Ai: Yep. I'll be fine as long as Youta keeps his VCR running. So who's accompanying you at this party?
Lina: The Blonde one.
She points to a drunk Gourrigan. He's wearing a Metallica shirt and using the Sword of Light as a skewer to roast a pig.
Tes: Ohhhhh, yeah. Gourry booty for all!
Lina: Hey Gourrigan you lummox! Come over here!
Gourrigan staggers over to Lina. He smells like a dog.
Tes: *flatly* My, that was random.
Gourrigan: Yeah Lina?
Lina: Gourrigan, I'd like you to meet Ai-chan.
Gourrigan: Wow, you're pretty.
Ai: Gee, thanks.
CD: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's a clashing of cardboard personalities.
Gourrigan: But your tits are smaller than Lina's.
Ai: WHAT?? YOU PERVERT!!!
Ai-chan decks Gourrigan in the jaw, sending him flying. He lands on Xellos.
Auryn: More random Xellos bashing.
Cerulite: Anyone else get the feeling Micheal really DOES have something against Xellos? I still say it's penis envy.
Lina: Wow, great distance with that left hook Ai-chan. I couldn't have done it better myself.
Lina: If you'll excuse me, I'll go help my date get up now.
Lina runs over to Gourrigan and pulls him off a frustrated Xellos.
Xellos: What the *#$%&^! was that all about?
Jewel: *as Xellos* And when the @#$& did my lines get switched with Valgaav's?!
Lina: Gourrigan got on the video girl's bad side.
Queen of Swords: Really? That was smart Gourrigan.
Meanwhile, out in the center of the party, Naga is trying to teach Sylphiel and Amelia to pick up guys.
CD: Oh, look. The SI author is about to invent a new sport by combining Amelia bashing with Naga AND Sylphiel bashing. Amazing.
Naga decides to wear what she normally does, and Amelia and Sylphiel are wearing bikini tops with shorts. Chibi-Chibi Gourrigan is sitting on Sylphiel's shoulder.
Tes: Well, that's not gonna help her pick up anything but yaoi boys.
Sylphiel: I don't wanna do this. Gourrigan is the only person for me.
Amelia: Neither do I. I will love only Zelgadis and no other.
Naga: OH HO HO! C'mon you two, be serious! Gourrigan and Lina are together already, and Zelgadis will probably die before he goes out with you Amelia.
Auryn: *as Nagha* Because everyone hates you, Amelia! At least in this fic! OH HOHOHOHO!
So lighten up!
Slyphiel, Amelia: WAHHH!!!
Naga: Knock it off you two, you're making fools out of yourselves. Now just relax and do what I do.
Naga does a sexy strut over to Tasuki,
Jewel & CD: TASUKIIIII!!!!
CD: Tasuki shall avenge all and make everything right!
Jewel: Tasuki doesn't even LIKE women. What the hell is Nagha trying to prove?
and tries to give her obnoxiously large breasts just a bit more bounce. She stares into Tasuki's eyes and smirks.
Naga: Hey there handsome, ya wanna dance?
Tasuki: Um, sure.
Jewel: Yes, that is definitely a Tasuki line. What the FRAG!?
CD: *Miaka-like wailing* Now he's defiled Tasuki, too!? NOOOO!
Naga: All right. (glares angrily at him) Hey fang-boy, my eyes are up here.
Tasuki: Oh, yeah.
Naga: Now, how about that dance?
Tasuki: Um, right.
CD: I refuse to believe that was the Tasuki we all know and love.
Cerulite: Tasuki doesn't even LIKE women. He hates them, as a matter of fact...
Auryn: Ceri, please don't yaoi out on us now... I know you're not that way...
The two disappear into the crowd of people.
Slyphiel: She doesn't expect us to do that does she?
Amelia: I'm afraid so. But you know what? She's right! This is a party, and we're two very attractive, single girls. If the guys in our lives have yet to care for us, then screw them, 'cuz they don't know what they're missing.
Tes: Yes, that was so very Amelia. I can just see her saying "Screw you, Zelgadis! I don't need you!"
Now I don't know about you Sylphiel, but I'm gonna go out there, and get me a man!
Amelia adjusts her top, and tries to walk like Naga as best she can. She trips over a can of beer, and lands face first in the sand.
Jewel: *points blandly* Oh, look. More Amelia bashing.
She gets up and starts crying again.
Amelia: WAHHH!!! I want Zelgadis.
Sylphiel: Oh Gods. Well little Gourrigan, I guess its just you and--huh?
Chibi-Chibi Gourrigan is gone.
Tes: The koot li'l guy realized how much this fic sucked and what losers the rest of these guys were and decided to split.
Cerulite: A wise decision.
Sylphiel: Little Gourrigan? Where are you?
She spots him devouring the pig that Gourrigan was roasting.
Sylphiel: Like father, like miniaturized SD clone.
We change scenes back to where the Queen is. Lina is icing down Gourrigan's swollen jaw, explaining to him that he deserved it, and Xellos is nearby chugging three beers at once.
CD: *grumbling* Everyone knows Xellos is too cultured to drink beer. Damned SI moron...
Jewel: He's gonna have to drink a lot more than three before he'll be able to sleep with QOS.
Others: Ohhhhh, ouch.
Bluefox walks up to the Queen, who was staring at something.
Bluefox: Hi Queen.
Queen of Swords: Hi Bluefox. It's good to see that you came.
Tes: *starts snickering, but stops* Oh, to hell with it. I don't even care to make one THAT obvious.
Bluefox: I locked up early and claimed that today was a holiday.
The Queen's eyes were still fixed on the same thing.
Bluefox: Um, Queen? May I ask what are you looking at?
Auryn: Xellos' ass, probably.
CD: He HAS one?
Queen of Swords: I'm looking at Michael.
Jewel: *as QOS* I've suddenly decided that I want to sleep with him, too! He's such a wonderful SI author!
Bluefox: Michael? Boy he's a nice guy. Don't you think so?
The Queen looks at Bluefox sourly.
Bluefox: You mean you don't like him?
Queen of Swords: It's not that really. I like his work, and I like his skills.
Auryn: WHAT skills?
I'm sure he's a really nice guy, but he's so independent.
Bluefox: What do you mean?
Queen of Swords: He's had this job on the island for over a week. During that time, he's given the girls all the luxuries of a health club, and has allowed means of enjoyment on the island, thanks to you.
CD: *angrily**as QOS* And took the most chaste character on the island and turned her into a Britney Spears wannabe tramp. And then married her. Not to mention all the Xellos bashing.
The cast was supposed to endure their problems on their own. They were not supposed to be helped.
Bluefox: It's about time someone did it.
Queen of Swords: What?
Bluefox: I myself thought that you were going a bit harsh on them.
Tes: The SI author is always right.
I was planning to stay on the island forever, but someone let loose the IRS on me. You wouldn't have had something to do with that, hm?
The Queen freezes. She is silent for a moment.
Auryn: Was die Holle does she have to fear from HIM!? They're all sucking up to her here!
Queen of Swords: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Queen of Swords: You know what else I've noticed?
Bluefox: What's that?
Cerulite: That this fic sucks and you all need to die miserable, bloody deaths?
Queen of Swords: Ever since he got this job, I've always seen him around Firia.
Bluefox stiffens up and takes a quick sip from his drink.
Tes: *as Bluefox* That's the problem with those Love Ribbons.
Queen of Swords: And since he returned from your place, they've been even closer. They almost act as if they're married.
All: Badda BING!
Gourrigan: They are.
Lina: Gourrigan you fool, shut up!
Queen of Swords: What?!
Jewel: *as QOS* But I wanted the other SI author!
The Queen pounces on Gourrigan, cocking her fist to slug him. Bluefox makes a mad dash back to his boat.
Queen of Swords: What are you talking about? Talk Gourrigan, or I'll make both sides of your face match.
CD: *blandly* She really is just a violent bitch, isn't she?
Gourrigan: Okay! I'll talk! Bluefox wedded Mike and Firia at his mall! He tried covering up the expenses by giving us a crap load of junk!
Lina: You were supposed to forget all that dunder-head!
Auryn: Heeeey, I remember this plot twist! This is Convenient Plot Twist #48 ~ Gourry is actually a genius in a disguise!
Gourrigan: I was?
Queen of Swords: Bluefox!!! Where are you?
Dathon: I saw him running back to his boat.
Auryn: ACK! Random SI author! *rubs temples* Head... hurt...
Queen of Swords: Damn. Well, if I can't vent my rage on him, I guess it will have to be vented on Mike.
The Queen walks off.
All: KILL THE PRIEST! DRINK HIS BLOOD!
Xellos: You mean my precious dragon maiden married the boy blunder in red?
CD: I wish this damned fic would make up its mind if it's Xellia-shippy or not.
Tes: No, no, CD, I think he's only showing interest in Filia because it makes it that much more impressive that Micheal married her.
CD: *sobbing* This fic has completely invalidated my existence.
They nod. Xellos faints in response.
Jewel: *jumping up* What the hell does he CARE!?! He's banging QOS! He doesn't give THAT much of a damn! *CD's wailing reaches new heights, the likes of which were undreamt of by even Usagi, Miaka, OR Mihoshi*
The Queen walks up to the table where Rezo and Karla are sitting.
Queen of Swords: Hey, Rezo. Sorry, Wood, but I need to borrow Karla for a minute.
All, minus CD, who is still wailing: Oh, crap.
The Queen grabs the crown and yanks it off Wood's head, and places it on her own.
Rezo: Hey wait a second Queen! We were having a very stimulating conversation about the finer points of mass of destruction.
Queen of Swords: Why converse about, when you can see it first hand?
Auryn: Blah, blah, blah. Is this OVER yet?
Jewel: This fanfic has destroyed my soul. There is no justice here. None.
Lina: Shit. This isn't good at all.
Jewel: There he goes with that fecal fascination again.
Part 3: Queen's Revenge
by Michael the Red Priest
Tes: What the Hell!?! The last part was part 3! Don't tell me he's squeezing a chapter in on us!?
Well, the secret is out. The Queen of Swords now knows what Firia and Michael the Red Priest were up to during their leave of absence.
Cerulite: Unfortunately, so do the rest of us.
CD: *has stopped wailing long enough to go dry heave in the corner*
She has now merged with Karla and has gone off to "rectify" the problem.
Auryn: And I, for one, hope she rectifies die Holle outta him!
That is of course, if she can find the two in the crowd of Manga characters.
Jewel: Oh, just manga? No anime this time? The hell.
QoS/Karla: This is what I get for inviting so many people.
Lina is trying her best to keep an eye on the Queen's movements.
Lina: She's REAL close to finding them.
All but CD: GOOD. *CD stops heaving and returns to her seat as she hears that there's about to be a beat down*
Xellos: I can't believe Firia married Michael. What does he got that I don't?
Lina: Good looks.
Rezo: A superb taste in clothes.
Gourrigan: A caring personality.
Zelgadis: And the fact that he's not a certain Mazoku that nearly annihilated her race.
Cerulite: Prostrate enhancement spell.
Auryn: Seduction spell.
Jewel: Love Ribbon.
Tes: He's a godsdamned SI author, what else?
CD: *still nauseous* FEEL the power of SI.
Xellos: OKAY! OKAY! I see your point. sigh Well, at least I still have the Queen.
CD: *broken**falls in floor, crying* Shining rouge... Pink like peaches... *sob*
All shudder. Then Lina returns to searching for the Queen.
Lina: Um, guys. I suggest you prepare yourselves.
CD: *weakly, from the floor* *as Jesse* Prepare... -urp- Prepare for trouble...
Lina: She found them.
All, including CD: YES! KILL THEM!
Michael and Firia are standing near a palm tree, both with drinks in their hands.
Jewel: Like Filia's going to DRINK! ARGH! This fanfic is destroying my mind!
Auryn: *rocking back and forth**as Asuka* Kaji.... it's defiling my mind...
CD: *crawls up out of the floor to watch the bloodshed*
Firia is wearing the pink mid-driff again,
CD: *begins dry heaving again, gets back in the floor*
but Michael is still in his robes.
Firia: Michael, why didn't you change?
Michael: I did. It's all underneath.
Firia: Can I see?
Michael: Not until the party is over.
Tes: I never thought I'd say this, but I don't even want to think about that.
CD: Oh, dear Gods. Bring back Oscar, the hermaphroditic Sayan, ANYTHING but this! *somehow manages to dry heave AND wail at the same time*
Auryn: *rocking back and forth, holding head**as Asuka* It's invading my mind.... Oh, Gott.... Help me, Kaji...
Firia (blushing): Oh. Hey, isn't that the Queen?
Michael looks over to see the what looks like an irate Queen walking toward them. He notices that she's wearing Karla.
Michael: Well hello Karla. I see you found a more suitable body than Wood. Care to join us in a drink?
Jewel: *as QOS* Blow me, SI-boy.
Karla decks Michael in the jaw, knocking him over.
Michael: What the hell was that for?
CD: *manages to jump up from the floor of the theater* BECAUSE YOU F*CKING SUCK, SI-BOY!
Others: *stare* whoa.
CD: *pant**pant**pant**falls back into chair* Please... make the hurting stop....
Karla: The Queen knows your dark secret, and she's not pleased with it one bit. I'm here to "resolve the matter".
Michael: Oh shit.
Auryn: That's ri-i-i-i-i-ight! *cackles madly*
Karla: You have two choices: Surrender and suffer the severe consequences, or refuse and die in a senseless attempt to save yourself.
CD, Jewel, and Cerulite: *chanting* Die! Die! Refuse and die!
Michael (grinning): I think I'll take my chances with you Karla.
Tes: *rubbing temples* You do realize that he's not going to let himself be beaten by her, right? *CD, Cerulite, and Jewel stop chanting, CD begins wailing again*
Karla: If this is what you wish, then so be it. FIREBALL!
She fires it point-blank at Michael, who takes the full brunt of it, sending him flying into Xellos.
Auryn: Even when getting his own ass kicked, he still has to find a way to bash Xellos. Gehin Wir, Micheal.
Xellos: Why the %*^@! am I always the one who has something fall on him?
CD: *stops wailing long enough to calmly explain* Because the author is jealous of you and wants to show you up every chance he can get. *resumes wailing*
Lina and the others begin helping up Xellos, then Zelgadis looks over to Michael.
Zelgadis: Shit! Lina, Mike's not breathing!
All: *standing ovation* YES!
Tes: And this is a bad thing becauuuuuse?
Auryn: Crap, Tes, you know he can't be dead; he's still writing the fic.
Firia recovers from her temporary shock and goes ballistic. She changes into her dragon form and hits Karla with her tail,
CD: Damn, who do I root for!? *grabs head* Badly OOC Filia, QOS, badly OOC Filia, QOS... ARGH!
Cerulite: *pats her back* Sometimes, there are no right answers.
sending her off deep into the jungle. She then rushes over to Michael.
Firia: Mike, speak to me!
Jewel: Just remember, kids, we couldn't get that lucky.
Firia: Lina, do something!
CD: *as Lina, imitating Washu* Alright! *brings out little fans and cheers* Give us a D! Give us an I! Give us an E! DIE! DIE! DI-I-I-I-IE, Micheal!
Lina: Alright. Gourrigan, try to keep the party going,
the last thing we need right now is mass hysteria. I'll try and heal Mike. Rezo and Xellos, take point and keep an eye out for the Queen. Zelgadis, go find the others, we could use their help.
Gourrigan: Um, Lina?
Cerulite: *as Gourry* Is Xellos really supposed to be stabbing Micheal's lifeless body like that?
Gourrigan: How should I keep the party going?
Lina: I don't know! Streak for all I care!
Tes: *cheers* YES! Gourry booty!
Gourrigan takes off all his garments and runs through the crowd of people and succeeds in distracting everyone from the events that occurred.
Tes: *wiping a tear away from her eyes* Well, at least SOMETHING good came of this fic.
Auryn: Oh, sure. At least you get to keep your sanity.
Lina rolls her eyes, and starts to perform a healing spell. To her surprise, it doesn't take that long.
CD: *crying, grasping head in pain* It just doesn't end!
Michael coughs up some blood, and starts to breathe again.
Firia: Thank L-Sama, you're alive!
She kisses him, then slaps him across the face.
Cerulite: *points* Oh, look. Romantic tension.
Others: *blandly* Yay.
Firia: What the hell were you thinking, taking a fireball like that?
Jewel: *as Filia* What the hell were you thinking, writing this fanfic!? Like I'm going to marry someone I've known for less than 24 hours!
You could've gotten yourself killed! Why didn't you dodge it?
Michael (in a weak voice): Because if I did, others would be hurt.
Tes: Oh, this from the man who was shooting blind priests with photon cannons just three short chapters ago.
CD: *weakly* They're not THAT short.
Lina: That was brave, but pretty stupid. I am however, impressed at such little damage was inflicted on you from a spell that would roast normal people. How did you manage that?
All: He's an SI author!
Michael: That's a trade secret of mine.
Auryn: *as Micheal* It's called SI!
Xellos: Here she comes again!
Tes: No, I'm not even going for that one. I think it'd make ME sick this time. *CD gets the hint, clutches her stomach anyway*
Karla is indeed back, and she doesn't waste time in continuing what she started. She lets out a flare arrow, which all dodge easily.
Michael: So she wants to play that way does she? (grinning again) I'm game.
Michael throws off his robes to reveal what's underneath.
Cerulite: *covers eyes* Eeek! NO!
He's wearing a red body suit, complete with top-of-the-line Saiyan armor.
CD: Just like Oscar.
The armor in the front of his chest is slightly burnt, and there are a few cracks where contact was made.
Michael: Aw shit, she messed it up. I spent three hours playing against Vegeta in DBZ Legends to get this armor.
Tes: Have I mentioned yet how much I hate Monkey people?
Auryn: Especially when they have Love Ribbons.
Ooo, she'll pay for this.
Lina: Why the hell are you wearing that anyway?
Michael: You know the rules, Lina.
Lina: Oh yeah. I forgot. Nothing bad like this has happened since Dick Clark was here.
Cerulite: Well, look at it this way. Either way, we get to watch at least one of them get pummeled.
Jewel: Yes, but he's too much of a suckass to actually KILL her, so that point's moot.
Cerulite: Damn, you're right.
Michael: Right. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a sorceress to combat.
Michael levitates himself up into the air, and stands poised for combat. Zelgadis comes back with the rest of the group.
Lina: He doesn't have a chance against her. We've got to help.
All: NO, NO you don't!
Xellos: Speak for yourself Lina. I refuse to help you hurt the Queen.
CD: Not that I care much for his sentiment, but at least that's less help for the SI slime.
Lina: What about the rest of you?
All but Xellos: We're in.
Auryn: *as All but Xellos* You can BOTH go to hell.
Up in the sky, both wait for the other to strike. Karla has a powerful aura around her which continues to grow.
Karla: DIL BRANDO!
Michael dodges this time, but the brando hits the stage, blowing it to pieces.
Xellos: Oh my Gods, she killed Marley...again!
All: Hah. Hah.
Everyone on the ground panics and start running toward the ocean or the jungle. Now the battle field is clear. Lina and the group hide behind an overturned buffet table.
Lina: Gourrigan, put some clothes on and get ready to strike on my mark.
Tes: Nooo, that's fine! He can stay just the way he is! It at least makes this fic HALFWAY bearable.
Just then a flash of light illuminates the sky, and Michael runs by and grabs Firia by the arm.
Jewel: ...to use as a human shield...
CD: *darkly* Dare to dream.
Lina: Hey! Where are you going?
Michael: I'm running away from Karla, which is what I suggest you guys do too.
Auryn: Ohhh, he smurt.
She looks at the Queen, whose eyes are now glowing with an evil light, shooting a volley of fireballs in their direction.
Cerulite: *screaming at screen* Good! Kill them! End our suffering!
All start to run away from the Queen while the explosions go off all around them. About an hour later, all have regrouped at Martina and Zangulus' hut, and begin to plan.
Tes: Oh, look. It's time for more Martina/Zangulus dirty jokes.
Gourrigan: Why are we hiding in here?
Lina: Because this is the last place she'd look, especially after I do this.
Lina pulls out a tape recorder. She pushes the play button, and the sounds of Martina and Zangulus in bed start playing.
Tes: This is too much.
Cerulite: *runs over to CD's corner and deposits the soup he'd eaten into CD's pile of vomit*
CD: *dry heaving*
Jewel: *rocking back and forth* Make it stop! Make it stop!
Auryn: *turning pale* Martina/Zangulus... dirty joke... Number.... forty.... *runs over to CD's corner, shoves Cerulite out of the way, and begins depositing her Pocky into the pile, as well*
Zelgadis: That's sick. Where did you find that?
Lina: In Xellos' trunk.
CD: *sobbing* I am NOT thinking about that... I am NOT thinking about that...
For once that plot hole has been put to good use, that is, if you really consider this "good".
Tes: *shudder* No, Lina, there is nothing good about this.
Amelia (trying to change the subject): So what do we plan to do?
Cerulite: *finishes vomiting and comes back to his seat as Auryn does the same**brightly* Fall on your own swords and kill yourselves?
Auryn: *weakly* We couldn't get that lucky.
Lina: What we normally do: You guys put up a good fight, you get your butts kicked, and I do the Giga Slave and make the world a safe place again.
CD: *as Lina* Do the Giga Slave, destroy the world, end this stupid fic. Yeah, let's go!
Michael: We can't Giga Slave her.
All: YES, you can!
Lina: Why not?
Michael: If we kill Karla, we'll kill the Queen as well.
Tes: And the down side of this would be... what?
Besides, the Giga Slave is an overkill move in this case.
Jewel: *as Lina* Blow me, SI-boy. "Darkness beyond blackest pitch..."
Lina: So, what can we do then?
Michael: Karla cannot function on her own. She needs a host. All we have to do is separate Karla from the Queen, and she'll go look for a host back in Lodoss.
Cerulite: Ohhh, SI author is so smurt. I wish I was smurt like him.
The problem is getting close enough to her to remove the crown.
Zelgadis: Why don't we use Michael's barrier to get close enough and just pull it off?
Auryn: *as Zelgadis* Why don't we just use Micheal as a human shield to get close enough?
Michael: Won't work. I dropped my staff somewhere out at the party, and there's no way I'm going out alone without backup.
Rezo: It may be best if we just attack her from different angles. One of us is bound to reach Karla.
Zelgadis: That's suicide!
All: THAT'S THE POINT!
I'm not going to get myself killed trying a stunt like that. Isn't there anything else we can do?
CD: NO, just do that and get yourselves killed. It's shorter that way.
Lina: Hmm....What if we combine the two plans together? You know, attack from different sides, but have barriers up still.
Michael: That's good. But we still need a protective barrier.
Firia: Michael dear,
are you dense or something?
Have you forgotten that Sylphiel can project some of the best protection barriers around?
Michael: Oh yeah, I forgot about that.
Lina: Then it's settled. We'll have two groups. One will be the distraction. While Karla messes with that group, the other will come from behind and get Karla off the Queen.
Auryn: *flatly* Gee, let's see if we can guess who the distraction will be.
Tes: Too bad it won't be Micheal.
Alrighty then people, let's move out.
The group leaves the hut, and heads back to where the party was. A couple of minutes later, all are hiding behind the table again.
Michael: I don't see her.
Rezo: She could be anywhere. We need her to come out onto the field.
CD: *bitterly* Just throw a plushie Xellos out there, that seems to work just fine.
Lina: But how?
Michael: What we need is a person to lure her back here. The person must be a character that can provide comic relief, and doesn't really matter to us if they get blasted. Any suggestions?
Jewel: If this story were any MORE predictable...
Zelgadis (grinning): I'll give you two.
All look at Naga and Amelia. The two realize what is about to happen, and try to run, but are seized by the by group and thrown out in the open.
CD: I hate Amelia bashers.
Cerulite: *licking knife* I just hate this fic.
Amelia: Zelgadis my love, sniffle this is how you treat me?
Zelgadis: What can I say, I have a heart of stone.
Lina: That was a really lame pun.
Naga: OH HO HO! I'm Naga the White Serpent! I don't have to do such things! I'm outta here!
Naga begins to walk away, but stops when Michael shoots a freeze arrow just short of her feet.
Tes: I hate him even WORSE now.
Michael: You will as long as I'm writing.
Auryn: FEEL the power of SI!
Now you and Amelia start looking for Karla.
The two scouts
Jewel: Of love and justice...
run into the foliage to search for Karla. Minutes pass. All is quiet. Too quiet.
Gourrigan: It's too quiet.
Michael looks up from his laptop.
Michael: I JUST SAID THAT YOU NITWIT!
CD: I so hate him. When this is over, remind me to write a snuff fic with him in it.
Gourrigan: Gee, I'm sorry. But I get so nervous when it's like this.
Michael: Oh good grief. Rezo, do me a favor and rattle your staff or something.
Rezo begins to rattle his staff, but the sound is covered by an ear-splitting explosion.
Cerulite: The sound of Washu coming to smite all the non-believers., thus ending the fic and our torment. No? Damn.
All look up to see smoke rising from the jungle, followed by a couple of beams shooting out of the foliage. Soon they see the charred figures of Naga and Amelia running out of the bushes,
Tes: Oh, boy. More Nagha/Amelia bashing.
Others: *blandly* Yay.
followed by Karla, who is shooting what looks like "ki" blasts at them.
Jewel: Ohhh, more DBZ. Yay.
Michael: Here they come! Get ready!
Amelia: huff! I can't believe this! pant I get only two lines in this bit, puff! and then I get blasted by--AHHH!!
Another explosion goes off, and we see Naga and Amelia blasted over the table.
CD: Oh, that was so satisfying. I guess that's what she gets for disappointing all those fangirls who thought Zelgadis was THEIR boyfriend.
The red priests, Sylphiel, and Zelgadis run toward the Queen.
Auryn: And to their deaths. Can we go now?
The priests and chimera provoke her by firing a couple of fireballs, and get the desired response. Karla retaliates by firing a brando,
Tes: Please kill them all. *thinks* Except Gourry.
and Sylphiel brings up her protective barrier. That's Lina's cue. Her and Gourrigan hop on a transformed Firia's back and fly toward the Queen from her blind side.
Cerulite: Gee, Filia's such a useful wife to have, huh? *licks knife*
Lina: Hey! This is actually going to work!
Firia banks onto her side and starts on a path that will allow Lina to pull the crown off. Lina can only try this once.
Jewel: Hopefully, she'll miss, they'll die, and this travesty of justice will end.
Soon she finds herself right in front of the Queen. She reaches out and--
Lina: SHIT! I missed.
CD: Now kill them and end the fic!
Karla turns around and fires an Almekia lance at Firia, knocking her and her passengers out of the sky.
Auryn: Oh, sheisse, guys... *pales* He's gonna use this as an opportunity to write mush between himself and Filia.
Sylphiel drops the barrier in shock, and Karla uses this opportunity to let out another volley of fireballs, blasting the others to the floor. Michael gets up and drags an unconscious Sylphiel back behind the table,
Cerulite: Gee, isn't it nice of how he's always thinking of Filia first?
and Rezo and Zelgadis crawl back on their own. Once back behind the table, Zelgadis looks to Michael for suggestions.
Jewel: He IS the SI author, after all.
CD: *Susan Powter* Stoooooop the Insanity!
Zelgadis: Your eyes!
Michael: What about them?
Zelgadis: They're not mismatched.
Tes: *as Zelgadis* You dropped one of your contacts!
Michael looks at Rezo's orb to see what Zel is talking about. Both of his eyes are brown now.
Auryn: *blandly* Was die Holle does this have to do with anything?
Michael: Shit. My contact fell out.
Tes: *eyes tearing up* I don't believe... Oh, Gods, that's just wrong.
That explains the blurred vision. And here I was thinking I had a concussion. DAMMIT! That was our only chance at doing it the easy way. We'll have to use plan B.
Zelgadis: What's plan B?
CD: *screeching* Just throw the harpy a Xellos plushie! It always worked before!
Michael: I have no clue, but I'm thinking of it as fast as I can. (winces in pain) Damn, I think I re-injured my ribs.
Cerulite: Maybe he punctured a lung and he'll die.
Michael feels his chest, and feels something pressing against his armor. He reaches into the armor and pulls the object out. His eyes flash a sign of hope. Their problems just might be solved.
Rezo: Is that the--
Michael: Yep. The remote trigger for the photon cannon.
Tes: MY, talk about convenient plot devices.
Auryn: I will never know true happiness again.
Rezo: Well what are you waiting for man, use it!
Michael: Okay. I just hope the others can get out of the way.
Michael begins to repeatedly push the button, sending wave after wave of photon blasts. Meanwhile, Lina and a half-dazed Firia are trying to drag Gourrigan back to safety.
Jewel: Ten bucks says Gourry gets fried.
CD: Ten bucks says Gourry AND Xellos get fried.
Tes: Ten bucks says Gourry AND Xellos AND Amelia get fried.
Cerulite: I think that's a losing bet to take. You know it's going to happen.
Lina: Damn, he's heavier than I thought.
Firia: Oh no! Lina, she's spotted us!
Karla begins to charge up a fireball, but a photon blast whizzes by and nearly hits her. She stops to see where it came from, giving the girls only matter of seconds to hide behind something.
Auryn: I know! They can hide behind the SI author! He'd make a good shield!
They decide to hide behind one of the knocked over speakers. They get behind it just as more photon blasts begin to litter the field.
Lina: He's using the photon cannon? He's crazy!
Tes: No, Lina, he's the SI author, so it HAS to work.
Firia: It's probably the best he could do on such short notice.
CD: *as Filia* I'm just being written to take up for him. I love the SI author.
Karla continues to dodge the photon blasts while trying to see where they're coming from. She traces the path of one of the balls, aims, and fires a fireball in that direction.
Cerulite: Please say he's dead and we can go.
Seconds later, an explosion is heard, and smoke begins to rise in the distance.
Michael: Aw, man! She roasted the photon cannon! Well my friends, we're screwed.
Xellos: Not yet.
Auryn: Oh, look. Xellos has arrived to be convenient cannon fodder.
The guys look up to see Xellos levitating over their heads, with two staffs in his hands.
Michael: My staff! You found it.
Tes: *as Xellos* Actually, I took it. I was considering bludgeoning you to death with it in your sleep tonight.
Xellos drops the staff into Michael's hands, and joins the team behind the table.
Michael: I thought you weren't gonna help us?
CD: Oh, look. SI-boy's decided on the Tylor ending: Xellos makes up with Micheal and they become best friends. How touching.
Xellos: I changed my mind when she killed my favorite Reggae artist.
All: *flatly* Again.
You should be able to walk over and take the crown now with no problem.
Michael: Hold on a sec, let me check and see how much power this thing still has.
Jewel: Please say the batteries are dead and that means they're all going to die?
Michael unscrews the orb from the top of the staff and pulls out a AA battery. He checks the charge.
Michael: Crap! There's not enough power here for the barrier to take the abuse that Karla will give it.
For any plan to still work, someone has to turn it on just before reaching her.
CD: Who here thinks he's going to send Xellos to d-- *all raise their hands* Thought so.
Xellos: What if we use Zelgadis' demon speed? I'm sure he'll get close enough.
Zelgadis: That's a good idea, but there's a problem.
Auryn: *as Zelgadis* The SI author doesn't hate me enough to send me in. You'll have to do.
Zelgadis points to his bloody ankle. Michael buries his face into his hands.
Michael: We're not going to get out of this one. It's all over. We-- huh?
Jewel: We could only hope.
Michael stops when he hears a sucking noise. He looks down at his orb and sees Chibi-Chibi Gourrigan trying to consume his orb again.
Cerulite: Well, now, that's a novel plot device!
Michael prepares to backhand him, but then gets an idea.
Michael: Zelgadis, how's your throwing arm?
Zelgadis: Good. Why?
Michael: I need your golem strength to throw my staff, but not yet. looks over to Chibi-Chibi Gourrigan Come here little guy.
Tes: *nearly in tears* This is just cruel! He's the best damned character in this mess!
Michael picks up Chibi-Chibi Gourrigan and whispers in his ear. Chibi-Chibi Gourrigan nods in agreement, and hops onto the staff. Michael reattaches the orb and hands Zel the staff
Michael: Zelgadis, I want you to throw the staff at Karla.
CD: *as Micheal* That way, you can piss her off enough so that she'll come and kill us.
Zelgadis: But what about the runt?
Michael: Don't worry, he's part of the plan. Now throw it!
Cerulite: *as Micheal* Don't worry, I'm the SI author! I know all!
Zelgadis gets up and throws the staff as hard as he can.
Zelgadis: Go little fella, be free!
CD: Fu-raiiiiii, Radybaaaaagu! FURAAAAAAIIII!
The staff zooms at Karla like an X-11, but Karla senses its approach and launches a counterattack with a fireball.
Auryn: Please destroy the staff, then the idiots, then free us from this fanfiction nightmare.
The fireball is about to reach it's target, but Chibi-Chibi Gourrigan flips the switch to the barrier on, deflecting the fireball, and allowing the staff to continue its approach. Soon it becomes impossible for Karla to dodge it, and the staff smashes into Karla, knocking her and her host to the floor.
Tes: So it just smacked QOS upside the head? Sweet!
Chibi-Chibi Gourrigan turns off the barrier and pulls off Karla while the Queen is still dazed. He then chucks Karla into the air, and she flies off.
Cerulite: *as Chibi-Chibi Gourry* Later, bi-yotch.
Zelgadis: We did it!
Many cheers come from those who are still conscious. Then Martina and Zangulus come out of the jungle, both shriveled up like prunes.
Auryn: Oh, Gott... not again... This is what, #43?
Martina: Whose idea was it for us to make out in the hot springs?
Martina: It was? (looks over at our cheering heroes) Hey guys! Did we miss anything?
CD: I wish I could've missed this.
The warriors simply roll their eyes in response.
We then cut scenes to the next day, where we find Michael and Firia in the waiting room of the Queen of Swords.
Cerulite: Please tell me she's going to kill them both for this and this stupid fic will end?
Jewel: Now, THAT would be justice.
Firia has her arm in a sling, and there's a bruise on her face.
Tes: Oh, look, Micheal's a wife-beater. Well, that's what she gets for marrying a guy she only knew for a whole DAY.
Michael is holding crutches instead of his staff, as well as his cracked Saiyan armor. The door opens, and Naga and Amelia walk out of the office. Both look like Zolf did, wrapped in bandages from head to toe.
Auryn: Oh, look. More Amelia/Nagha bashing. Yay.
Michael: So King Tut, how did things go?
Naga: She gave us a month off with pay to heal. She's not happy at all.
CD: *as Nagha* Go blow a goat, puckwallow.
Michael: groan Great.
Secretary: Michael, the Queen will see you now.
Michael and Firia get up and enter the Office.
Tes: *as Micheal* I'm Micheal, and this is my blow up date, Filia.
We find the Queen taking some aspirin, and trying to massage the migraine she has. One side of her face is black and blue.
Hmm, Michael thought, maybe I should've thrown the staff myself. The Queen looks up at them.
Queen of Swords: Sit.
Jewel: *as QOS* Stay. Heel. Good toady.
Michael and Firia sit.
Queen of Swords: I don't remember much about what happened last night, but from what I understand, I believe I owe you an apology.
All: *stunned silence*
Cerulite: SHE owes HIM an apology!? *licks knife* I think HE owes the world an apology for writing this!
Michael: Don't worry about it. It's not the first time someone tried to kill me.
Tes: *snort* He says, sounding about twelve shades of manly AND SI.
Queen of Swords: I'm also sorry about the armor. But don't worry about that. I talked to Vegeta this morning,
Tes: *gags* Fraggin' monkey people!
and he said he can have it fixed in no time.
Michael: Really? That's great! I'm glad I brought this with me then.
Michael puts the armor on the table. The Queen examines the damage to the armor, and whistles in disbelief.
Queen of Swords: Wow. I did this?
All: FEEL THE POWER OF SI!
Michael: Yep. You were pretty pissed off.
Queen of Swords: And I haven't forgotten why either.
Michael and Firia look at her as if she's about to execute them.
All: PLEASE DO.
Queen of Swords: I don't approve of this marriage,
CD: *gripping stomach as though she's about to dry heave again* Believe me, lady, you ain't the only one.
but I cannot tell my cast members what to do either. But let me ask this: Firia, are you truly happy now that you're married to him?
Auryn: *as Filia* I do whatever the nice SI author tells me to. I have a personality made of cardboard, after all.
CD: *holding onto last vestiges of fading sanity and hope* Please say no?
Firia looks at the Queen, and nods.
Firia: I've never been happier.
CD: *sobs**runs to corner to dry heave some more*
Michael seems to have filled a gap in my life.
Cerulite: *runs to corner to dry heave*
We love each other's company,
Jewel: *runs to corner to vomit*
and we never have anything to complain about.
Auryn: *runs to corner to dry heave*
What's not to like about it?
Tes: *eyes watering with sympathy nausea* Oh, how about all the SI parts? Oh, frag... *runs over to corner to sympathy vomit*
Queen of Swords: I see. Well, let be one of the first to congratulate you two.
*sounds of vomiting continue*
Now, about the ring--
Michael: I'm terribly sorry about that Queen, I never intended to--
Cerulite: *manages to quit dry heaving for a moment* Be such an ASS?
Queen of Swords: It's all right really. I've already found a way for you to make it up to me.
All: *stop for a moment while that sinks in**resume heaving*
Queen of Swords: I'm taking the photon cannon.
Michael: You mean, it wasn't destroyed?
Queen of Swords: No. As we speak, Dathon's crew is repairing the damage.
Michael: Great. But what are you going to do with a photon cannon?
Tes: *manages to recover and return to seat* Why am I sure I don't EVEN want to know?
Auryn: *returns* Oversized vibrator, maybe?
Tes: She could get rid of Xellos, then.
Queen of Swords: It's a secret. Well you two lovebirds,
*sounds of vomiting become harder, Auryn gets up and goes back to the corner*
I have to let you loose now. I have to start interviewing people to write next week's fan fic.
Michael: Oh no! I completely forgot about mine!
Queen of Swords: Don't worry.
Tes: *as QOS* Whatever you do, don't write anything.
The stuff that happened to us the past few days is better than what you were writing. Let's say that that was your fan fic.
Michael and Firia leave the office and return to the island. There, they get a wonderful reception, seeing as to how they didn't have one at the impromptu wedding.
*vomiting has indiscriminately become dry heaving and continues even louder, if that's possible*
Firia: Thanks for the wedding gifts guys.
CD: *weakly, in between heaves* Noooo.... Mommy.... it tastes like burning....
Lina: You're most certainly welcome.
Sylphiel: You know, I never thought you would get hitched Firia.
Tes: Ahhh, the joys of SI.
Firia: Well, neither did we. And we owe it all to Xellos.
CD: *has stopped dry heaving, is now crawling back toward her seat* Please... please... don't let... the horse... speak to me... this way...
Michael: Sure. If you had not been so jealous, we would've never been stoned with funky fruit.
Tes: How romantic.
Xellos (tearing up): I'm touched. I feel bad now, seeing as to how I was the only person who didn't get you a gift. (light bulb) I know! My trunk may have something I can give you guys.
*everyone eventually stops heaving and returns to their seats*
CD: *weakly, still crawling* Believe... in miracles... And they will... *sob* know your true feelings...
Jewel: Oh, Gods, she's reverting to Juri mode.
Auryn: The anti-shippiness has destroyed her brain.
Cerulite: This fic in general has destroyed my brain. *licks knife*
Xellos runs to the hut to search his trunk. It's quiet for a moment, then a flash of light illuminates the hut, and Xellos comes out, charred and smoldering.
Lina: What on earth happened?
Tes: More Xellos bashing. Isn't it obvious?
Xellos: I don't know really. I opened the trunk, and I got hit with what looked like a photon blast.
Michael and Firia look at each other and start laughing,
CD: *gives up, collapses in floor, sobs**weakly singing* I... am a... Pioneer.... And truth... is my greatest... weapon... *SOB*
and soon all but Xellos are laughing. Where did the mysterious blast come from? Well, it's a secret.
Jewel: There is no justice here.
^_^ End ^_^
Tes: Thank the GODS, that had to be the most obnoxious story ever written!
*music starts filtering in as the fanfic leaves the screen blank. Sounds of "I Am a Pioneer" fill the air as CD hums and sobs along to it*
CD: *mumbling from the floor* I'm going to *sob* write a snuff fic with him *sob* in it! I swear to Volphied, I will! *sob*
Auryn: Oh, for the love of Gott! Let's just go! I want out of here so bad I can taste it!
Jewel: I have the most awful taste in my mouth now. Let's get Canal to clean that up.
Cerulite: Freedom is good.... *licks knife* Knives are good, too...
Jewel: Geez, he's gone Zero System...
*all exeunt, dragging CD with them. They get the Hell out of there as fast as they can*
CD and Jewel stared blankly at the small TV monitor they'd procured from the large panel of several monitors on the Swordbreaker's bridge. They were currently flipping through their twelve channels of Bishounen TV, trying to find one that wouldn't bring back traumatic memories of the fanfic, and would allow them to heal.
CD flipped the channel with her remote. This channel of BTV happened to have Fushigi Yuugi playing on it. Jewel and CD stared for a few moments at the parade of adorable bishounen.
"Mmmmmm, Hotohori," Jewel said, watching wide-eyed. CD nodded, twitching a little.
"Poor Tasuki," CD mumbled, "Hotohori.... Voiced by Takehito Koyasu... mmmmmm.... Koyasu.... Yosho... Rezo... The Red Pr- ARGH! MichealtheRedPriest!" In a fit of nearly psychotic fear, CD flipped the channel.
This time, the TV showed a large, dark room with iron grating. The sounds of an elevator coming to a stop and the grating opening played over the creepy background music. Suddenly, a man began to talk about breaking egg shells and chickens.
"Mmmmmm, Touga," CD said, "Takehito Koyasu.... Yosho... Rezo... The Red Pr-ARGH! MichealtheRedPriest!" Sobbing, she flipped the channel. "I can't even watch Shojo Kakumei Utena anymore!", she wailed, flipping frantically.
"Is this what you asked for, CD?", Canal said, startling CD from her channel flipping. She'd appeared behind the two of them with something that looked like a hospital IV bag with brown liquid filling it. CD's eyes grew wide and glistened with tears.
"Yes!", she yelped, snatching it away. She took the IV needle from Canal and began slapping her arm like a heroin addict. After a few seconds, she found the vein she was looking for and jammed the needle into her arm. "GODSDAMMIT, that HURTS!", she yelled before slumping back into her seat, "Ohhhhhh, tea.... Mmmmmmmm, sweet nectar of caffeine..."
CD finally settled on turning the channel past the twelve BTV's and onto something that had a girl sitting on a ledge, looking across at a horse's bust on the wall of a building. CD and Jewel blinked.
"And I think," the girl on the TV said in a voice over, "'Please, please God. Please don't let my spirit animal speak to me through a hyperglycemic poster.' What a cruel world. Letting something this profound be conveyed in words this trite. Please don't let the horse speak to me this way!"
CD's eyes widened as she, too, began mumbling "Don't let the horse speak to me this way!"
Meanwhile, across the room, Auryn was huddled into one of the pilots' chairs. She was wearing her red plug suit and holding her scruffy Kaji plushie and her toweled, pissed off Asuka plushie. She rocked back and forth, holding her knees and hugging the plushies.
"There is nothing wrong with the color red," she calmly reassured herself, "I like the color red. There is nothing wrong with the color red. I LIKE the color red."
On the other side of the room, Cerulite was huddled into a corner, quietly licking his knife. He stared out into space as he did so, as though he were actually looking at something.
"You just HAD to go in there with them, didn't you?" Cerulite continued staring straight ahead. The duck he was seeing had begun to talk to him. "You couldn't have hidden in the bathroom till it was over, could you?", the duck continued, "Noooo, you couldn't have stayed in the kitchen, either, huh? See what you get?"
Cerulite continued licking the knife. For some reason, he could hear Farfarello's theme from Weiss Kreuz playing from somewhere. For the life of him, he couldn't figure out from where, though. He knew there weren't any radios turned on in here, but there it was, all the same.
"The duck is good," he said, haltingly, "Knives... are good... too..."
Tes, being the only one who had maintained some semblance of sanity, was watching the biggest monitor at the head of the control panel at the front of the bridge. She was watching an episode of Ruroni Kenshin, trying to make the samurai goodness push out the nasty aftertaste of that fic. She would have pulled out the Klingon liquor, but she knew Matise wouldn't appreciate that. Oh well. Kenshin would have to do.
Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, the screen changed from Kenshin, to a video signal feed. Instead of seeing Rail like they normally did, however, there was a blurry mass of pink jammed up against the screen. There were several sounds of giggling and tittering that made Tes raise her eyebrows.
"Oh, Lieutenant Rail!", a woman's suggestive voice came over the speakers of the view screen. Tes smirked, wondering exactly when the best time would be for her to relay to Rail that he'd apparently accidentally hit the communication button on his desk. After a few more titters and happy noises, Tes cleared her throat. When that didn't work, she cleared it again. And when that didn't work, she finally just decided to be blunt.
"EXCUSE ME, Rail and whoever the hell you are," Tes said, "Do you have anything you want to tell us, or are you interrupting my Kenshin just so I can watch you make out with your secretary?" There was a startled noise from the woman as well as some muffled cursing from Rail as they scrambled around, trying to get back into a presentable position.
"Oh, sorry about that, Tes," Rail said, adjusting his crooked collar and sitting in his seat, "We - I didn't mean to hit that button. I suppose you're all done with that fic now, huh?" Tes grinned at him ferally.
"Yep," she replied, "Gee, Rail, ya didn't tell me there'd be a streaking Gourry in that. As bad as that was, that made up for it. Don't think the other guys would agree with me, though. Who's your friend, there, by the way?"
Rail laughed nervously. "Oh, her?", he asked, as the young officer in the pink dress stepped in front of the video feed and smiled, "That's my secretary, Neena. She was cleaning off my desk and hit that button. She's got this problem with computers, you see..." Tes grinned at his waffling. Some humans were so easily embarrassed.
"Isn't she a little, I dunno, YOUNG for you?", Tes asked, smirking. She didn't really think age mattered that much, but after that Hell of a fanfic Rail'd just put everyone through, she figured he deserved a little needling.
Rail sputtered indignantly and blushed. Neena bent down beside his chair and patted his hand.
"It's okay, Lieutenant Rail!", she said sweetly, "It doesn't matter if you're an old man to me! I like you just the way you are, even if you are almost thirty!" Neena gave him a pleading look as he attempted to keep his temper.
"I'm only twenty seven!", he yelled at them both, "I am not old! That's it, Tes. The next time I send you something, you're all going to regret this!" Tes continued to smirk.
"I highly doubt that," she said, "And it's not my fault that you look older than you are." Rail's face was red at this point.
"You just wait," he said, sputtering, "I'm going to look for some more fics right now, and when I come back..." He slammed his hand down on the desk, cutting off the transmission.
Tes shrugged as her Kenshin came back on the screen. "Oh, well," she said, snidely.
Jewel and CD watched in fascination as a housewife on the screen of their TV monitor bludgeoned her daughter's pet rabbit to death. The 'thwack' of the shovel somehow provided a mild form of catharsis for both of them. Jewel looked over at CD.
"You know," she said, shakily, "In the end, it all goes back to the bunny and the shovel."
"You are so right," CD replied.
And now time for pointless blabber. This fic *or what passes for one* belongs to Micheal the Red Priest, and boy do I mean it when I say he's welcome to it! If you want to read the un-MSTed version, go to www.queenofswords.com and look for it there. This MST was done for humor and nothing more. Insert all that other random stuff that MSTers always say -here-.
A special thanks goes to Psycat, Auryn, Chex, and Nemiko for letting me punish their poor characters like this. I promise we'll do a somewhat normal fic next time!
We hope you enjoyed this program. Tune in next time, as we show you where Kane really is *I mean it this time!* and to see if the emotional wounds inflicted by this fic will ever heal. This program was made possible by a generous grant from the Gazer Concern, SI Authors Anonymous, and Viewers Like You.
Statistics on this MSTing:
*Number of Martina/Zangulus sex jokes: 5
*Number of Rezo blind jokes: 5
*Number of instances of Amelia bashing: 4
*Number of days it took to MST this: 3
*Number of cans of Lipton Brisk Tea drunk by CD during the course of this MSTing: 17
*Number of Tahoe (mulch) cigarettes smoked by Chex, Cerulite's creator, during the course of this MSTing: 21
*Number of major metropolitan areas that will never be the same after this MSTing: 2
*Number of "Snuff Fics" inspired by this MSTing: 2 (at least)
*Number of instances of vomiting/dry heaving: 14
*Number of random anime thrown in by SI author: 6
*Number of SI authors: 4
*Number of instances of real life nausea induced by this fanfic: 3 (at least)
*Number of times during beta reading that Jewel's creator, Nemiko, mentioned Justice: 34
*Number of souls destroyed by this fic: 4 (that we're aware of)
Feedback: Feel the fires of purification burning within my DeLaval Lube Oil Purifiers! ~ sailorN1@aol.com
"KILL THE PRIEST! DRINK HIS BLOOD! "
© 2001, Violet & Gold