This is a transcript of a chat Auryn and Crystal Dawn had about various, odd things, including androgynous voice actors, Hell, puppies, and marshmellows. They put it up here because they thought it'd be interesting. And before you read this, there are two things you need to know about the one only referred to as "Cat" in here: 1) She likes yaoi. Lots of yaoi. 2) She likes Rome. The rest is pretty self-explainatory. Enjoy!

Kaworu, in the Bowels of Hell

Auryn: Is it just me, or does Kaworu's voice actor do all androgynous anime characters?

Crystal Dawn: You know, that would make sense.

So whenever they need an androgynous voice, they call this guy. His business card must read "When you need androgyny, call..."

Akira Ishida. You know, I'd worry about the state of my career if I were typecast as nothing but androgynous blue/purple haired villians... You DO know who else he does voices for, don't you?

Fish Eye?

Akira Ishida does the voices for Kaworu AND Xellos AND Fish Eye. Hell, I'm amazed he didn't get cast as Kojiro from Pokemon.

Hell, it's like Boy George decided to learn Japanese as a second language and infiltrate the anime industry. O_o

That Miki guy who does his voice isn't too bad. He must've just arrived two minutes before him and now he's sworn vengaence.

Now I can just see Xellos, Kaworu, and Fish Eye going to beat the tar outta poor Jamesy.

Only Kaworu wouldn't be fighting, he'd be floating around with his hands in his pockets humming "Ode to Joy".

And Fish Eye and James would be exchanging cross-dressing tips...

The only one who'd really be trying to fight him would be Xellos. He'd be stabbing him viciously with his staff.

And Kaworu would be trying to get him to take a shower with him.

James: *OW* "Sorry, *ow!* Kaworu *oww!*, but I don't *ow!!!* think Jesse would *ooow!!!* like that *ow!!*.

Then Asuka comes by to call Kaworu "Homo Boy", and Rei comes by just to glare at him.

Long as Rei's here, we should bring out Jesse, since they've got the same VA in Japanese. She'd come out and get pissed that Xellos was beating up on her punching bag... errr, partner.

Oh, but when Jesse takes James away, Xellos will get bored with no one to pick on.... So Filia falls out of the sky onto James, squishing whatever semblence of sanity he once had out of his head.

Now James can only spout random catch phrases.

James: I want a donut!

Then, hell, since Jesse and Rei are already here, we should just bring out Lina, too. They all have the same VA.

when james regains consciousness, he has lost the ability to say the word donut and goes mad. he ends up on crack on the street, eventually becomes a dealer and buys a shack in the ghetto, where he lives with his 70 cats

Jesse becomes a hired thug, until being recruited by NERV to be a guard. Until Third Impact, that is, when she is promptly shot.

By Asuka. she couldn't stand having another bossy, dominating red-head around, lording over some other spineless boy.

Lina winds up being a Springer-style talk show host, who hosts a two hour long special "Girl, I'm sleeping with your guy, who looks like a girl, so get a new guy!"... or something.

"You cain't murry yer cousin, Jed! It's in the BIBLE!!!"

Lina: >.< *twitch**twitch* DRAGON SLAVE!!!

She ends up killing her entire audience, and then leads the police on a slow speed car chase in a white Bronco driven by her "houseguest", Gourry "Gabo" Gabriev...

Oh, FACE! *laughing* "Gabo"....

...and Kaworu, who had been considering sacrificing himself to save humanity, after meeting this bunch of people, decides to end the world

*FLOOOOR* Of course, Xellos is just cheering him on the whole time... before offering him a position as a Dark Lord... which Filia would of course protest.

...but no one would be left to give a shit, so she'd just cry

*FLOOR* Kaworu could take over Phibby's job as Hellmaster. ^_~

*Pictures Kaworu admitting some young men into hell, and asking them to shower with him*

And there's Cat's mandatory yaoi scene.

Kaworu: welcome to hell, want a bath? beethoven? a sleepover perhaps?

And poor Filia would be so sad that she'd run off to live a life on the streets with Raina, selling her body for Cheeze Whiz. ^_~

LOL! ...and Cat, realizing that Kaworu has no penis or gender and can't actually enage in real yaoi acts, would kill herself by jumping off the parthenon

*FLOOR* With the puppypuppypuppy!!!

Then the ANGST anval falls on her, just for good measure.


*burns Rome just because Cat drove it into the ground* :D

...and to finish the killing-off-people-we-hate part of this, AJ is mauled to death by rabid puppies

Nooo, by rabid puppypuppypuppies!

right, of course! and IN rome, while it's burning down


Xel sits nearby and roasts marshmallows

*laughing* And I'm dancing around, playing a lyre, even though I don't know HOW to play a lyre, like Nero did when Rome burned for him! :D

I would have to be drunk, because whenever there are marshmallows around, I'm drunk for some reason.

*dance**dance**play lyre*

Xellos: These marshmellows are pretty good... *eats more*

Kaworu: Great, more people to come visit me in Hell! I hope there are lots of them to take showers with! *eats marshmellows*

Kaworu: these marshmallows almsot make me appreciate human-- aw, what am I saying?

CD: *dance*dance*

Auryn: *laughs like an idiot and passes out*

Xellos gets tired of eating marshmellows and makes Filia dance with him whilst Rome burns... and of course, she bitches about it and tells him it's wrong to dance while people are dying. Which he couldn't care less about.

*Filia got tired of Cheeze Whiz and listening to Raina's stories about her abusive ex-boyfriend Anjo, so she decided to sell her body for marshmellows instead* XD

Raina herself was eventually sold as a wife for a live goat. She was one of those mail-order brides, but they forgot about her and so she suffocated in a big UPS box

And it's the goat from Adam Sandler's "What the Hell Happened to Me" tape...

Then Xel would give Filia some marshmellows to sell her body to him. :D

but what would he do with it? damn adrogynous...

Xellos: WOOHOO! XD Paati!

Filia: -_-

Kaworu: O.o *wondering what in the world he'd do with her*

Oh, look. Flamer posted *rolls eyes*

so psy just told me ~_~

*flamer burns in rome*

After falling off the Parthenon once "he" realized that Kaworu can't be yaoi. ^_~ With the puppypuppypuppy!

*laughing* And Rome burns as Xellos drags Filia off *still clutching her ill-gotten marshmellows*, sniffling. I keep dancing and playing my badly out of key lyre, and Kaworu just keeps eating the marshmellows.

And you're just passed out. XD

We haven't had a conversation this screwed up for a year!

I know! This is great! :D


*laughing* Then kaworu hears Filia screaming in pain or something from somewhere out of sight... Poor Kaworu... if only he'd had more marshmellows...


Hell, those Mazoku are WIERD. There's no telling what he'd try to do to her. he'd probably think he was paying to be able to kill her. ^_~

Hell, I mean look at all the really powerful Mazoku... Phibby thinks he's 8 years old, Gaav thinks he's a human, Dynast is an old hermit, Deep Sea Dolphin's supposedly nuts, and Zelas is... well, she's just Zelas.

Auryn's hair caught on fire and she died, she goes to hell where Kaworu notices she's a girl and ignores her, she starts following him around.

I'm still dancing around Rome, even when it's all burned down. Then I notice that everyone's left and I'm like "Nani? Nani nani!?! Minnnnnnnaaaaaaa!!!!"

Paul comes to save the day, is too late, you realize who he is and set him on fire, and dance around him.

By the end of the day, you have Paul, Pyro, Audrey, Jordan, and Sphynx all tied into one big burning lump

:D Fun!!!

Then I send them down to hell to live with you and Kaworu. But he's all over Paul and ignores everyone else.

I follow Kaworu around all the time, asking where Shinji and Kaji are, and he keeps getting annoyed at me because I interrupt him before he can get Paul in the shower (seeing as it takes so long to get that armor off)

To get me to leave him alone, he lets me become one of his underlings, and I wander around in big robes, whistling Ode to Joy

Wai! Then I finally bug Xellos until he takes me to meet Juuou-sama Zelas, who I bug until she makes me HER lackey, so I get to wear big black robes, too. :D

But I keep getting in trouble because I keep finding wherever it is that Xellos currently has Filia chained up, and I keep setting her free... so he gets pissed at me a lot.

I gradually become embittered with Kaworu's ignoring me, and vow to destroy Paul. To do so, I find cat and brave talking to her to convince her to come near them. upon seeing paul, she attaches herself to him by the hip, and paul runs weeping into the night

*FLOOR* And I can just see you cackling like a madwoman, too!

And poor Kaworu is like ;_;

But gets over it 5 minutes later... I mean, this IS Paul we're talking about.

And I keep following Xellos around going "Juujinkan-sama! Juujinkan-sama! Can I let the pritty dragon girl loose? She said she was hungry and you won't feed her!"

Kaworu returns to his post at the gates, "want a shower? would you like to sleep with me?"

However, no one seems to be taking up his offers, and he doesn't know why. Auryn is standing behind him holding a card that says "This man has no penis"

And Xellos is begging Juuou-sama to get rid of me because I'm annoying the living hell outta him and I keep setting his dragon bi-yotch free.... he has to go catch Filia at least twice a day now. ^-^

But Juuou-sama likes me, cuz I do shots with her, so she keeps me around. :D

Kaworu is clueless and becomes very depressed, refusing to even leave his large and lavishly decorated bathroom/bedroom, so I take over the gates

*laughing* And me and Juuou-sama are getting drunk off our asses, and Xellos is just glad that it's distracting me from setting his pet dragon loose anymore.

annoyed that my attempt to bring ice cream into the daily diet in hell was a disaster, I pack up my robes and leave

Awww, how depressing!

Juuou-sama and me are still on a weeklong bender. XD

not knowing where else to go, I sit outside rome on my suitcase, which has big black robes sticking out of it, and eat ice cream

Rome, which has burnt. :D

they built a shopping mall over it

But of course, Cat's there, dragging around Paul's corpse. She killed him with her ANGST and wasn't quite smart enough to realize it.

So she starts a store in the mall that sells nothing but gay porn.

And it's not even gay COMIC porn, it's just novels written about gay love affairs.

However, all the gay men have been killed by me so that Kaworu would have a good selection, so her audience is limited

Limited to stupid teenage girls like herself who think it's "romantic".

So she sits on her counter all day and plays a badly out of tune guitar and sings that annoying assed song about Erdric *from her FF RP?*, waaaaaayyyy out of key.

the song is accompanied by the howling of a thousand rabid puppypuppypuppies

But of course, all her little teenage girl groupies think it's soooooo romantic and want to buy the book she's written about it entitled "Love, Why Are You Dead? Is It Because Of My Poor Cursed Life?"

by Cat, Empress of All, Ruler of Everything

And the sequal: "My Sad Life", and the third in the series "Oh, Poor Me".

there's an appendix to the third one that lists every god she's related to

it's seventy-three pages long

the book actually is about two pages long, but she filled it out with the list

You forgot her million and one titles! "Empress of the Yaoi-ja kai, Daughter of Kim Vey, whoever the hell that is, yadda yadda yadda..."

Yes, the only thing on the two pages would be how much she loves Rome and how cute her puppypuppypuppy is.

and how she's going to see the weiner puppy races

And a picture she drew of Ashi... nekkid. *shudder*

The second book is just all the mean things she planned to do to Haunter and Matise and deny at the same time when we finally got into Mana World that one time. It's about 800 pages long. But about 700 of those are just an index and biogrphy of all her true loves, which fate has so cruelly taken from her....

she has a newsletter as well, the Empress of Everything Enquirer, in which she details her every greivance against all of us every day

she has her "greivous offense of the day" section

Oh, yes. I hear AJ and Sphynx are subscribers!

They seem to think it's a great newsletter... which makes me question not only their sanity, but their intelligence as well.

and Paul was the editor, but he's dead, so she just signs his name for him now, thinking he has arthritis

and that all her material is perfect

Oh, YES! She's such a good writer! Especially the yaoi, because they think it's SO romantic.

and I am repulsed by the horrific noise of her singing, so I go in to kill her, on the way stealing one of the gay porn novels for Kaworu

*laughing* So that when you send her to hell, you can also score brownie points by sending him gay porn. Or at least make up for the horrible injustice you've done him by sending her whiny ass there.

Me, I'm drunk underneath the table with Juuou-sama. Xellos, meanwhile, is making Filia give him rides around the castle in her dragon form. :D

Cat: And the beautiful princess Cat

Queen of several races no one has heard of

Cries in her flat

With the grace of a dove

Auryn: *tries to beat Cat to death*

Then I would hear that she was trying to say she was the one, true Phoenix, and would get my drunk ass up from underneath the table and would travel to hell to beat her ass! XD

Xellos: Alright, she's gone! Now I can indulge in some mad rabid weasel lovin' with mah pet dragon bi-yotch! *rubs hands together, cackling evily*

Filia: O.O What?

Kaworu sits on his bed reading gay porn and giggling.

Like a teenage girl.

of course!

He's got his little fluffy houseshoes on, swinging his feet over the bed while he reads...

he's got that green face goop on and curlers in his hair

James, meanwhile, has died and gone to hell, and has thus become Kaworu's boy toy.

CD: *joins Auryn in trying to beat Cat to death*

Kaworu presses a button on the side of his bed. A plate on the wall turns around to reveal James tied to it. Kaworu shows him a page in the book.

Kaworu: Shall we try this one tonight, dear?

James (with sock in mouth): Mehmehhmehemmme!

Kaworu: What, darling? *pulls the sock out*

James: but you don't have a--

Kaworu: *runs away crying*

Cat defends herself by singing out of tune and whining

and my ears begin bleeding, for I am not immune to the ANGST.

I have a small seizure and fall to the floor. A piece of gay porn falls on me and I scream "it burns, it burns!"

I try to use the gay porn on Cat, but it only has the effect of getting her to shut up long enough to look at it.

*takes advantage of this to get Paul, who is rotting in a nearby chair, break off his leg, and bash her in the head with it*

*laughing* But that only starts her again, because she'll start whining about how much she loved Paul, but killed him any damned ways.

*breaks off paul's hand and flips her off with it*

Cat starts to whine that he no longer loves her and OH, whatever shall she do?

*suggests the gay porn*

*laughing* Then we throw the gay porn at her and she shuts up to read it. ^_^

*a mysterious owl flies in through the window, Cat begins to spout some nonsense about how her lover hath returned to claim his flowery love, but the owl pecks her eyes out. The owl changes into david bowie, who spits on her and says: "that's for ruining my career"*

And I'm rolling in the floor, laughing my ass off.

David goes out and records that good song he did with Trent Reznor and goes back to England a much happier man

Meanwhile, back on Wolf Pack Island....

Xellos: Now, dammit, I said to stay STILL!

Filia: But it hurts! It hurts!

And I'm going o.O and thinking "I don't EVEN wanna know."

Kaworu is looking on from afar with a pair of binnoculars. James is still tied to the wall going, "hello? hello? Kaworu? Jessie? 70 cats?"

*sounds of whips and maniacal laughter.... and Juuou-sama is STILL drunk under the table*

Kaworu takes notes

Meanwhile, I'm still rolling on the floor, laughing at Cat and her bleeding eyes. XD

Cat is trying to write another poem, but can't think of anything to rhyme with "David Bowie pecked my fucking eyes out"

So instead decides to make it free verse and follow it up with "Erdric, why did my love Erdric have to die?"

*laughing* I should make a fanfic out of this chat and just put it up like this on my page... Changing the names, of course... ^_~

Cat realizes that free-verse doesn't work in ballad form and kills herself.

and the peasants rejoiced

Cause this is HELLA funny.

Hell, the whole WORLD rejoiced!

Except for Wolf Pack Island, for Zelas-sama was still drunk under the table, and someone was screaming, "Jump through the flaming hoop, bitch!" from across her castle.



*sounds of whips, maniacal laughter**Kaworu-sama takes notes*

Know what's scary? This all started out over voice actors. O_o


*Kaworu starts eyeing James in a way which worries the poor purple-haired guy*

Kaworu realizes something... maybe James won't work for this! He preses the next button down on the controller, and ANOTHER wall thing turns around, revealing...

Asuka, who looks REALLY pissed off

*laughing* Then she'd start swearing at him in German, trying to get loose from the wall.

"Dumbkopf!" "Yes, you are a bitch. This could work."

*FLOOR* Me thinks Kaworu took that phrase a little... literally?

Meanwhile, I've popped some popcorn, and am using blind, eyes gouged out Cat for a stool to sit on whilst I watch this.

Auryn, after seeing the gay porn, is whimpering in the corner mumbling "bad touch, bad touch"

CD, however, is far too far-gone to give much of a rat's ass *unless it's that Zel/Xel yaoi stuff, then that's disturbing*, and therefore is enjoying the Asuka/Kaworu specticle. ^-^

Kaworu shrugs and slaps Asuka across the face

hehehehe... *eats more poppycorn*

Meanwhile, back on Wolf Pack Island...

Juuou-sama is still under the table while the sound of "You've been a naughty little dragon, trying to get away like that! Now come here so I can punish you!" echoes through the halls....

Asuka sputters and rants in German.

Juuou-sama's BAC must be nearing .9 by now...

A few more shots, and she'll have pure grain blood!


*cheers her on, then cheers Kaworu on* :D

Kaworu stares and contemplates, and then snaps. Asuka reappears in a vinyl German porn thing and screams.

*laughing* That reminds me of the thing from the South Park movie, with Cartman's mom!!!

Rei walks out from behind a curtain in a similar outfit, shrugs, says "I dont mind, it comes with the job," and leaves.

someday Asuka's children will ask, "mom, if you were in a german sheisse video, you'd tell me, right?"

*laughing* Gendo the pimp must be lurking somewhere...

Asuka then notices that Kaworu has set up no less than three video cameras to film her from all different angles...

at hearing the word Gendo, Auryn died again and reappears back at the Gates, where she hands out pamphlets advertising Hell's new Saunas and Bedrooms.

Gendo is scheming to take Hell over out from under Kaworu... O_o

Gendo has already come up with a scheme for redecoration...

"we'll put a picture of yui here, and a picture of rei here, and another picture of yui here, and I think we'll put Rei in this cage over here"

And Rei would just look bored in the cage.

as long as he gave her water, she'd be ok

Exactly. ^_~

And Gendo never got to take over Hell, because Auryn had to get up in the morning, so she had to go to bed.

The End