Disclaimer: This is a dual disclaimer. First off, none of these characters belong to me. Or Nemiko (Jewel). So don't sue us. And secondly, this is probably the wrongest fic either of us has ever done. Ever. It is a "vid fic" to a song from Insane Clown Posse called "Bitches". This will probably hurt your head very much. Either that, or make you insane with fright of us. ^_^ Whichever comes first.
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Slayers Ghetto: Bitches!
by Nemiko and Crystal Dawn Phoenix
Everyone is sitting at Ye Olde Random Tavern, having breakfast. Zel is drinking his coffee, and looking... well, a lot like he always does. Surly, angsty and under-caffeinated. Yeah, like that. At some point, Amelia clears her throat and looks over at Filia, who nods knowingly.
All of a sudden, Amelia and Filia are standing on the table, amidst the breakfast, microphones in hand. Amelia is wearing really tight shorts and a cheap-ass, Shiri-no-Hintu brand tube top, with a lot of gold jewelry. Filia, however, is dressed in the finest Ghetteaux Fabulous Fashion and is looking remarkably skanky for a Dragon Shrine Maiden.
The word you're looking for here is "I am not from this country."
Amelia leans over, dangling her over-amble breasts into Zelgadis' face and begins to (AHEM) sing.
Mr. Zelgadis... WHAT THE FUCK!
Zelgadis sweatdrops. A LOT.
What you try to do to me?
You wasn't true to me!
When I was locked up,
You fucked something like thirty four GUYS!
But I let that slide...
Zelgadis looks around nervously, getting only stares from the regular patrons, odd looks from the ladies in his own party, "EEEEEW" looks from Gourry and a flirty wave from Xellos. He looks as if he might pass out.
Lina looks at Gourry. "She was locked up?"
Gourry gets a HUGE grin on his face. "Amelia was a *prison* bitch!"
'Cause yer ass is BIG and yer titties are PHAT
Filia holds up a *great* shot of Zel dressed as "Miss Lulu" during the Femille incedent. He looks *damn* sexy, too. Ooh, baby. What a dish! Zelgadis sweatdrops and reaches for Gourry. "YOU TOLD ME YOU BURNED THOSE PICTURES, YOU BASTARD!"
Gourry sweatdrops. "Well, I did. Except the copies I gave to Lina and Amelia and Filia and Martina and Naga and Sylphiel for Christmas. And their birthdays... Oh and the Speedo pic I gave to Amelia for Valentine's Day with your name signed on it..."
"Must... kill... swordsman...of...light..."
I wanted to fuck that,
But FUCK THAT!
Lina winces. "Wouldn't that hurt?"
Xellos nods. "But think of it... ribbed for her pleasure..."
Lina sweatdrops and considers passing out.
Gourry nods. "I got some of those last time we went to the Pink Banana..."
Gourry hold up a small foil packet, and Xellos holds up a matching one and they both nod sagely. Lina *does* pass out at this point.
You never gave a fuck
that you put me through the courts,
and gave me genital warts.
Zel blinks. "You were *stalking* me!"
Gourry and Xel both look from Zel to Amelia and back again.
"You gave her *genital warts*??" Gourry asks, startled.
"NO!" Zel shrieks, turning odd shades of crimson.
"You *skank*..." Xellos says, glaring at Zel.
"You need these more than we do, man." Gourry says as he and Xellos hand him the little foil packets. Zel just groans and buries his hands in his face. Gourry and Xellos shrug, then Xellos nudges a thumb at Amelia. Gourry nods, and they both put the packets back into their pockets "for later"...
Now I stack my 9, I'm goin' for your knees,
"What the HELL??" Lina says, looking up from where she hit the floor. Gourry smirks.
"You didn't miss much. Zel gave Amelia the hoochie-coo."
"He gave her *genital warts*??"
"Yeeeeeeah." Xellos nods, and Lina groans.
"I HAVE TO TAKE A BATH WITH HER YOU KNOW!"
Xellos and Gourry share a look and say, in a cute little sing-song voice, "Skank-kee!"
and when I blow 'em out, I'll give your neck a squeeze.
Lina stares at Amelia, the looks at Zelgadis. "Dude, you pissed her *off*."
"I DIDN'T *DO* ANYTHING!"
"Oh, I'd call boinking thirty-four other guys 'something', man!" Xellos chirped.
"I wondered what that long-haired braided guy with the great butt was doing in your room all the time!" Gourry said.
"DUO AND I ARE JUST FRIENDS!"
"That's what you said about the red-haired guy with the fan, too."
"AND the long haired guy in the dress with the sword."
"AND the red-haired guy with the cape fetish."
"AND the funky guy in the tuxedo with the roses."
Zelgadis attempts to melt and become part of the floor.
and as you're standing there, I'm gonna be like
"Bitch, you know you done fucked up, right?"
Zelgadis openly weeps and starts looking for the nearest exit. Amelia pulls a gun, and points it at him. Gourry and Xellos do a double-take and stare at her.
"Zel, man, you are *fucked*. You know this, right?" Gourry says.
"You are *so* *screwed*. She's gonna cap your bitch-ass!" Xellos sings, snickering.
Amelia and Filia stand close together and start to sing the chorus.
Cuz, girl you know I love you, but now ya gotta die. (now ya gotta die, now ya gotta die)
Filia steps up and starts to sing the next verse.
Bitch, don't talk about bitches
I'm fucking them
Xellos and Gourry raise their arms up over their heads and start screaming "YURI! YURI!"
Zelgadis pokes Xellos with his elbow. "That's *your* bitch, dumbass!"
"HOLY SHIT!" Xellos screeches. "FILIA, Nooooooooo!"
"Am I the only one with a normal girlfriend?" Gourry asks, and is promptly punched twice, dead in the face. Lina looks slightly ill.
Please, no fat bitches, i'm fuckin' slim.
"HEY NOW!" Xellos wails, and turns to Gourry and Zelgadis. "Guys, do these pants make my ass look big?"
Gourry actually checks. "No, but they make your ankles look fucking HUGE, dude."
Zelgadis nods. "Nothing can help your ass, man. Middle age spread or something."
Gourry nods as well. "You're gonna have to accept the fact that you have your mother's thighs."
Unless it's one of those nights i'm smoking my shit
I don't care 'bout how i'm fuckin' it.
"I *KNEW* he had to be getting her high to agree to sleep with him!" Zel yells and holds out a stony palm. Gourry sighs and passes him a twenty. Lina goes for her back pocket and coughs up a ten to each of the guys. Zel nods.
"Show big daddy your money, baby. SHOW big daddy your money."
"So..." Gourry leers at Xellos, "She's kind of freaky in bed, huh?"
"No, no... don't elaborate. I have to sleep with *Lina*."
"She's *gotta* be freakier than THOSE two." Zel remarks, only to be immediately cold-cocked by a certain pissed-off red-haired sorceress.
"GANGSTA....SLAVE!" shrieks Lina after pistol-whipping the Chimera. All attention is now back on Filia, who has two bishounen up on the table with her and is now *STRIPPING*.
How much you cost, big fat crack head?
The blonde bishounen, in the midst of removing his pink dress shirt and giving her a tremendous "I'ma get some boo-tay!" smiles and starts to answer. The second bishie, sporting long white hair, fangs and an amazing amount of nudity, is trying to put his tongue down the shrine maiden's ear. Filia smacks the blonde's ass.
Ain't tryin' hear all those words you said!
FIVE minutes bitch, and I came!
The blonde looks pouty.
"It took WAY longer than five minutes, didn't it, Darsh?"
The WHB removes his tongue from the dragon's ear and smirks at the blonde.
"Of COURSE it did, Quatre-kun. Hell, I was an hour and forty-five minutes EASY!"
"I *thought* so... I mean, I was thinking I was up in that shit for at least an hour..."
Xellos begins to screams and tries to pull the bishounen off of Filia, only to get smacked back by a Zero System Quatre.
"**MY** bitch, dammit!"
Filia looks pissed at *this* announcement and shoves both bishies off the table.
Fuck your name, and where you came!
Quatre looks as if he's gonna cry, until Darsh picks him up, dusts him off, and slaps his nekkid Arabian bum.
"C'mon, man. We don't need that skank-ass ho. We can mack some fine ass honeys out here!" Darsh says, leading the blonde off. As they prepare to leave, they catch a couple of cute girls coming in. Darsh immediately puts the moves on the one with long blonde hair, rubbing up on her and saying some nasty things. Quatre just grabs the dark-haired girl and glomps her. Both girls giggle and snicker. Darsh and Quatre wink at each other and names are exchanged. Quatre slips an arm around Miaka, Darsh pinches Relena's ass, and all is right with the world except that Xellos is still pissed off. He gets ready to glomp his dragon bee-yotch when she sticks the toe of her five-inch stiletto heels in the center of his forehead.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, BITCH!
I WILL **KILL** YOU!
Xellos looks very nervous at this, until Amelia steps up and starts to scream into her microphone.
YOU, MR. ZELGADIS!
Zel looks nervous about the seemingly innocent princess wanting to cap him with her nine. He sweatdrops and attempts to hide under the table.
Filia screams into her microphone in response, kicking Xellos away from her.
Both women shriek the next line together, looking very pissed off.
YOU TOO, VRUMMIGEN! YOU BITCH!
Everyone sweatdrops and says in unison, "VRUMMIGEN?!?!" Lina buries her face in her hands.
"Am I the only person who didn't sleep with Vrummigen?"
Gourry nods, and so does Zelgadis. Xellos shrugs.
"Well, what can I say? There's just something about that jewel-thing in his forehead that does it for me"
"Although there was that one time I just had to grab him by the ears and correct years of bad technique" Gourry points out. Zelgadis looks at him curiously.
"When was that?"
"Ummm October, I think. Why?"
Zelgadis looks thoughtful. "Around October, he got so much better"
Amelia, having heard this little slice of lemon meringue pie, grabs Zelgadis by the wiry hair and lifts him up to eye level.
Bitch, you know I love you, but now you gotta die!
Now you gotta die!
Now you gotta die!
Amelia kicks Zelgadis back to the floor, and then goes back to her song.
One thing I can't stand is these bitches,
Tryin' ta take my riches,
When I ain't even got none!
Xellos turns to Gourry. "BUT SHE'S A FUCKING **PRINCESS**!"
"But, that's daddy's money. A girl has to make a living I guess"
"Besides," Gourry thoughtfully reminded everyone, "The only person who keeps trying to take her money is **LINA**!"
Three sets of male eyes widen, three pairs of male arms go into the air, and the chant begins anew
Lina begins to scream and tries to become one with the floor. Amelia continues, ignoring the wailing sorceress.
You knew what I wanted all the while
Your dick in my vertical smile!
EVERYONE in earshot turns and looks at Zelgadis. He turns seventeen different shades of crimson and begins to sweatdrop.
"WHAT?!?" He cries, looking for an exit. "I mean she said it was just friendly, you know? I mean, COME ON! Like YOU never did it! When ya just gots ta fuck..."
"Yeah, but most people don't go around BOINKING **ROYALTY** on a regular basis!" Xellos countered.
"HEY, Just because you can't score with that frigid dragon unless you get her stoned is NOT my problem, Mr. "MAZO-BAIT"!" Zelgadis replied.
Filia takes up the song, as Amelia and Xellos go to kick Zelgadis' stone butt.
We kiss and hug, we snug and tickle
But the bitch wouldn't even puff my fuckin' pickle!
Gourry's eyes become the size of dinner plates at this remark. "Lina, honey, is there something you want to tell us?"
"Damn, that must be one **hell** of a strap-on is what **I'm** thinking" Xellos chimed in, peeking under the table at the redhead. "LINA! You were polishing a STRAP-ON?!? That's just nasty, girl!"
Lina comes out from under the table and grabs Xellos by the Johnson. "I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO ANYONE WITH A STRAP-ON ANYTHING! I'm an innocent young maiden!"
"Oh, innocent my left nut, Lina! What about the 'Bend Over Boyfriend' book you got, huh? 'Let's try it, Gourry!' 'It'll be fun, Gourry!' 'It'll take our relationship to a higher level, Gourry!' You are such a liar, Lina!"
"It did take our relationship to a higher level, didn't it?" Lina pouted.
"YEAH, BUT WHEN YOU SAID 'BE OPEN TO NEW THINGS, GOURRY' **THAT** WAS NOT WHAT I HAD IN MIND!!!!!"
Everyone pauses for a sweatdrop as Filia resumes the song.
You fucked everybody else in the place
It's all good
Now let me head-butt your face!
Everyone gives Xellos a meaningful glance.
"What?" asks the purple-haired General-Priest.
"I'm thinking she's looking at you like she's gonna kill you for a reason, man." Gourry says, pulling Zelgadis up off the floor, while Amelia regains her place on the table after opening up a big ol' can of Whoop-ass on Stone-Boy.
"Dude, you have slept with a lot of people." Zel points out.
"Oh, I have not."
"Filia, definitely." Gourry says.
"Amelia at least twice that I know of." Zelgadis mentions. "Lina? Have you played a game or two of Hide the Salami with our pal, Xellos here?"
Lina mumbles something, and Gourry nods.
"I knew I wasn't the only one she was using that riding crop on. I borrowed it once when Xel and I were fooling around."
"You too?" Zel smirked. "He walked in on me and Farfarello once. We made him join in as punishment. It was **great**!"
"I'm thinking that the "General Joyful Fruitcake" is well-deserved."
"Me, too." Zelgadis stands up on the chair. "HAS ANYONE HERE **NOT** HAD MAD KINKY MONKEY SEX WITH OUR FRIEND XELLOS METALLIUM???"
Dead silence, except for one voice in the back of the room. A timid-looking young man in a white button-down shirt stands up.
Zel and Gourry look at one another, and one whips out a pic of Xellos as Miss Lala from the Femille Incedent. Gourry puts an arm around the boy's shoulders. "What's your name, son?"
Zelgadis circles to the other side and shows Shinji the picture. "Recognize her?"
The young man nods happily. "Miss Lala... she was so beautiful and special..."
Both Zel and Gourry nod over to Xellos, who waves at Shinji, wearing his best Lala smile. Shinji screams and collapses to the floor in a heap.
"I mustn't run away... I mustn't run away... I mustn't run away..." he begins chanting to himself as he rocks back and forth. Two girls come over and gather him up. The blue-haired girl sighs.
"I knew he'd ruin the evening."
"Yawoh. What a dumbass. So, Rei, got plans?"
"Actually, Asuka, I need help getting my desk fan to work"
"I can help with that"
The two women carry the shuddering Shinji outside and everyone turns to stare at Xellos.
"You really **HAVE** slept with everyone!" Lina pipes up, and Xellos nods proudly. Filia grabs him by the hair, and yanks him over to the table.
BITCH! I love you but now you gotta die.
Now you gotta die!
Now you gotta die!
Now you gotta die!
Filia looks as if she's really going to kill him. Honestly. Dead dead deadski. But, an instant later, Filia and Amelia are seated at the table. Filia in her pretty pink dress and Amelia in her white "Champion of Justice" outfit. They're sitting there, sipping tea and nibbling toast.
"More tea, Miss Amelia?"
"Why, thank you, Miss Filia."
Everyone considers a nervous breakdown at this point. Amelia turns to Filia with a happy little smile. "Well, that was nice, wasn't it, Miss Filia?"
"Yes, yes, it was. We should do that again sometime. More tea, Xellos?"
Xellos sits down, firmly believing that he has breathed his last. The others join him, and Filia pours more tea. As they finish breakfast, Amelia smiles happily at Zelgadis.
"Isn't it a lovely day, Mr. Zelgadis?"
Zelgadis keeps his piehole in the closed and upright position. Amelia frowns.
"Why, Mr. Zelgadis, whatever is the matter?"