Disclaimer: This was written under the pretext that Xellos is sometimes cliched as the stereotypical Pimp Daddy in a lot of fics. That, and listening to Farferello's image song from Weiss Kreuz while watching a Daicon IV bunny girl clip show. And it synched up something like watching "The Wizard of Oz" while playing "The Dark Side of the Moon", too. Creepy. Uhh, anyway, these chars aren't mine, nor did I ever claim they were. Yeah.

Feedback: Because milk is good. Knives are good, too. ~ SailorN1@aol.com

Anti-Lemon!

by Crystal Dawn Phoenix

Announcer: Today, we have secretly switched Wolf Pack Island's regular Shiri no Hintu Lemon Scented PWP Brand Cleaning Solution with our competitor's Yeelow Banana scented Cleaning Solution. Let's see what effects it'll have…

*Lina, Gourry, Amelia, Zelgadis, and Filia are sitting at Ye Olde Random Tavern and Inn, yet again. They have just finished a rather large meal and are picking their teeth as their food digests. Suddenly, a rather pale ~ paler than usual ~ and disheveled looking Xellos blinks into one of the empty chairs beside the table. His eyes are open and he looks incredibly unhappy about something.*

Lina: Wow, that was a great meal. *pats stomach, ignores Xellos* I've not eaten that well in a long time. *takes off her cloak and shoulder guards and unbuttons the top of her shirt. Xellos glares at her as he watches her unbutton her blouse**Lina finally notices the rather irritated look Xellos is giving her* What? What's your problem?

Xellos: *GLARE* Don't you think you're showing off a little too much of your throat? *everyone stops, blink-blinks at him*

Zelgadis: What the--?

Lina: Since when do YOU care how much any of us shows off?

Gourry: Yeah, Xellos, it's not like she's got that much to show off, anyway! *receive brutal pounding by Lina*

Amelia: *worried* Maybe Mr. Xellos is sick?

Filia: *gets up and puts a hand on his forehead as he glares at her, eyes STILL open* Well, he's not hot…

Xellos: *noticing exactly what Filia has pushed into his face as she took his temperature* Will you please get those.. things… out of my face?

Filia: *looks down, blinks, "eeeek"s, goes back to her seat in a flash**whimpers, covers chest with arms, turns blue* What's wrong with him?

Lina: Who knows? Mazoku mood swings, maybe?

Amelia: *worried* Miss Lina, there might be something really wrong with him!

Xellos: And aren't you showing off a little too much elbow, Amelia? And that outfit is way too low-cut.

Amelia: *gets a look on her face not at all unlike the time she saw Zelgadis covered in barnacles*

Lina: I really don't care what his problem is. I'm going to the baths. *gets up, takes her cloak and shoulder guards, and leaves the room*

Filia: I think that's a splendid idea. Amelia, are you coming? *gets up*

Amelia: I guess, but I still don't think it's right to leave him like this. *gets up and points at Xellos, who is still glaring at the women*

Filia: Oh, he'll be fine. I think it'll be good for him to have his libido go on a vacation. *picks up her skirts and saunters out with Amelia in tow*

Xellos: *calling after them* I can see the backs of your knees, Filia ul Copt! You lewd hussy! You're trying to tempt me with your knees! And that perverse, bare tail!

Zelgadis: *sweatdrop* This is getting too strange for me. I'm heading for the baths, too. C'mon, Gourry.

Xellos: *watching Zelgadis and Gourry retreat* You perverts, I bet you're only going out there to watch those girl's nubile, naked young bodies!

*Even though you can't see it, you can hear a crash where Zelgadis has facefaulted into something, most likely a large vase or some other pottery*

*A bit later, everyone is outside at the baths, Amelia, Filia, and Lina on the women's side and Zel and Gourry on the male side with a nice, wooden wall in-between. Xellos pops up on the male side, still glaring and looking generally irritated at the world. He glares at Zel and Gourry. Zel and Gourry give him "What?" looks*

Xellos: *grumbles and sits down by the side of the bath* You two are disgusting. Cavorting naked together like that.

Gourry: *to Zelgadis* What's 'cavorting' mean?

Zelgadis: *sweatdrop. Again.* Xellos, would you just leave us alone? We're trying to take a bath here.

Xellos: That's not what it looks like to me. Just look at how little both of you have on.

Zelgadis: That's the point of taking a bath. You take off your clothes and get clean.

Xellos: *suddenly is frighteningly reminiscent of a cross between a Justice-high Amelia and Carrie White's mother* Nothing clean can happen when you're not fully clothed! And Gourry! I spy quite a bit of toe cleavage there! *Gourry brings one of his feet out of the water and wiggles his toes confusedly*

Zelgadis: *sweatdropping, which is exactly what Gourry's doing at this moment* Xellos, why don't you go and bother someone else and quit harassing us to cover up your most obviously yaoi tendencies?

Xellos: *taken aback and offended* YAOI? I'm trying to give you morally sound advice and you treat me this way?! Fine, then! I'll go talk to the girls! Innocent young girls would most certainly be more open-minded to a moral opinion! *pops out*

Zelgadis: *grumbles, goes back to brushing his skin with a steel wool pad* Since when was he MORAL?

Gourry: *still puzzled, looking at his toes* How can a toe have cleavage?

*Xellos pops over to the female side of the baths. He's greeted with the sight of Lina and Amelia wrestling in the water with Filia giggling and splashing them with her tail. None of them are wearing anything. Suddenly, they all stop and turn to look at him. They blink-blink for a second before resuming what they were doing*

Xellos: *gets that look that Amelia had earlier. Suddenly, a teenage Chinese boy with a ponytail and a white Mao suit walks up to Xellos with a large box of tissues*

White Mao Boy: Here, you'll need these. *hands him the tissues, then walks off*

Xellos: Thanks. *uses tissues to plug the HUGE nosebleed he's just developed* Hey! Don't leave me here with these nubile, naked hussies! *runs after the White Mao Boy as Filia, Amelia, and Lina give him "What the hell?" looks*

Lina, Amelia, Filia: *shrug* Oh well. *go back to bathing*

*meanwhile, on Wolf Pack Island, Zelas is holding a bottle of off-brand Yeelow Banana Scented PWP Cleaning Solution, looking at it as if to say "Where did this vile stuff come from and why is it on my Island?" Xellos pops up, nose plugged with tissues*

Zelas: Oh, hello there, darling. Say, you don't know where this came from, do you? I can't seem to find the normal Lemon Scented stuff from Shiri no Hintu. I really don't think I like this brand.

Xellos: *blink-blinks at it before taking the bottle out of her hand to study it* No, I don't have a clue. *removes tissues and smells it* I don't like this stuff, either. It smells like… bananas… and… pink sugar?

Zelas: *thinking* Say, you've not been feeling funny today, have you? I've felt the strangest urge to avoid anything even remotely pertaining to…

Xellos: *cringing, as if repulsed by the thought* …sex…?

Zelas: *pales, but snaps fingers* That's it! *takes bottle o' Yeelow Banana scented cleaner and chucks it out the window* There, that should help. Now, darling, go and find some of that nice Lemon scented stuff and clean this place from top to bottom with it. Invite that dragon friend of yours over. Whatever. Just get that awful pink sugar smell out of here! *vanishes, leaving Xellos with a new mission*

Xellos: *grins, looking a little nervous* Uhhhhhmmmm, sure….

*the next day, Lina, Zelgadis, Amelia, Gourry, and Filia have gathered for breakfast. All are wearing fluffy white bathrobes and nice houseshoes and drinking various caffeinated early morning beverages. Xellos suddenly pops up and takes a chair, looking more like his normal self, eyes closed, and grinning happily*

Zelgadis: Let me guess. You're going to yell at us for wearing bathrobes now, huh?

Xellos: Absolutely not! *grinning* I'm quite enjoying the view from here, Zelgadis…

Zelgadis: *chokes on coffee, turns even bluer, crosses legs. Coughs as Amelia whacks him on the back to keep him from choking* I think he's back to normal.

Lina: *bored, unhappy at being interrupted from her meal* What do you want THIS time, Xellos? Is this another Mazoku mood swing?

Xellos: *grins sheepishly* Oh, no, nothing like that. I'm quite back to normal, I assure you. I just needed some help in cleaning my mistress's estate. Any volunteers? *evil grin*

Lina: *bored* Just take Filia and leave us alone so we can eat. She liked helping you clean last time.

Filia: *blushing, indignant* No, I didn't! Last time, he--

Xellos: *interrupting loudly* ANYWAY, thanks, Lina! *grabs Filia and teleports away*

Lina: *shrugs, returns to meal* Yeah, yeah, whatever.


Feedback: Yes, that is MEANT to say "Yeelow". No, that is NOT a typo. ~ SailorN1@aol.com